Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[AnotherStander]

Well we all know not to snoop, and yet most of us do it anyway! Honestly I haven't tried any kind of snooping for months and months, but I was logging into Facebook for the first time in who-knows-how-long and it gave me two login options. Curiousity got the better of me and I logged in as W. Apparently she's never changed her password since S. I ran across a conversation she was having with an old schoolmate who is a breast cancer survivor. W's sister just went through a double mastectomy along with chemo and radiation treatments less than a year ago, and that's how the conversation started. I'll just post W's comments, and just the ones that are pertinent:

"I live in (xxx) & Mom lives just outside of (xxx), about 90 mins away. She is plugging along like a freight train, just like your mom sounds, always busy! I'm also separated & planning to start divorce paperwork tonight. It's been tough."

"Well, the whole separation/div is my doing so I have a lot of guilt about that. I tried, but then after 20 years, I was finished walking on pins and needles, hated the example I was setting for my children by doing that so I told him I was finished. That's when he said he would try, that he would treat me better and to his credit he has but I just can't do it anymore. When our 20th anniversary was approaching I kept catching myself thinking I'd rather be dead than live another 20 years like this & then when my Sis got sick, it just depressed me to think of having him take care of me. It's sad, but now my stress is about the kids, how jumping from house to house impacts them. I do get to see them almost everyday, we live 5 mins apart for that reason. Oh, well, didn't know you were opening Pandoras Box, did you?"

"I was in a physically & emotionally abusive relationship in college. (She's talking about an ex-BF, and I did know about this, he threatened to kill her many times and held a knife to her throat a couple of times) I understand that your not supposed to be ashamed, that its not your fault, but you still don't want everyone knowing about it. I really don't think (AnotherStander) meant to be emotionally abusive, but he was so wrapped up in his own depression & denial, he didn't realize what he was causing. I think I feel bad because I built that wall between us to protect myself & now he is on antidepressants and has worked very hard to have a positive attitude & I just don't want to even try. I know it's the wrong way, but I met a man that treats me like a princess and he treats my children well. He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't have had the courage to leave & I would have kept my children in that environment forever and (AnotherStander) wouldn't be better like he is today. I feel like I am a very bad person for not going back & trying again. My girls keep asking when I'm going to get divorced. They see the changes in him too, but its not enough of a change that they are wanting me to go back to him. He is a very strong personality & I am not. I think we would end up where we were before, only next time, I might be too old to leave. I had my tissue samples this morning and the way the doctor is talking, it looks like cancer to her, but she said it doesn't look like it is as big as my sisters tumor. Will get results tomorrow. Love you!"

"It is cancer. Next is MRI on July 3."

Lots of info there, some rewriting of history, a revelation that "suspected" OM really is OM, but the most alarming piece of info is that W has breast cancer and hasn't told anyone. I talked to her sister a few times when she was going through it and it was brutal. I of course want to help W in whatever way I can, based on the above she doesn't want me involved but that may change now that it's confirmed. I'm not going to say anything until she tells me though, but at least now I can think about what to say to her so I am prepared when she does tell me.

[bustingout]

Wow AS. I am sorry to hear about your wife's breast cancer news. I really hope that she recovers quickly as possible.

And I am sorry for you to have read that exchange. It must have been painful to read or did you already know those thoughts and feelings ( besides the confirmation of OM) ? Either way it must have been hard to read. How are you doing?

((((( )))))

[stilllookingup]

oh my god.. I am so sorry to hear your W's news about cancer and OM. That must have been a lot to take at one time.

Just a technical info - FB keeps log in activities in case you don't know. It'll show the locations and the time of log in. You can end the activity Under Security settings > Active sessions

I hope you are okay. Hugs from me too.

[Demoted26]

Damn, thats harsh on so many different levels.
I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you must be dealing with.
I am deeply sorry that you know all this now, & it was a lot if new info.

I pray your wife beats the cancer! I hope she turns to you in this crisis, she doesn't realize what a powerful source of strength & help & comfort she is turning away from at a time when she really will need that!!

[Verum]

AS, difficult to find out about her cancer this way. I hope things work out for your W.

Sometimes snooping is useful, to see where your W is mentally. The downside is its affect on your PMA, GAL, and 180's. The fact that she does not proceed with D says that she is still undecided. However, it seems that as long as the OM is in the picture, then reconciliation will not happen either.

Also, I think it worthwhile to remember that you W might be "trying out ideas/feelings" on her friend, and everything she writes is not necessarily how she feels.

Once she tells you, you need to support her. My guess is that 20 years counts for something and she will welcome both emotional and other types of support.

Good luck.

[AnotherStander]

Thank you all for the support, it's very welcome and needed! I'm sure my W's head is spinning right now, I know mine is too!

