Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I said, "DUCK" because of the 2 x 4's coming your way.

I am going to respond to the letter, but, PM, this is pursuing, self serving, and not something you want to send to her. I will tell you that it is not going to have the results you are hoping for.

The point of this letter isn’t to dissect my personal demons, but I was addicted to alcohol and I used it to cope with many things, mainly just to escape myself.

But then that is exactly what you go on to do. ^^^

My personal demons are depression, and the years and methods I spent trying to cope with it. I didn't go into all of that history as it wasn't the point. I was simply framing what I was about to say, which was that I am addicted to her far more than anything else, and always have been. Though my personal demons were what ultimately did us in as a married couple, I didn't address them any further.

Quitting alcohol was easy. It was nothing.

Really? Easy and nothing?

Not even a little bit. I am not lying, exaggerating, or any other "-ing". She came the morning of the BD, the fog that enveloped my mind lifted, and I haven't had a problem since.

I will not say that I haven't had that craving, but it is extremely rare, very mild, and I quickly remind myself that that isn't who I am anymore, and I'm not going back.

Not drinking has not been a problem for me at all. Not at first, and not during the entire year and a half I haven't had a drop.

XW, YOU are the worst thing I’ve ever been addicted to.

Um, read that to yourself again.

It's the truth. Like in this song.

I thought I could move on with my life...move forward with my life while having you around, providing you support when you asked for it, being your friend, but I realize now that I’ve just been feeding my addiction all along and not moving on or forward at all.

And you want to tell her that why^^^?

To explain to her why I need to cut off contact.

I WANT a family. I WANT to be IN LOVE. I WANT to be in love WITH YOU. I want to share my life with someone and put that person above everybody else. I WANT that person to be YOU, but if that is something than can never happen then I am just forcing myself to be stuck in a place where I’ll never get what I want, where I’ll never be happy.

A lot of I wants, up there, PM.

Precisely. As in, I am thinking about ME now and I will not be so utterly absorbed in what SHE wants. *I* am going to be happy and make choices that get me there.

You and I have to be either IN or OUT. You have made it very clear that you are OUT. So I have to figure out how to move on, to move forward so that I can kick my addiction of you and be able to be open to someone else who can be open to me. It would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with you at the level we now have.

Guilt provoking statements, to what end?

To say that cuddling and ML are not "friend"-like behavior and that it needs to stop. It isn't healthy for "friends" to act this way, and it just sets us up for more pain down the road. At the point in time when one of us begins a relationship with someone else, those behaviors will have to cease.

Using me as a filler to make her feel better until she's back on her feet emotionally and can then go find someone else to share her life with is not an option. It was not meant as guilt provoking, but recognizing our current level of personal involvement is unsustainable and I am putting a stop to it now.

So, for lack of a better term, I need to detox. I need time and space to detox from you because you are so intoxicating to me.

PM, I dont even know what to say to that. ^^^

Saying that a woman is intoxicating...that isn't a compliment? If your partner looked you in the eye and said you are "absolutely intoxicating," you wouldn't take that as a compliment?

Perhaps it is coming across differently via text on here and that's what the confusion is/was last night.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say she knows you are still in love with her, sweetie. She has heard and seen it loud and clear.

She probably does, but that was for me. I have said it twice in six months, and since this is my "goodbye" for possibly ever, I wanted to say it one more time. For me.

I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with you in my life so much when I am so addicted to you. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.

Thought that ^^^^ was the original plan. What happened?

I realized that I am actually saying goodbye and not faking saying goodbye. I am actually moving forward, not just saying it.

I will tell you her reaction will not be a good one. You are telling her what you want, that it is her fault because she is addictive, that you cant get over her.

No dbing going on there.

I took my DB gloves off for a moment and for a purpose, and then I put them back on. I can take the 2x4's.

What I said may not have the effect I desire, but what effect do I desire? I did not do this to win her back - I was not playing any games or using any techniques. I was telling her I am moving on from her because I am moving on from her. So her response really doesn't matter. I wanted to say goodbye in my own way. I wanted to be open and honest one last time instead of holding everything in. After I got it off my chest I went back to my apartment and felt relief. Sadness, but relief.

