This is one of those letters you wrote to make you feel better with no intention of sending right. If you are thinking about actually sending this...we need to talk
Let's talk.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
PM, I have one word for you if you are thinking of sending that, "DUCK!"
Duck from what?
I'm certainly sensing the trend in responses, but I'm completely missing whatever is obvious to everyone else.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Great list of goals, etc but I think you need to state in writing, what you will do when you're alone and vulnerable and want to contact your W. We've all been there. How about an accountability friend you can call who will talk you through the craving.
I never initiate contact with her unless it's necessary because of the kids. I've gotten really good at no contact from me.
Originally Posted By: labug
Another question,why do you need to send XW a message? You don't have to contact her to let her know you're not going to contact her, do you?
I want her to stop contacting me.
Originally Posted By: labug
Sounds like you had a great time at the beach! Good.
It was really fun and we all had blast!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I never initiate contact with her unless it's necessary because of the kids. I've gotten really good at no contact from me.
So you're against a plan to help you through difficult times?
No contact from her is going to be difficult, you've not done this before. You don't know how that will affect you, it may be positive, it may be negative. All I'm saying is you need a plan.
How are you going to contact her about the kids and what in your mind constitutes necessary?
If you want her to stop contacting you, stop responding unless it's truly necessary, life/death necessary.
Tell us why you think your letter or message is a good thing.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Allow me to edit it, I think this would work better:
"In hindsight I realize I battled depression for years. I tried to fill the void in me up with so many things, but by far the most destructive tool I used was alcohol. The point of this letter isn’t to dissect my personal demons, but I was addicted to alcohol and I used it to cope with many things, mainly just to escape myself.
Quitting alcohol was easy. It was nothing.
XW, YOU are the worst thing I’ve ever been addicted to.
I thought I could move on with my life...move forward with my life while having you around, providing you support when you asked for it, being your friend, but I realize now that I’ve just been feeding my addiction all along and not moving on or forward at all.
I WANT a family. I WANT to be IN LOVE. I WANT to be in love WITH YOU. I want to share my life with someone and put that person above everybody else. I WANT that person to be YOU, but if that is something than can never happen then I am just forcing myself to be stuck in a place where I’ll never get what I want, where I’ll never be happy.
You and I have to be either IN or OUT. You have made it very clear that you are OUT. So I have to figure out how to move on, to move forward so that I can kick my addiction of you and be able to be open to someone else who can be open to me. It would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with you at the level we now have.
So, for lack of a better term, I need to detox. I need time and spaceto detox from you because you are so intoxicating to me.
We keep doing the same thing over and over again and we’re both still in the same spot – at least I know I am. I am still in love with you. I don’t know exactly where you are personally, but I know you are struggling and have been for a while, if not for the entire time frame of the last 18 months that this separation process has been going on.
I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with you in my life so much when I am so addicted to you. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
Let me leave you with this. Above all else, I love you and am in love with you. But I have to let go. Know that I am letting go out of that love.
I said, "DUCK" because of the 2 x 4's coming your way.
I am going to respond to the letter, but, PM, this is pursuing, self serving, and not something you want to send to her. I will tell you that it is not going to have the results you are hoping for.
The point of this letter isn’t to dissect my personal demons, but I was addicted to alcohol and I used it to cope with many things, mainly just to escape myself.
But then that is exactly what you go on to do. ^^^
Quitting alcohol was easy. It was nothing.
Really? Easy and nothing?
XW, YOU are the worst thing I’ve ever been addicted to.
Um, read that to yourself again.
I thought I could move on with my life...move forward with my life while having you around, providing you support when you asked for it, being your friend, but I realize now that I’ve just been feeding my addiction all along and not moving on or forward at all.
And you want to tell her that why^^^?
I WANT a family. I WANT to be IN LOVE. I WANT to be in love WITH YOU. I want to share my life with someone and put that person above everybody else. I WANT that person to be YOU, but if that is something than can never happen then I am just forcing myself to be stuck in a place where I’ll never get what I want, where I’ll never be happy.
A lot of I wants, up there, PM.
You and I have to be either IN or OUT. You have made it very clear that you are OUT. So I have to figure out how to move on, to move forward so that I can kick my addiction of you and be able to be open to someone else who can be open to me. It would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with you at the level we now have.
Guilt provoking statements, to what end?
So, for lack of a better term, I need to detox. I need time and space to detox from you because you are so intoxicating to me.
PM, I dont even know what to say to that. ^^^
We keep doing the same thing over and over again and we’re both still in the same spot – at least I know I am. I am still in love with you. I don’t know exactly where you are personally, but I know you are struggling and have been for a while, if not for the entire time frame of the last 18 months that this separation process has been going on.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say she knows you are still in love with her, sweetie. She has heard and seen it loud and clear.
I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with you in my life so much when I am so addicted to you. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
Thought that ^^^^ was the original plan. What happened?
Let me leave you with this. Above all else, I love you and am in love with you. But I have to let go. Know that I am letting go out of that love.
Ok, so you are going to tell her yet again, that you love her. PM, she KNOWS.Trust me on that one.
I will tell you her reaction will not be a good one. You are telling her what you want, that it is her fault because she is addictive, that you cant get over her.
I never initiate contact with her unless it's necessary because of the kids. I've gotten really good at no contact from me.
So you're against a plan to help you through difficult times?
No contact from her is going to be difficult, you've not done this before. You don't know how that will affect you, it may be positive, it may be negative. All I'm saying is you need a plan.