And I am sorry for you to have read that exchange. It must have been painful to read or did you already know those thoughts and feelings ( besides the confirmation of OM) ?

I did know some of that as we discussed it during RetroV. But the one thing she's always held fast on is that OM was just a friend. I suspected he was more than that but didn't know for sure until now. It was a jolt to read it in black-and-white, but I've suspected it for a long time and as most of the vets around here say, if you suspect it then it's probably true.

How are you doing?

Upset over the cancer revelation. I want to reach out to W. She's been scared of this for years, she's had a couple of false positive tests before that freaked her out.

Just a technical info - FB keeps log in activities in case you don't know. It'll show the locations and the time of log in. You can end the activity Under Security settings > Active sessions

Thank you, I didn't know that. W probably doesn't either, she's not very technically oriented! She hardly ever gets on FB either, once a month maybe.

I pray your wife beats the cancer! I hope she turns to you in this crisis, she doesn't realize what a powerful source of strength & help & comfort she is turning away from at a time when she really will need that!!

Thank you, that's very kind I will keep everyone posted as things progress.

The downside is its affect on your PMA, GAL, and 180's. The fact that she does not proceed with D says that she is still undecided. However, it seems that as long as the OM is in the picture, then reconciliation will not happen either.

I have to admit that I'm having to fight the "well that's it, it's all over" attitude that washed over me after she backpeddled just after RetroV. It seems clear that she's nowhere close to changing her mind. She's been saying that "I don't want to try" thing since BD. I've heard it in MC, I've heard it in the car, I've heard it in bed, I heard it after RetroV, geesh, I think I've heard it almost everywhere now that I think about it. But, that doesn't mean she won't change her mind again later. I think the chances are pretty small, but who knows, stranger things have happened.

Also, I think it worthwhile to remember that you W might be "trying out ideas/feelings" on her friend, and everything she writes is not necessarily how she feels.

Very good point.

Once she tells you, you need to support her. My guess is that 20 years counts for something and she will welcome both emotional and other types of support.

Thank you, that's the plan. I will offer her unconditional support. Not "I'll help you if OM isn't around" or "I'll help you as long as you do this or that" but "I am here for you no matter what time of day or night, I want to help however I can." Obviously DB'ing and "going dim" is going to be set aside, my focus is on helping her through and past this, the marriage is not a concern for me right now.

[subguy]

That's a tough spot to be in AS, I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. I pray she will get through this health crisis with flying colors. How are you doing??

Of course he's treating her like a princess and doing things with the kids that she always envisioned a father doing... duh!! He did not have to raise them and discipline them, teach them and care for them. Wait until those rose colored glasses get a little dirty.

[stilllookingup]

In the messages you read, did she imply or say that OM knows about her cancer?

[AnotherStander]

Of course he's treating her like a princess and doing things with the kids that she always envisioned a father doing... duh!! He did not have to raise them and discipline them, teach them and care for them. Wait until those rose colored glasses get a little dirty.

LOL! Too true. I'm really puzzled by that comment because she's always told me I'm a great father. Not sure where OM was when I cut each of the umbilical cords, when I remodeled our first house to make room for another baby, when I hiked through Arkansas each year carrying the kids in my arms or on my back when they got tired, when I was coaching soccer, when I was attending every single sporting event, school awards presentation, marching band event, out-of-town contest and drill team competetion each of the kids ever had, when I was going to basketball practices and scout meetings, when I was flying kites with the kids and taking them to painting classes and taking them for motorcycle rides and taking them and their friends to movies, when I took them to the park to fly kites and R/C planes, when I trained D16 at the gym when she decided to try out powerlifting, when I helped D16 install a new stereo in her car then a week later helped D18 install one in hers, when I took them to Six Flags, etc. etc. etc. Maybe my memory is getting fuzzy, but I just don't remember looking up at ANY of those times and seeing OM's beaming, happy face, LOL! As far as I know the only thing OM has done is take S10 to a golf driving range several times (I hate golf, but I'd do it if S10 asked me to) and take them all to a drive-in movie. Maybe someday the fog will lift and W will remember. But for now this is the way she sees things and I just have to suck it up, and just complain about it here, so thanks for listening

In the messages you read, did she imply or say that OM knows about her cancer?

I posted everything she said regarding the cancer, I couldn't really tell from reading it if she's told him or not. I would guess that she hasn't, because she has always been really private about things. She holds everything inside and then it just all comes pouring out at once. So she'll probably keep it bottled up a while and then just tell everyone at the same time.

[steveh27]

AS: That is a lot to deal with at once. It sounds like you have a pretty good plan. I would be the same, the gloves would come off and I wouldn't care about anything regarding the R or those outside influences. If it's possible and she let's you ... just be there for her.