Thanks for going through it. I do appreciate your - and everyone's - input...I REALLY do. I think I come across a little differently online than I do in person, especially because I come here to release feelings and vent. "Differently" as in, I am positive she has wondered whether or not I still love her. So telling her was important to me. I don't know if I'll ever say it again.

-PM

[uRworthy]

Ok, PM, thank you for your honest answers to my post to you.

I am just concerned for your welfare. I hope you know that. I do not want to see you hurting anymore and especially not by your own hand.

But, you thought it out and made your decision. I support you no matter what.

I truly hope that you can live by what you say and that you do not go back on it.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers on this next part of your journey.

[PatientMan]

PM....

This probably won't be the 2x4 you were looking for from me...

When I read that, for a couple minutes, I felt all of that pain in you coming out. I felt the fear that you have, and I HATED that when I went through it.

It brought up some old memories within me, and I would assume it will do the same to every person that reads it.


I'm also having a hard time figuring you out. When you post to others, you have this confidence about you, and you always say something that makes me think, so I know you do the same with the poster you are trying to reach.

Yet when I read your thread, I see a different guy. A guy who is confused, and is really struggling hard to find peace with what has happened.

I think that is accurate.

So where do you go from here ? What is it exactly that you are trying to get from that letter ???

I wanted her to know how I felt before we went our separate ways. What you all see here from me - all this indecisiveness, fear, and lack of confidence - she doesn't and hasn't seen that. At least since I started DB'ing.

When I read it, I see an exorbitant amount of guilt thrown out there....

As in guilt towards her or me? Because last night it was communicated as my failing, not hers. Essentially I said, "You're so freakin' awesome that I can't get past you with you around all the time, so I need space."

I see a very clingy, un-confident man, trying to talk his way out of something he acted his way into.

Is that who you want to be ???

Of course not, but I don't think it came across that way based on how things transpired last night. With her I do FEEL clingy and un-confident, but I don't show it. I'm very confident that my non-confidence doesn't show.

I see a man, that is looking toward another person, for his answers...

Yes, I've always used her to validate myself. I think we talked about it previously. I realize it isn't healthy and I'm working on it.

I read a man, that is trying to define himself, by what he wears on his left ring finger...

Is that what really defines you ???

It SHOULDN'T, but it did. I don't want to get off on a tangent, but the only thing I ever wanted was her. Now I know that *I* have to define me, and I have to learn to be who I am supposed to be. I pray for that every day - that I become who He intends me to be.

I see a guy, who is trying to be a victim of what has happened to him,

I can't tell you what you see, but I can assure you this is not the case. I have beaten myself up far too much - and continue to do so - for the role I played in the demise of my marriage.

We both made mistakes, but I made the first one. My marriage is no more because of me, even if she is the one who handled the legality of it.

and not trying to embrace what the future could possibly bring, but living in what has happened , and taking a fatalistic view of his future...

This I will agree that I am guilty of. I am having trouble being optimistic about the future. I am having trouble because she really was up on that pedestal so much higher than anything or anyone else that it's taken so long for my mind to bring her down, and it's still a fight to bring her down to the same level of everyone else.

So, yes, in my brain I am non-actively thinking that I lost the only thing I ever actually wanted and I'll never have something so great. I am trying to be optimistic about the future, but I am having trouble focusing on making my future great instead of living in the past. I'll quote Ray LaMontagne: "I never learned to count my blessings, I choose instead to dwell in my disasters."

I WANT to be optimistic about the future - I really do. But when I see her it just reminds me of what I want, but can't have. And maybe that isn't fair to her, but I've got to get to a point where *I'm* healthy. Otherwise I can't be everything I need to be and should be for others. If the cabin loses air pressure, put your own oxygen mask on first, right?

It's been 19 months. I need to get healthy. I was messed up for a long time, and I'm still pretty messed up because of all this, but it's a different kind of messed up and I'm working on it.

Is your life really over now ???

That's what it feels like, but of course I know the correct answer. It feels like my old life is over and I need to figure out how to start a new one. It feels segmented, not continuous (if that makes sense).

