Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[jp787]

AS-
First sorry to hear about your W health, that is tough and sounds like it is being seen early enough to deal with.
Second, What she wrote sounds honest and I say that as a lot of it is very close and even identical in parts to how my W feels. Snooping has caused me to loose weight, age rapidly, become nauseous and see truth that I would have never have seen other wise. Some amazing insight there. As I have been told, what they think can always change. About OM, yeah that always just hurts.

Keep on being the new you AS. I see opportunity and hope still.

[newman7977]

Dang AS, sorry to hear about the latest in your sitch. Keep us posted and stay strong.

Newman

[DigDeeper]

Sorry to hear about it AS, hope you will stay strong for you and your family.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks again for all the kind thoughts, wishes and comments, you guys are awesome ((((((Hugs all the way around)))))) I can only hope that W finds support that's half as good as y'all!

I made an excuse to go by W's yesterday at around 8 pm (S10 left his security blanket at my house and slept without it the night before). I texted her that I would be dropping by. We usually talk a bit so I was just trying to get myself in front of her in case she was ready to talk about it, but she had not even gotten home from work. OM lives by her office and she takes her dog to OM's every day and then picks her up from OM's after work, so that made me wonder if she was telling OM and seeking support but I heard all the voices here reminding me not to mind-read and put a quick stop to that, LOL! So as of now I still don't "know". According to the message she sent her friend she is having an MRI done today. I hope it goes well.

I do think in her message when she says

He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children

It comes across as her trying to justify her position more than anything else.

You could very well be right, the friend of hers is involved in a shelter for battered women and while I didn't post the woman's responses to my W they were the kind of stuff you might expect- telling my W she's doing the right thing leaving me and that she needs to be strong, etc. I think my W was just playing into the woman's expectation that I'm a poor husband and father and that there's only one side to the story. It's also interesting that W used to say she had been walking on pins and needles for months, then it became years, then in that convo it was suddenly the whole 20 years of our M. I just have to remind myself it's not the real her saying these things, but it's the version of her that is living in a fog of rewritten history that's all negatively focused.

This speaks volumes as to the kind of person you are!! All things aside, she should be glad for someone like you in her life. Sadly, having watched my mother succumb to lung cancer, I can say you are EXACTLY the kind of person
she will find herself lucky to have. She'll realize it, eventually. And be appreciative. I hope she eventually realizes this & expresses it to you.

Thank you, that's very kind although I'm the first to admit I'm not the saint I would like to be! I'm sorry about your mother, that's terrible My grandmother died of breast cancer (I spent time with her throughout and was at her side when she passed) and my father went through surgery, chemo and radiation treatments for throat cancer (and survived it), so I've had more first-hand experience with cancer than I'd want. W's sister is several states away, so while W has heard what her sister went through, she didn't see it first-hand like I have. So I'm not sure she knows what she's about to go through.

Speaking of my grandmother, this is probably the only medical advice you'll ever hear me dispense here- TAKE LUMPS SERIOUSLY!! My grandmother just kept ignoring it, didn't want to go to the doctor. By the time she did it was too late, something that would have been treatable early on was terminal.

Busting reminded me that love is unconditional. Just don't put yourself, AS, in the position of expectation.

Thanks for the reminder! I really don't have any expectations that this will improve our M. I thought about what I will tell her when she gives me the news and it's going to be something along the lines of "I want to help you however I can. I don't want you to feel awkward about it, just think of me as an old friend who wants to be there for you. I live 5 minutes away so can be there quickly, I want you to take advantage of that. If you need me to keep the kids more, or get groceries for you, or do laundry, or pick up prescriptions, or help you change dressings, whatever you need just let me know."

I agree about being there for her through this no matter what --- keep yourself protected as well though as it will be a scary time for all. (((())))

Thanks, good advice!! I do need to keep myself protected and be mindful of the poor state of our M, and that this isn't likely to change it.

