Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[SemperFi00]

AS, so sorry to hear the news re: W's health and the message.....

Not much else to say that hasn't already been said. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Many here have benefitted from you sharing your story and commenting on theirs...

Stay strong!

[AnotherStander]

lovethehub, Bel123, tori2012, BrightFuture, hopefulinga, and SemperFi00, thank you so much for the support, y'all are awesome

I saw W a couple of times yesterday. The first time was at 1:00 PM when I went over to pick up S10 to go buy fireworks. She looked as spent as I've seen her look in ages. I mentioned to her that she looked tired and asked her if she was feeling OK. She said she had just gotten up (at 1 PM!!) and didn't have any makeup on and that's why she looked tired. I just nodded, although I've seen her many, many times without makeup and that's not why she looked that way. It's probably not the cancer itself, but rather the stress from worrying about it. I wish she'd open up to people instead of keeping stuff like that bottled up inside, but that's the way she has ALWAYS been and is possibly the biggest reason our M is in tatters. She simply will not communicate her emotions to others. Anyway, S10 and I went and bought the fireworks (it's still legal to shoot them off in yards in our area) and I took him back to W's, I told her we would shoot them off after D16 got off work and that W was welcome to come over as well. She came over around 8:30 and dropped off S10, but didn't stay. Said she was too tired, and boy did she ever look dog-tired. I just thanked her for dropping him off and saw her out to her car. I obviously can't say much to her since I still don't officially "know".

D16 and D18 came over shortly after and (along with S10 and a couple of his friends) we shot off 250 bucks worth of fireworks. It was quite a display! I let S10 help light some of them (used a long punk to make sure he was safe, and I was right there with him) and he really loved that! They stayed until 1 am watching a few shows and then headed back to W's house. Unfortunately I had to work today, and morning came particularly early today, LOL!

Tori, thanks for the book suggestion!

I've lived through 4 surgical procedures between December and March with my H, including heart surgery.

So sorry to hear that! OVer the past few years I've been through a lot with my dad, he's had quintuple bypass surgury, a pacemaker, chemo and radiation for throat cancer and several hernia surguries. He's aged 20 years in the past few. He's also had that "fear of death" in his eyes that you described, I've never seen him so scared. He used to be a strong, confident figure and is now just a mess. He used to say he welcomed death due to his beliefs, but once he really faced it he suddenly learned to fear it more than anything. It's tough to see loved ones go through this. Some people emerge stronger than before, and others just fall apart.

I had a lot of people tell me that H would re-think life, and maybe he did, I don't know.

I don't see this leading W to any kind of revelation that she wants our M again, and I'm not expecting that. But that's fine, I want to help her because I think she's a great person, not because I want the M back.

I've had to remind myself to love unconditionally so that I don't feel used through all of this.

Excellent advice!

[Maritimer]

Hope you W gets better! She is going through alot.

Finding that email would have destroyed me. There were some key words in there that was brought up in my situation as well. Made me reflect on how she feels about my behavior over the past year.

You are one strong dude!

[AnotherStander]

W came by Saturday to pick up some stuff for D16. She did tell me about the cancer diagnosis while there. I gave her a big hug and told her how sorry I was to hear this. She said she has not told any family, not even her mother or sister. She has not told our kids either, she wanted to wait until she talks to the surgeon because she figured it would be easier on the kids to tell them what the treatment plan is at the same time as disclosing the news to them. Right now she thinks a lumpectomy might be a viable option. She said it's early enough that they think radiation will not be required, just chemo. I did tell her basically what I said I would in the earlier post- that I want to help in whatever way I can and to think of me as a friend that lives nearby that can help anytime day or night, even if it's "gross" stuff! She did say she appreciated it and said she would no doubt need help, but mainly she was expecting she would need me to have the kids more often which I of course told her was no problem. She did seem in good spirits and said she's not freaking out about it, at least not yet.

She's also "coming out of the closet" more with OM. She told me he invited her to California with him (some kind of work training thing) and asked her if there was anything she wanted to do while there and she said zip-lining, so he is setting that up for them to do while there. She said she did not tell the kids she's going and doesn't plan to. I was strangely ambivalent about this disclosure, I just nodded and told her it sounded like fun. It felt like my neighbor was telling me, not my soon-to-be-ex. It didn't bother me at all. Afterwards I thought about that- why it didn't bother me. I think it's because I really have surrendered all hope that we will ever reconcile, and I've found peace with that. It really is over. I think we'll always maintain a friendship but the M will be over soon and will never return. And that's OK. I still think she's a great person and I wish the best for her.

