I have been quiet for the last month, focusing on my life outside of a couple, spending great time with my kids and our new deerhound puppy that I picked up a fortnight ago. He is a real treasure and great focus for me outside of my work and my cycling.
The WAS got very upset on the financial separation, to the extent she made some strong accusations in relation to some of my actions on our pension vehicle. I have remained firm, detached for the most part, being human there are times where I have been drawn into an emotionally driven conversation and have had to step back out again. I havel learnt from this and I now see that some of this is initiated as it fits into the WAS perception of control. By initiating a discussion that has emotion it draws me back into old habits and communication styles.
Most communication now is logistical about children and clothes, uniforms etc.
WAS has, I have said before seeing a spritual therapist and healer, ironically introduced to her by my mum. Today I received this email
"I spoke to C yesterday. She said we need to be kind to each other, not just civil, forgive each other and have compassion for one another. Without this we will not heal. She also said we should only say positive things about each other to the children and we need to try and be friends for their sake. She did some healing for you too.
We need to get things sorted so we can focus on the future and move forward in a way that we want to continue. Once we can stop having discussions around the agreements I think we will be in a better place to deal with each other in a more positive way.
S(7) told me the other night that you said you were having to waste your money on new beds for him because of me. I'm not putting this out there as a criticism, more that I think you should be aware that he is picking up on comments, even if they are not intended in a negative way. I too have probably said things that he can misconstrue so in future I will be more careful too."
The S comment show how children pick up on things as I had said to him we would need to choose a new bed rather than said it was a criticism.
I was strcuk by the urge to reply but have resisted. To me I think this sounds acadamic and intellectual, rather than something she believes, and it is good she is thinking about thse thing however it is about her and I need to focus on me, GAL and the Children. I would really appreciate some thought and observations on whether remaining silent or give some affirmation whilst remaining detached. I do not think it is possible to be friends, I can be friendly and of course will do everything to save the children whilst being detached.,
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
To me I think this sounds acadamic and intellectual, rather than something she believes
= mind-reading. Don't guess what her motivations are, just take it at face value. I think what she said is quite reasonable.
Quote:
I would really appreciate some thought and observations on whether remaining silent or give some affirmation whilst remaining detached.
Detached does NOT mean being cold, distant and non-responsive. I wish people would say "lovingly detached" instead of "detached", because it's more accurate in terms of DB'ing. Detached just means that you've removed yourself from her roller coaster, that when she throws negative stuff at you it doesn't affect your PMA. You should by all means continue to show her respect, and that means responding thoughtfully to her texts/ emails/ conversations.
It is more difficult as she wants to finalise the consent order and financial agreement, the latter she has at times been very aggressive about.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
How does lovingly detached fit in when you are doing LRT?
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
I know when I first joined the board and saw the response to "detach" repeatedly posted after almost everyones first post, I thought detach meant to do as the Sandi's Rules state; don't call, don't text, etc... but then I came across another post (which I can not find now) that explaned detachment more like AnotherStander described it above. "Detaching" made much more sense when it was explained more like this point stated in the article:
"Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling."
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I thought detach meant to do as the Sandi's Rules state; don't call, don't text, etc... but then I came across another post (which I can not find now) that explaned detachment more like AnotherStander described it above. "Detaching" made much more sense when it was explained more like this point stated in the article:
"Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling."
Right, that's exactly it. And also it's an ability to maintain a positive personal outlook no matter what junk your WAS throws at you. I once told someone here it's like this:
Not detached: W sad = you sad, w angry = you angry, w happy = you happy
Detached: W sad = you happy, w angry = you happy, w happy = you happy
Here's something Peanut posted some time ago that describes it nicely as well:
Quote:
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
WAS wants to talk through arrangements and agreements. Not looking forward to it as she turned nasty last time we did, need to remain calm and focused.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
I understand detachment, the articles and replies have been very helpful, still not sure if it fits when you are actually going through legal process of separation of children and assets. Also whether duing LRT you cannot use the lovingly detached if you are trying to break the pursuer chaser circle and use Sandi's rules.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Well I have had a fantastic weekend, on Friday I had a friend visit unexpectedly and we ML, very good to get close to someone and share some affection. A great boost to my ego and feeling that I am attactive.
WAS constantly talked down about my physical shape, body hair etc. I had to go an see WAS to drop some of the kids stuff around for next week. She had emailed me earlier about school holiday care and I had pushed back on some points, as in the past WAS had provided only enough ionformation to me to support the outcome she wanted in terms of the holiday care. I calmly stated my point and set the boundary clearly in terms of what I expected. WAs tried to draw an argument by turning it into an accusation that I had said she was not doing her share, I validated by saying I understood why she thought that and restated my point.
When I was about to leave she asked how I was, I said I was great and really happy. She said she wants this to be over and she finds dealing with the legal agreements on financial and the children very stresful. I said that this (separation) was what she wanted and she replied that she did not see why she should be punished for her actions. I told her I was not punishing her, that this was not what I wanted, she replied that I had everything I wanted, the nice house, the children 50 % of the time and that I earned more than her and was not having to pay maintenance. I said it is not what I wanted, I do not want to have to buy the house, this was a result of her choice to want to stay on the island rather than return to our home countries. I explained that what was happening was the result of her choice and that what I wanted was my family, to have my children with their mum and dad every day. She said the children have a family and two parents who love them but that those parents needed to be happy. She was crying. I told her I wanted her to be happy and that our happiness is our individual responsibility.
This morning she has written pushing that the agreements be signed this week. I have told her I am too busy this week, that I need the final versions and I will consider these when I have time to review. I am feeling stronger when she tries to control the timing and outcome to state my boundaries.
I feel completely unhooked from her emotional roller coaster.
She has not mentioned OM and has not moved in with him. I don't know whether the EA and PA continues. She is feeling under pressure financially and probably scared about the future. Yesterday she said she had taken responsibility for organising child care and I said I had offered and she had said she would do it. She said yes but you did not take responsibility, or ask about the carer, I listened to her, I said I understood her point and that it would be helpful for me if she could communicate her thought on this.
WAS has said in the past is that she did not feel listened to, that she felt taken for granted. I know WAS often say this and use it as excuse for EA or PA, which she has done. I need to be detached but formulate a 180 that demonstrates I do listen, care etc and remain detached while doing this. WAS has a emotional shield which she uses as protetion, she sees any considerate or caring action as a weakness to be taken advantage of, I am working on developing boundaries and am aware of this shield and her tendencies to attack. So I need to work on being a listener and showing her compassion and knowing if there is an attack it will not impact my PMA.
I am feeling so much better within.
I think she likes my new puppy. I continue to GAL and focus on work and cycling.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
