Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

PM, I know you are sad. I am sorry you are.

The thing is that what you are doing is not working. It just isnt.

So continuing to do the same thing over and over is just going to get you the same results.

Your xw knows how you feel, trust me.

It is time for you to figure out PM. Find out who you are.

So that if you or she look to each other in the future, you can do it from a place of strength.

This is an amazing journey you are on. You get to become the very best you.

And you cant do that when your happiness is dependent on her.

It doesnt mean you have to stop loving her. It doesnt mean there is not hope for the future.

It just means that you get to figure out that happiness doesnt come from another person. It comes from within.

Let her go, PM.

You will be ok. You will get through this.

You will not regret it.

Take a leap of faith.

I know that you are right. Thank you for the continued support.

This is difficult, but it is the right thing to do. Always do the right thing!

-PM

[PatientMan]

I feel so blessed that there are so many people who care enough to take the time to help me. I want you to know that I truly appreciate it...you all have no idea. I really don't like to ask for help from anyone, and yet you all give it so freely and with such sincere care. I didn't even expect a response so quickly this morning, but it was like there was a team of you ready to support me as soon as I hit "submit" and it just really means a lot.

Right now, though, I am off to watch Monsters University with a few of my special ladies. See you later!

-PM

[uRworthy]

PM, I dont like to ask for help either. Something to work on, right?

I was thinking of something else I wanted to tell you.

Even though your children are young, they are always watching you. Taking things in when you or they dont realize it.

You do not want them to see an addictive relationship as that is not healthy.

You are being given a wonderful opportunity to show them how to navigate through life's turmoils. And you want them to see how to do it with strength and courage, honor and dignity.

Enjoy the movie and your precious girls.

You will get there, PM. It's all a process.

[Tryin2figuritout]

PM,

Hope you enjoyed the movie with your daughters. How are you today? Did you send across your message? Have you received a response?

Hope everything is going as well as it can.

Sincerely,
Trying

[PatientMan]

I am finishing up a trip to the beach with my 4 Ds and will be brief. It would be difficult to imagine the planned Sunday talk with XW going so much differently than I expected. I'll fill in the details later when I have more time, but it didn't happen. The girls and I left first thing Monday morning for the beach, so now I'm going to squeeze it in before I take the girls to my parents out of state on Saturday.

One could say I wussed out, but that wasn't the case. The situation was very "hot stove"-ish. I don't know if she sensed something was up (very possible) and put up some preemptive defense (also possible), but I'll elaborate later.

What I do know is that the depression is back...almost at full steam now. My heart/mind/soul is...crushed right now. I know it's temporary. I know the truths of this situation and what I need to do. I'm just crushed. Bad thoughts. Bad emotions. Bad...everything.

*sigh*

Thanks for the vent.

-PM

[labug]

It'll be tough but you can do it. What's your plan for dealing with your addiction. This is where people rely on hope too much. You need a plan.

My direct plan for her is the cold turkey approach. I am going to limit the amount of contact I have with her to break the dependence/addiction. This means no more hanging around the house, no more hanging out with her, limiting contact with her to kids and family topics that need to be addressed.

What I will focus on are my goals, which I listed a few out that came to mind at that moment when I wrote them in my last thread:

• Move to a larger place for me and the girls.
  
• Finish up my MBA (Dec).
  
• GAL (hopefully facilitated by the above bullet point).
  
• Get promoted.
  
• Get a larger vehicle.
  
• Go on one "excursion" a month with the girls (camping, canoeing, amusement park, etc.).
  
• Continue my one date a week with my D's (one-on-one date that rotates between the 4 of them).
  
• Make D's feel as special and loved as is humanly possible.
  
• Be an example for my girls, and for who they should look for in a mate after they grow up.
  
• Volunteer.
  
• Practice patience daily.
  
• Go to church every week.
  
• Consistently meet my nutritional and exercise goals. (No self sabotaging!)
  
• Start playing basketball again (herniated disc dependent).
  
• Connect with old friends (been trying) or make new ones (not easy/enjoyable for me).
  
• Pray more.
  
• Trust God more.
  
• Help others.
  
• Forgive XW truly and completely.
  
• Be the best version of me.

I have a small, one bedroom apartment which doesn't lend well to me following through with saying what I need to say today and walking away, so I am going to expedite the process of me moving back to the old house that we still own (well, now I own), and take the financial hit of breaking my lease to make it happen. I will be giving my tenants a 30 day notice to vacate the property, so I'll move back in August.

Space-wise, until then I'm just going to suck it up and make it happen.

So my plan is to go as cold-turkey as I can with her and focus on all these other areas of my life. Do you have any other suggestions?

Thanks labug.

-PM

Great list of goals, etc but I think you need to state in writing, what you will do when you're alone and vulnerable and want to contact your W. We've all been there. How about an accountability friend you can call who will talk you through the craving.

Another question,why do you need to send XW a message? You don't have to contact her to let her know you're not going to contact her, do you?

Sounds like you had a great time at the beach! Good.

[PatientMan]

Thoughts on the following with XW?

"In hindsight I realize I battled depression for years. I tried to fill the void in me up with so many things, but by far the most destructive tool I used was alcohol. The point of this letter isn’t to dissect my personal demons, but I was addicted to alcohol and I used it to cope with many things, mainly just to escape myself.

Quitting alcohol was easy. It was nothing.

XW, YOU are the worst thing I’ve ever been addicted to.

I thought I could move on with my life...move forward with my life while having you around, providing you support when you asked for it, being your friend, but I realize now that I’ve just been feeding my addiction all along and not moving on or forward at all.

I WANT a family. I WANT to be IN LOVE. I WANT to be in love WITH YOU. I want to share my life with someone and put that person above everybody else. I WANT that person to be YOU, but if that is something than can never happen then I am just forcing myself to be stuck in a place where I’ll never get what I want, where I’ll never be happy.

You and I have to be either IN or OUT. You have made it very clear that you are OUT. So I have to figure out how to move on, to move forward so that I can kick my addiction of you and be able to be open to someone else who can be open to me. It would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with you at the level we now have.

So, for lack of a better term, I need to detox. I need time and space to detox from you because you are so intoxicating to me.

We keep doing the same thing over and over again and we’re both still in the same spot – at least I know I am. I am still in love with you. I don’t know exactly where you are personally, but I know you are struggling and have been for a while, if not for the entire time frame of the last 18 months that this separation process has been going on.

I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with you in my life so much when I am so addicted to you. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.

Let me leave you with this. Above all else, I love you and am in love with you. But I have to let go. Know that I am letting go out of that love.

-PM"

Too much? Mach1 coming at me with a 2x4?

-PM

[labug]

You're kidding, right?

[Spartan]

This is one of those letters you wrote to make you feel better with no intention of sending right. If you are thinking about actually sending this...we need to talk

[uRworthy]

PM, I have one word for you if you are thinking of sending that, "DUCK!"