Finding that email would have destroyed me. There were some key words in there that was brought up in my situation as well. Made me reflect on how she feels about my behavior over the past year.

Well just try to remember when you see/ hear stuff like that that while there may be some truth in it, a lot of it is just WAS rewriting of history. Just ask yourself if you've become the best person you can be, and if you have then that's what really matters. At least my W does admit to me and others that I've changed and the real problem is that she doesn't want to try, so I am content that I did everything I could do to save the M. I just hope that everyone here can get to this same place, where you know your life will be great whether you continue it with your spouse or without them!

[lovethehub]

I feel for you AS. You really are a very strong person. I will have to go back and read all of your threads, I am sure I can learn a lot.

[AnotherStander]

lovethehub, thank you

W came by the house yesterday evening to tell the kids. She was in meetings all day yesterday with the surgeon and with doctors and counselors. She is scheduling the surgury for about 2 weeks out. In the meantime she is getting the BRCA test done. For those that don't know, it's a test to determine if the woman has the breast cancer mutation gene, if it is present the chances are high of a recurrence of breast cancer in the future. W has decided to have a double mastectomy and hysterectomy if she tests positive. If negative, she is going to proceed with a lumpectomy instead. Either way she will have to do chemo, and probably radiation.

The kids seemed to take it fine, they asked several questions and W was well-prepared with her responses since she had just talked to the surgeon. S10 really didn't seem to understand, but D16 and D18 know what their aunt went through so they know what's ahead.

W brought a cake by, it was a really cool 4th of July cake she had made that looked like a flag when sliced open. Very creative! We all had some of it and then she left 1/4 of it for us to eat later. After she left I took a shower and came out to find my mini dachsund up on the table with her face buried in the cake, LOL! She appeared to really enjoy it!

[Tallula]

Hahah, dogs!!

Wow, so much in the past few posts, AS. It's wonderful that you have peace in the end of your M and that you and your wife will have a friendship. You truly are a DB sucess story!!!!!!!!!!!!

[swoop]

Just catching up on your sitch, AS. Wow!!! a whole lot on your table right now. You seem to be handling it so well. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for her, and for you as well. I recently got some news about my W having some medical issues as well. My thoughts go out to you and your family.

I am sorry (and happy) that you are starting to feel at peace with your marriage. I am slowly getting there myself, but still have a rough road ahead. I get some of those same feelings you have in regards to being almost numb when the thought of your wife with OM comes into the equation. I just found out recently that my W is in a full blown realtionship. It makes me sad, but the anger isn't really there anymore. It feels so surreal, but I am starting to accept that our marriage is not going to be salvagable. I never thought in a million years that I would want to be friends with my wife, after OM was in the picture. But like you, I am starting to see that my love and concern for her is unconditional. I really care for my W, in much the same way you you do for yours. Actually, our sitches have a TON of similarities. the list is long. You are an inspiration to me, AS. I have a wealth of admiration for you. Stay strong and keep up the good work!

[shouldistillhope]

Sorry to hear about your W,

I have a couple friends who have had cancer and gone on to beat it. In fact, one of them was given a less than 10 percent chance of making it through, but he did.

I read somewhere that one of the things that brings couples back after a divorce is a tramatic event or illness in the immediate family and by no means would anyone wish this upon your W or anyone close to you, it may be a chance for you to be exactly who she needs right now.

I don't know your beliefs in God, but it might be his way of saying "ok buddy, i will look out for her from up here, but this is your chance to look out for her from down there."

Help her beat it Stander, I know you can be there for her in ways you may not seem possible. Do all the things for her she needs, just like you said you would.

Do you honestly think OM is going to be there for her when things are at their darkest?

This may be your opportunity to shine for her, and i guarantee you that she will notice and remember just who was there for her after she beats this. It will not go unnoticed and you can be the man she is looking for all along.

Good luck and take care.

[stilllookingup]

Do you honestly think OM is going to be there for her when things are at their darkest?

This was my thought exactly when I first heard from you about W's cancer. That's why I asked earlier if you knew she had already told OM or not. It might not make a difference as to how you feel about their R but I just hope OM is as good as you thought he was if they are going to go through this together. If I remember correctly OM was much younger than your W. I know age shouldn't matter when it comes to relationships but I can't help but to wonder if he's prepared to go through what your W is about to go through.