Hey Newman, still keeping up with the sitch and supporting your decisions to do what it best for you and your family. Loved reading Hopefulstill's story. It gives hope to so many here. Keep up the good work.
Hey Galbaby where have you've been? Good to hear from you! As always, thanks for your continued support.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
And, it reinforces the TIME commitment needed and the CONSISTENCY in the changes we make.
Hey GTO, agreed and that's everyday work right there. I went to this seminar once and the speaker was saying that it takes 365days to change one's behavior.
Hey I read about your transfer, I think that has a lot of good potential for sure. Keep us posted.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I must say well done sir! And congrats to your sitch but I'm sure the work continues.
I have to ask, how did you handle her grieving? You know that 1 year of NC w OM. How did you fill her love tank? I'm sure you thread that very carefully. My W, when I bust her EAs, she would fall into that withdrawal and then she'd backslide. What was your actions around the house? I'm sure the MC was a big help.
But during the first 3mos of that grieving is critical, I know my W won't want me to touch her, be sweet etc so I'm doing LRT, you know not initiating contact etc.
Sorry my q's are all over the place...I gotta get ready for work, but give me more yeah? Give me more of that interactions turning it around in that one year, when you have time I'm sure you're busy.
Thanks much! Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Newman, I wouldn't exactly say the work continues. I'm just being the best husband and father I can be, and she the best wife she can be, it's actually very easy now because we are in love. I learned after the EA what behaviors I was doing that would empty her love bank and stopped doing those things. Now that I understand what she dislikes, it's easy to avoid. We could have been spared a lot of heartache had she known to just ask for those changes before the A.
Her most important needs are good conversation, affection and being a good father. I'm an expert at meeting these now, and it's paid off- big time. I became an expert during her A and it's second nature for me now. Being an expert didn't stop the A though- it just made me an alternative to the OM or being alone. Make no mistake- she wasn't in love with me anymore during the A- the OM was receiving her whole heart. At the end, she had to make a decision with her head, not her heart. She saw a lot in the plus column: father of my children, obvious financial choice, no need to move/share kids, I was being a good husband. In the end, that's why I came through when she was forced to choose.
I read so many hear that want their spouse to return "for love", and that's the only reason. THEY WON'T! They don't love you like the OP! They have to use their brains and make the smart choice, which is hard for them! What the wayward doesn't believe is that they will ever love you again. I'm proof that they can!!! Have them return for any reason they want, who cares! They are back! Now you can rebuild the love!
While my wife was going through withdrawal, she would call me when she was feeling down to hear my voice. Sometimes I could hear it and would ask if she was sad. She'd say yes, and apologize for feeling that way. I'd tell her that it's ok, and we'd get through it. The hardest was the first 2 months. By 6 months she was madly in love with me and had only occasional thoughts about him (not romantic ones, just missing the friendship part). Today I'm not sure if he pops in her head or not- sure doesn't seem like it.
It was harder on me, I think. As happy as I was to have her back, later on I started feeling a bit sad myself about it. Was she always going to think about this guy? Could I live with that? Could I ever really trust her again? When? What if this guy gets divorced and starts pursuing my wife again? What would she do? I was plagued hourly. Then just several times a day, then daily, etc etc. it's still with me, just less freqeunt, less intense. I never use the A against her, or get into conversations with her about it. We did that early on, i got my answers, no its behind us. We just focus on making our marriage affair proof. If she thinks I'm distracted my wife is very quick to pull me aside and gaze into my eyes and say "I love YOU, only you! You have nothing to worry about! You're STUCK with me!" then I feel better
I would say MC did not help too much. She was lying to the MC anyway, and the MC never got anywhere with her. Ive heard so many horror stories of bad MCs that i would probably never go to one again. I have to say, I made it through on my own. I read everything. I became an expert. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm just glad to be through it.
To be honest, I have been avoiding the boards because I can sometimes feel a twinge of pain reading your stories- they hit so close to home. I'm here because I feel God gave me the gift of my marriage back, and I want to help pay it back in a small way.
Hey Newman..i'm always around, just don't post much as I feel I still have so much to learn, I can't really offer a lot of advice, just support. Another amazing post from Hopefulstill. Thanks for the wisdom HFS.
I read over what you wrote and will comment this weekend, work is just brutal right now been putting in 12-13 hr days. In the meantime, anything you see in my sitch you would've done different?
Galbaby, I totally relate to what you're saying...it's just an everyday learning process. I got to check out your sitch I hope all is well. If I remember correctly you are in piecing right?
GTO, no advice is welcome as well thanks for checking in on me. I don't have any updates either..all is calm right now anticipating d18 move to college. I'm really gonna miss her you know. She's the one keeping me busy on the weekends with s14, and s3 movies, mall, etc. anyway she will move out Aug.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I read so many hear that want their spouse to return "for love", and that's the only reason. THEY WON'T! They don't love you like the OP! They have to use their brains and make the smart choice, which is hard for them! What the wayward doesn't believe is that they will ever love you again. I'm proof that they can!!! Have them return for any reason they want, who cares! They are back! Now you can rebuild the love!
I think you have very good insight into the thinking of the WAS. I wonder if you see an EA as different? What if the WAS decides to come back, but still has some contact with the OP due to unavoidable interactions?
I would say that it would be highly unlikely for the wayward to fall beck in love with the LBS while there is any contact with the source of their addiction- the OP. My wife tried that early in her EA. She could have removed the OM from her work project, but was afraid that folks at her office might suspect there was something going on between them and she didn't want to risk embarrassment or termination. She agreed that she would have minimal, business only, contact until the project was completed and he was gone. I reluctantly agreed. I regret that decision deeply. It didn't take long for him to start charming her again and they went even deeper into the A (at that point I hadn't told his wife, there was no reason for him to stop). Of course, she continued to lie to me that there was no contact. I'd ask daily, and she'd say "nope, nothing!". What a fool I was.
My advice? There is no such thing as "unavoidable". If its this important, you move mountains to get her away from him. Move to another state if you have to. Don't wait, make it happen. If you have not already, let his wife know (if he's married). You'll need all the help you can to pull them away from each other.