Awww...... Man, AS I am sorry to hear that news...I always thought of our situations very similar...except you are the cool guy at the party everybody is happy to see

LOL! That reminds me, I thought it was interesting that my W mentioned to her friend my "strong" personality versus her weak one as being a problem. She always said before that it was one of my strengths to her and to the family, that I was strong and bold and compensated for her inadequacies in that area. Now suddenly it's a detriment and the reason she doesn't want to reconcile, because "we would end up where we were before". -sigh- Does anyone know how to do a 180 from being a strong personality? LOL! No I'm kidding, I don't want to change that

Our situations started about the same time, today I am at my 1 year of separation. In my darkest days you gave me a lot of encouragement and It really helped me out.

So sorry to hear of your "anniversary" But glad to hear I've helped

I wonder how OM feels not to be acknowledged? If I was OM I would feel like man she needs to tell the truth unless he is not that into the relation.

WOW!!! You know, I never even thought about that. You're right, I bet it feels lousy to be the "secret" that she doesn't want anyone to know about, especially to this particular guy. Interesting thought.

but any comment that indicated OM was better for my kids in any way, or even played some sort of father figure role, well... that story would probably end with me in prison a few hours later.

I hear you, and what irks me the most is knowing that she has probably told EVERYONE that same line. As if we haven't already gone through enough, we have to endure our WASs dragging our name through the mud too. But all we can do is show others the real us and let them judge for themselves. I am 100% confident that anyone could watch me spend 5 minutes with my kids versus OM spending 5 minutes with them and instantly grasp the reality of who their father is versus some uncle-type figure that takes them to do something now and then.

Thanks again for all the well wishes! I will keep everyone posted.

[AnotherStander]

First sorry to hear about your W health, that is tough and sounds like it is being seen early enough to deal with.

Thank you! There is a lot of breast cancer history in W's family, so even before her sister was diagnosed she was going for regular screenings. Twice before now those screenings resulted in biopsies. So she's taken it very seriously and I'm confident that it was caught early. Unfortunately due to the family history I'm sure a lumpectomy is not in the picture, she will no doubt be looking at a double mastectomy along with chemo and radiation. I'm sure she will be cured, but she is going to go through complete and utter hell first.

What she wrote sounds honest

I agree, it's inaccurate but it is what she feels right now. If she ever says those things to me I will just validate her feelings even though I totally disagree with it.

Dang AS, sorry to hear about the latest in your sitch. Keep us posted and stay strong.

I will, thank you

[lovethehub]

AS, sorry to hear the news. Praying for your wife and for strength for you andnyour children as your family goes through this.

[Bel123]

AS, sorry for the bad news about your W. Hope your W recovers soon and know you are role model for willing to stand by her after discovering about her feelings and the up and down.

[tori2012]

AS, I'm very sorry to hear about your W's cancer and the existence of the OM.

I suggest you read "Dying to be Me" by Anita Moorjani. It's a life-changing book and it will introduce you to a new dimension about a disease such as cancer.

Thank you for support during the tough times in my life. I wish you the best.

[BrightFuture]

AS, so sorry to hear about your W’s health. This could change your sitch significantly. You need to be prepared. This is going to be tough for your W and everybody around.

[hopefulinga]

Sorry to hear about your wife, AS. I will echo to keep your expectations of what this will do to your M at a minimum. I think being there and being supportive and loving unconditionally is the best that you can do for her right now.

I've lived through 4 surgical procedures between December and March with my H, including heart surgery. I also had to take him to the ER in the middle of the night. I saw the fear of death in his eyes. I stayed by his side at the hospitals locally and visited when he was out of town. After all of that, I felt like we were getting closer.

Then in April, he found a reason to get mad again and made a remark that indicated that he had started to soften through those 4 months. So, I'm back to square one.

I had a lot of people tell me that H would re-think life, and maybe he did, I don't know.

I've had to remind myself to love unconditionally so that I don't feel used through all of this.