I see a guy, who no matter how loud he screams that he wants this drama over, that also knows, this letter will create more, and possibly create a doubt in her mind, and force her to come to you for support, or better yet, open her eyes and make her see how big of a mistake she is making...

I want her to come to me for support, but I want a relationship, not a "used-ship" as sandi2 put it. In time, as we've had some time apart, I don't know what I'll want. That's kind of why I felt the need to say how I felt last night, because after last night I don't know what's going to become of me. I might be a different person with different feelings...I really don't know. But I knew who I was last night, and as of right then, when I said "space starts now", I still loved her. And I wanted her to know because I think at times she doubted it.

I have seen you around Crimson's threads recently, and even pasting things on your thread, from his.

To simplify the theme that you have embraced the most... here...

When has your EX, ever really lost you ?

So why would she come looking for you, when she knows EXACTLY where you are ???

That's what I'm working on now.

At what point, will she finally lose you enough to look for you ???

Only time will tell. And the clock started last night.

Tick-tock.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I was laid off this morning as well - just in time for my first child support payment!

It hasn't really affected me yet. Weird. Maybe the brain can only process so much junk at a time.

-PM

[Tryin2figuritout]

PM,

As my Mom annoyingly always says, "this too shall pass....". It always drives me nuts when she says this, but it's obviously true. Perfect time to have more time on your hands???

Best of luck on finding something professionally. Your XW probably hasn't had enough time to start digesting your message. I hope you get some Daddy / daughters time soon to help.

You're in my thoughts....

Later,
Trying

[adinva]

Shoot PM, sorry to hear about the job. Sometimes having a whole bunch of existing cr*p makes some of the other cr*p somehow less cr*ppy, at least I've noticed that in my life. You gain perspective. I hope you find something great and soon.

I thought your letter would be best sent to you. It was stuff you needed to hear and do, even though it was in the guise of telling her she needed to back off. You don't get to say what she does or doesn't do. YOU need to back off. Doesn't hurt that you told her, as long as you were listening...

Take care.

[PatientMan]

Thanks for everyone's input and support. Today was rough to say the least, but not my worst by far.

It's interesting. Fear and panic of what I have done to distance myself from my best friend and the love of my life are racing through my mind, but I think it's natural. It's a bell I can't un-ring and now I have to live this new life out. I find that I am trying to detach from myself as much as I am from her so that I can stick to the plan of becoming wholly me, not an unfilled me who requires others to fill in the missing pieces.

I don't really have any other friends, so I definitely need to GAL. The depression is back and I've gone through enough cycles of it to recognize it and hopefully take the appropriate steps to minimize its duration.

It's been a year and a half, and I'm still stuck just missing my wife...my friend. But that's why I asked for space. Because it's been a year and a half and I'm still stuck here. Something had to change and maybe I didn't do it the best way, but maybe I did it the right way.

Ramble ramble.

Did anyone listen to that song I linked? I think maybe the word "worst" has a negative connotation, but the way I put it, it isn't a negative to her at all. She seemed to understand what I meant and that's what's important.

To be perfectly honest, I asked for space for her just as much, if not more, than for me. She says she needs to be okay on her own, yet continually reaches out to me. She needs to heal too, and that's her job, yes, but I couldn't help but help, especially if it helps us both down the road.

Did I ever tell you all how I rigged a contest so she could "win" a necklace she couldn't afford? I am such a sucker for that woman...geez.

Space is hard when time screeches to a halt!

-PM

[cbtdad]

PM, sorry you are going through all of this. Tough day for sure.
Hang in there. Btw, I recommend a son called, "Let her go" by Passenger
I think you are doing the right thing for you

[AnotherStander]

I realized that I am actually saying goodbye and not faking saying goodbye. I am actually moving forward, not just saying it.

Interesting, I didn't get that impression when I read it. I thought you were just saying you needed a break for a while. Oh well, it doesn't really matter because words don't have much impact on a WAS anyway, it's all about actions. So PM, what actions are you taking to move forward?

[labug]

Yes, too bad about the job. That certainly takes things to another level.

Now that you've done what you've done, (the letter, etc) let it go. It's the past.

Today is a new day.

What's on your agenda.