M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
When I reflect back on recent sales i am very happy...old inventory sales etc... we do have something to be happy and proud of.
I replied:
I agree. We have alot to be happy and proud about.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
KD ~ Yes, Co-D! I am getting and understanding ALOT from reading the CoD No More book. Trying to buy it on ebay. Very Valuable! Yes, I molded myself into what I believed he wanted from me. Wouldn't you say based on my above postings that I am now dropping the rope. I am trying to believe in MY needs and beliefs, wanting MORE for myself. This is why I am defending myself so much with Bond. Everything in the Co-D book suggests for me to do this, but everyone seems to be challenging me here....
Agreeing TOTALLY in your last comment... "if HE chooses to want to work things out with me". He needs to want to do his own work. This is what I have been trying to convey (with much much difficulty).
Actually, I am quite excited to become this new person. I am scared of her too, but still excited. I want to do the work....for me! I want to be the independent person, who is confident, happy and worthy of the love back that I put out.
OK, due to your extrovert nature, self validating might be challenging for you. You truly need to use self validating language, often. Saying things like, "I am a good person", "I am a successful woman", "I have valid beliefs" or things that are self affirming and validating. Even something so obvious like "I have blue eyes and blond hair" are statements about yourself which are self validating and can lead you to think of yourself from a more individual frame.
You ARE those things, you need to integrate those thoughts into your life. So when your H... or anyone else... having a conflicting idea seems to be suggesting you are wrong, you will question the source. At the very most, you will consider the validity of the source and your attachment to the source.
Does that make sense? Do you ever critically question your external sources?
Also, your language may be extrovert leaning as well, which might be confusing members here who are supporting you.
As he has been your external source for so many years, your language has a tendency to focus on him when you are working things out internally. It sounds confusing to a non-extrovert.
For you, showing many of those who are supporting you here that you are dropping the rope, you may want to state in terms of, "I was able to determine that my H's anger is his own and not mine". Leave out your understanding of his next actions "he then went off to pout" out of your description. It comes across as you trying to mind read, even though that is not your intention, rather just your observation, since you ARE in tune with your external sources.
Use I statements in your posts and leave out HE statements.
1) his observation is correct based on the focus we have put into the business since our split. We were in the negatives, now we are not! We have never had such a high amount in our business bank account. We have more than doubled our highest ever amount.
2) If h was wrong about his observation, I could verify it for myself by viewing our business bank account.
3) If I did not believe him. I would like to say back "H, I would have to disagree, based on our sales and bank account, you are incorrect.
I do, on occasion stand up to h... earlier today for example. H is insistant on continuing to purchase unnecessarsy vehicles to add to our inventory. If anyone recalls, it was his idea to also downsize. I reminded him that yes, I agree that we need to maintain the integrity of our inventory (therefore there are certain vehicles that we MUST buy). However, other random vehicles that he feels he wants to buy because we can make money on... I put my foot down. He said he understood. Then today, we had an oportunity to buy 2 others. He agreed that we didn't need one of them at this time. But the 2nd we could use for parts. Until, he went to look at it. He now has convinced me that we could get this one cheap, blah blah blah.... next thing you know, I am bidding on it. Hope we don't get it!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
UGH... my bid won! Oh well, at least it wasn't expensive and it didn't escalate into a fight.
I have been reading on other threads how a "loss" must be felt for the WAS to notice. In my case, due to working together... how can a loss be felt/noticed by him?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Keep the focus on you and you alone. Right now, you need to do the work on you for you.
When and if he can focus on what he had, he will begin to sense you withdrawing from him and if he's focused enough he will see you getting on w/your life w/o him in it and actually seeing you having fun and enjoying YOUR life. He will notice more if you as you continue to grow, i.e., become more self assured, independent and not that scared little mouse who is afraid to take any steps w/o checking w/him. It will take many months before him to realize that the changes that you are making for YOU, not to get him back, are permanent. There is absolutely no way to speed up the process of him waking up. His journey is much slower than the one you are on.
So, did you contact your counselor for a meet up? Have you gotten your appointment with a lawyer yet? KML gave you good advice on your other thread. You need to find out what your options are before you begin having talks w/him about the finances, etc. Please do not agree to anything he says about your end of the deal until you've sought out legal advice.
If you haven't made those appointment, please do so today. No more excuses...you've got to take care of yourself in all areas of your life. Leave him in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If I remember correctly, the conversation with your H was that EITHER you downsize inventory OR your upsize inventory and get a new building. I didn't think the decision one way or the other was made.
That said, notice how you are doing your "natural" behaviour of looking at external sources (other threads and sitchs) and trying to relate it to your own. That is fine, but it is adding more info for you which is causing you to be unsure.
Right now, focus on the support you are getting that is specific to you and your sitch and also when you speak to your IC.
We WILL advise you if we feel your behaviours are contrary or nudge you in a direction that hopefully work for you.
Make sense?
As snodderly says, keep your focus ON YOU at this time.
Snodderly ~ spot on! Trying to find the time to contact counselor, SOON! As for lawyer, I have a contact in mind. BUT, am not quite ready to see him yet. Next week h has mentioned we can talk. I will not agree to ANYTHING (will listen instead and ask questions). Based on a brief heated discussion last night about inventory and loss, that continued today...sounds like he is willing to be fair. I have every intention of discussing with a lawyer after I talk with him. We need a strategy and one that includes an exit strategy too.
Yes... I pray often... and am placing it all in God's hands. I have been that scared little mouse... trying to please him (it got me nowhere, really.)
KD ~ yes, it was either...but, also a passing comment. Something he is thinking about. No decisions. I think you may be right... I am focusing and obsessing on these boards. I need to focus on specific advice. Hoping to find time to call him again, ASAP. Kinda drowning in inventory atm. Please & thank you for continuing to support me.
I feel that you both are now seeing that I am making changes for me... is this true? And wanting something more for myself is part of my Co-d lessons: Letting go of h, not focusing on what he is doing, Standing up for myself (creating boundaries), Speaking calmly, Not being baited, validating, etc....., am I DB'ing?
Keeping the focus on me!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
...seeing that I am making changes for me... is this true?
It appears that way to me. We are all works in progress. Keep moving yourself forward and bettering yourself.
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
..., am I DB'ing?
Again, it appears that way to me.
We started you off with a clean slate some time last week, IIRC. You had some mid course adjustments to make and it seems that you are on a positive path, now.
Yes, keep the focus on you and keep doing your work... and for goodness sake, call that counsellor and make that appointment.
