Lost, confused and trying to make a stand

[brobafet]

I've a lot to think about. Thank you all for what you have written. A bit bitter I am right now. and I'll reflect on this. I'll re-read what you have written rather than dealing out a reply right away. Again thank you. Please pray for me.

[MrBond]

No problem. Just remember

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

[kat727]

I did get a apology but what I really wanted to hear that our marriage had meant something. Probably not something I will ever hear.

When I read the discussion on" work" I took it to mean working on yourself to be a better you. This wasn't just for your marriage but for you too. Being betrayed, humiliated and hurt does such a number on you, focusing on doing things for the other person may come across as clingy.

Right now focus on you. Focus on your kids. Do things that will help you get to a better place. Your kids are going to be hurting and they will need a stable parent as well.

I forgave my ex a few years back because carrying all of that anger around was just exhausting. It also was hurting my kids. So I forgave him but I certainly didn't condone what he did. We get along but are not friends. As I say that, he is here now after getting done helping me with the backyard(the offer came totally out of the blue). He got pizza for us and now we are all watching a movie. He did marry his affair partner.

Don't ask me to explain how he is now. I suppose I will just be happy for the free labor and the fact that we can sit in the same room watching movies with our kids.

kat

[brobafet]

A lot of what I was saying yesterday I am realizing is out of anger. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to be bitter. I want to live my life....Can anyone suggest any type of book that may help with having a positive outlook? I just need something to dive into and be able to focus on.

[brobafet]

W and I talked last night. Just talked I didn't bring up divorce. Or how much I miss her. Just small talk. Well she brought up her plans for future and I just listened. We laughed at somethings. Man this [censored]... I have divorce paper work sitting on my desk. Haven't been able to look at them since.

[Underdog]

Brob,

I don't have any specific books on anger. Anger itself is just another emotion and not a bad thing. It's often the emotion that propels us to take action.

That being said, when it goes unchecked is when trouble begins.

In the early days/months of my separation, my anger was not pretty. Had he walked in front of my Expedition, I'd have probably hit the gas. For me my come to Jesus moment occurred when my then D8 told me that my anger scared her, and if she stayed scared could she go live with her dad? That forced me to change all alone.

I walked. I worked out. I prayed. I amped up the self care. I actually started score keeping my list of transgressions, and I found my own side of the street littered with my debris. So I elected to focus on the things that he found irritating and read spiritually soothing books. Then I set about the important work of forgiving myself. Just focusing on me was distracting and exhausting. It also served a good purpose. I started to wonder if I could even fall in love with him again.

Since you know the end to my story, I don't need to answer that.

However, I promised myself that I would never denigrate him to our girls. I constantly told them both that their dad loved them and the issue was between the two of us alone. My D19 knows, and always has, that it wasn't her fault. Some spouses ARE lousy parents. But mine was and is a great dad. I hope you get the same from your wife. All kids deserve to have their parents in their lives.

Anyway, it's probably going to be a multi-pronged approach that will require discipline.

One of my techniques I will share with you. Each time I started mentally winding myself up, I'd catch it and say , "Betsey, I thought you promised to drop this?" I had to consciously switch gears. Some folks here used to do the rubber band on their wrists. Whatever it takes. If it works, do more of it!

Take care,

Betsey

ps I eventually did hear the apology I had long sought, and by then it meant nothing to me. But it was HIS come to Jesus moment, and it meant everything to him. For that reason, he had me a captive audience. And he told me he wished he had a do over, because he would change everything. While it was nice to hear that, because I had forgiven him long before, the words weren't what I needed to hear. So don't think that is the end game, because it isn't. I still got divorced and am fine. I'm more than fine. I like the person I am because of all that hard work. It's worthwhile no matter what.

[brobafet]

A few days ago would have been or was (since we are still married) our 11th anniversary. I didn't say anything to her about it and nor did she to me. Is tjme travel really not possible? happy fourth of july everyone

[brobafet]

Are 180s for me and me alone? Or are they meant for W? My marriage may be over in the classical sense but there is always hope that if I find myself that it could recindle, or am I way off base?

[brobafet]

*rekindle haha

[kat727]

I think you need to focus on you. So at this point you are making changes that will get you through the chaos and what ever that will bring.

The mistakes I made before finding DB, was that everything I did made him the focus. I was trying so hard to keep my family together that I really lost myself. I became someone that I didn't like much. I was clingy, crying and mad most of the time.

Work on things that you perhaps stopped doing when you got together. What kinds of things do you enjoy? Go do them. Think of things that will make good memories for the kids and do them. Don't do anything that will have the goal of your wife in mind. This is all about you now.

kat