Good point. I suppose my default person is my sister, but I will definitely give this some thought.
Originally Posted By: labug
How are you going to contact her about the kids and what in your mind constitutes necessary?
Via text or email, mainly, but phone calls aren't out of the question if needed. "Necessary" means it has to do with the finances or coordinating the children's activities. I do not want her texting me about her clients or her day or the TV show she is watching, as examples.
Originally Posted By: labug
If you want her to stop contacting you, stop responding unless it's truly necessary, life/death necessary.
Tell us why you think your letter or message is a good thing.
Well, for one it is something different. She still cries every day and I'm still in love with her (and we're 18 months in!), so it explains why I feel this change is necessary.
Also, I actually feel like I just said "goodbye" to my wife and best friend forever, so I felt like I owed her more than the succinct version. Now that I've said my what I have to say, I'm going as dark as possible (given the children).
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Allow me to edit it, I think this would work better:
"In hindsight I realize I battled depression for years. I tried to fill the void in me up with so many things, but by far the most destructive tool I used was alcohol. The point of this letter isn’t to dissect my personal demons, but I was addicted to alcohol and I used it to cope with many things, mainly just to escape myself.
Quitting alcohol was easy. It was nothing.
XW, YOU are the worst thing I’ve ever been addicted to.
I thought I could move on with my life...move forward with my life while having you around, providing you support when you asked for it, being your friend, but I realize now that I’ve just been feeding my addiction all along and not moving on or forward at all.
I WANT a family. I WANT to be IN LOVE. I WANT to be in love WITH YOU. I want to share my life with someone and put that person above everybody else. I WANT that person to be YOU, but if that is something than can never happen then I am just forcing myself to be stuck in a place where I’ll never get what I want, where I’ll never be happy.
You and I have to be either IN or OUT. You have made it very clear that you are OUT. So I have to figure out how to move on, to move forward so that I can kick my addiction of you and be able to be open to someone else who can be open to me. It would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with you at the level we now have.
So, for lack of a better term, I need to detox. I need time and spaceto detox from you because you are so intoxicating to me.
We keep doing the same thing over and over again and we’re both still in the same spot – at least I know I am. I am still in love with you. I don’t know exactly where you are personally, but I know you are struggling and have been for a while, if not for the entire time frame of the last 18 months that this separation process has been going on.
I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with you in my life so much when I am so addicted to you. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
Let me leave you with this. Above all else, I love you and am in love with you. But I have to let go. Know that I am letting go out of that love.
There we go. Send THAT message.
It appears that everyone here thinks I should have gone with the short version. Oops! My sister very much liked what I wrote so that's what I went with last night after class when I stopped by XW's house.
We talked for maybe 10 minutes and she took it really hard. She was crying uncontrollably and I stayed for a moment, but then left as I realized this is what I can't give her - the support for how she feels. She reiterated that she had to get her "[shiz]" together and I did say that this space may help her with that.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
This probably won't be the 2x4 you were looking for from me...
When I read that, for a couple minutes, I felt all of that pain in you coming out. I felt the fear that you have, and I HATED that when I went through it.
It brought up some old memories within me, and I would assume it will do the same to every person that reads it.
I'm also having a hard time figuring you out. When you post to others, you have this confidence about you, and you always say something that makes me think, so I know you do the same with the poster you are trying to reach.
Yet when I read your thread, I see a different guy. A guy who is confused, and is really struggling hard to find peace with what has happened.
So where do you go from here ? What is it exactly that you are trying to get from that letter ???
When I read it, I see an exorbitant amount of guilt thrown out there....
Is that the way you want her to think about you when you ask for space ????
I see a very clingy, un-confident man, trying to talk his way out of something he acted his way into.
Is that who you want to be ???
I see a man, that is looking toward another person, for his answers...
Are those really the answers that you want ???
I read a man, that is trying to define himself, by what he wears on his left ring finger...
Is that what really defines you ???
I see a guy, who is trying to be a victim of what has happened to him, and not trying to embrace what the future could possibly bring, but living in what has happened , and taking a fatalistic view of his future...
Is your life really over now ???
I see a guy, who no matter how loud he screams that he wants this drama over, that also knows, this letter will create more, and possibly create a doubt in her mind, and force her to come to you for support, or better yet, open her eyes and make her see how big of a mistake she is making...
Is that really how you want her to communicate with you ???
I have seen you around Crimson's threads recently, and even pasting things on your thread, from his.
To simplify the theme that you have embraced the most... here...
When has your EX, ever really lost you ?
So why would she come looking for you, when she knows EXACTLY where you are ???
So i ask you this buddy...
Do you really want to send her that ???
Is that letter, the way you really want her to try again with you ???
At what point, will she finally lose you enough to look for you ???
I'm also having a hard time figuring you out. When you post to others, you have this confidence about you, and you always say something that makes me think, so I know you do the same with the poster you are trying to reach.
Yet when I read your thread, I see a different guy. A guy who is confused, and is really struggling hard to find peace with what has happened.
I second that PM. You give great advice to others, but then you turn around and put something totally different into practice yourself. Are you one of those "do as I say, not as I do" people? LOL! I'm just kidding you there, but do try to apply the same advice you'd offer others to your own sitch too. I think that's one of the benefits of posting to other people's threads, it helps us keep a clearer mind about our own sitches. Sometimes I stop and ask myself "if someone else was describing this, what would I tell them to do?" And then I do THAT instead of what my instincts tell me to do
