Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

PM, let me ask you something.

Is holding onto her giving you what you want?

I'm thinking that it isnt.

So, there is the possibility that letting go, can.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up.

I feel that lovingly letting her go is the ultimate act of love.

It is saying that you cherish her enough to want her to be happy, even if that means it isnt with you.

It is telling her that you hear her. You hear that she wants to be independent.

And if in the future, it is meant to be for the two of you to look towards each other, then, you will have become the person you were meant to be and will be able to enter a new relationship with her from a place of strength.

How about this:

"XW,

I hear you when you say that you need your independence and that we both need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working to accomplish those goals, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me."

Or is that explaining too much in the beginning and I should just go with the original?

[Mach1]

How about this:

"XW,

I hear you when you say agree that you we need your independence and that we both need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working to accomplish those goals for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me."

Just my thoughts.....

[PatientMan]

How about this:

"XW,

I hear you when you say agree that you we need your independence and that we both need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working to accomplish those goals for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me."

Just my thoughts.....

Thanks

[PatientMan]

Wow. I went from setting some boundaries to feeling like I'm saying "goodbye" to her forever. I am going to sleep on it, but I think this is best.

What I have been doing is feeding my addiction to her, even if all I'm getting is just scraps at this point. So I don't think I can let her go with her around me. I thought I could, but I guess not. My addiction is too strong.

This is going to be hard, but if I wake up tomorrow and still feel it's the right thing to do, then it's done. Always do the right thing, no matter what.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I was reading through Crimson's thread last night. Our situations are so similar and the advice he is getting probably translates exactly for me. Last night, as I was catching back up with his comments and those helping him, I just had to shut my laptop and put it down. I couldn't take it.

I don't think I'm living in reality. Somehow I went from a place of strength to a world that is spinning, and reading through the thread I kept thinking, "This is me...this is my situation...this is my reality"...and I don't think I've really come to accept it.

Maybe my mind has been fooling me. Or I've been fooling myself. Or I have allowed myself to be fooled. So I slept on what I read last night and came back and read it again. Things like:

I believe she will use the child as her bait to keep you hooked...

...If you will start doing as the court laid out in the papers, it will start to open her eyes to how much you had been giving her and how hard you had tried. She NEEDS to abide by the D papers and see how the real world is. Not to punish her, but to help her see how unreasonable she has been. And even if that doesn't jump start her into getting her eyes open a little more, the fact that she shoved you away and now (and in the future) sees you having a life without her.....compared to her own empty life. She has had you filling in the gaps and rescuing her whenever she had a bad day, and calling the shots about child visitation...

You have been the one to make personal & lasting improvements......not her. You were the one who did all the giving over to what she wanted.. It was not a two-way street. The painful truth is that it would continue to be like this, as long as you were the one doing all the changing, growing, and giving......and she did none. I believe the only way she will change is to really have to stand without there to prop her up.

That's another thing I think she'll try. Look for her to pull the friendship card. And when you agree, then she will "use" and abuse the hell out of it.

sandi2 is describing my sitch to a "t". TO A "T".

And then:

The only times I have ever seen a D couple be on even friendly terms was after they had truly detached from each other. And then, they did not hang out together, like your xw thinks of "friends" after D.

Hard to read, but I probably need to read it.

And then more.

I believe you are going to see where you have out-grown her...And until she really believe you are moving on.....she will not take that same hard look at herself, an see what others see.

...B/c it is like you approaching a door that has only an inside knob. You can't push it open. The only way is for her to turn the know and open that door from inside...

...But that is why I believe the WAS says it is easier to have new R than to repair the old one. Yes, it is easier on our feelings!

Ugh. What a gut punch of truth.

And then Crimson reaches inside my brain and says:

Sad thing is, I WANT to help. I STILL have this drive to help her, make her life easier - and I have to make a conscience decision to shut off my heart and stick to my guns. I wanted to believe that "being there" for her helps our relationship but it doesn't. It's cake eating.

I struggle to understand how she does not see that the kind of help that she is asking for is the kind of help you get when you are a couple, a partnership, a team. Why is it that she believes she can have all the ease of a two parent home without having to live in one? It just seems so clear that she is missing a partner or the benefits of having one - but not enough to realize we are ALL better off together...

...You are right about the "friends" thing. She's already said in TM "we will be friends forever....." I just don't think I can be there like that right now. If she wants to work on R, that's one thing - but not like this.

I am so addicted to this woman. And I see my situation being played out almost exactly with someone else and it shines the light on my own sitch...and it was just a lot to handle for some reason last night.

In Crimson's thread 25mlc says to "lovingly detach". And the advice I'm getting from all of you who have been kind enough to read through all of my garbage and help me in my own thread is saying I need to step away as well.

Hope is a dangerous thing for me. I think I have always had hope that reconciliation with my wife is a puzzle and if I just dissected it and thought about it enough, if I did and said the right things at the right times, that I could figure out a way to put the puzzle together.

So I have hoped, but I haven't let go. It's time I open my ears, do something different, and let go. I can still hope, but I have to let go.

To my XW's inevitable question: "I thought we could be friends", I guess my answer is, "maybe someday, but not right now."

I'm addicted to this woman. I need to break my addiction and I have fooled myself into thinking I could do it while hanging around her. Really what I was doing was just feeding that addiction. So I think the advice I have been given is best: go cold turkey for a while.

"XW,

I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me."

^^^To be delivered. I am very sad.

-PM

[labug]

It'll be tough but you can do it. What's your plan for dealing with your addiction. This is where people rely on hope too much. You need a plan.

[jp787]

PM - I feel the same about being addicted. I live my life based on how I feel about my W or our sitch at that moment.

It is time for me to make my move and one thing that keeps resonating in my head it what UW has continued to ask me.

Take a leap of faith.

The other thing I would ask you is after you give your W your words do you have your expectations in check?

[uRworthy]

PM, I know you are sad. I am sorry you are.

The thing is that what you are doing is not working. It just isnt.

So continuing to do the same thing over and over is just going to get you the same results.

Your xw knows how you feel, trust me.

It is time for you to figure out PM. Find out who you are.

So that if you or she look to each other in the future, you can do it from a place of strength.

This is an amazing journey you are on. You get to become the very best you.

And you cant do that when your happiness is dependent on her.

It doesnt mean you have to stop loving her. It doesnt mean there is not hope for the future.

It just means that you get to figure out that happiness doesnt come from another person. It comes from within.

Let her go, PM.

You will be ok. You will get through this.

You will not regret it.

Take a leap of faith.

[PatientMan]

It'll be tough but you can do it. What's your plan for dealing with your addiction. This is where people rely on hope too much. You need a plan.

My direct plan for her is the cold turkey approach. I am going to limit the amount of contact I have with her to break the dependence/addiction. This means no more hanging around the house, no more hanging out with her, limiting contact with her to kids and family topics that need to be addressed.

What I will focus on are my goals, which I listed a few out that came to mind at that moment when I wrote them in my last thread:

• Move to a larger place for me and the girls.
  
• Finish up my MBA (Dec).
  
• GAL (hopefully facilitated by the above bullet point).
  
• Get promoted.
  
• Get a larger vehicle.
  
• Go on one "excursion" a month with the girls (camping, canoeing, amusement park, etc.).
  
• Continue my one date a week with my D's (one-on-one date that rotates between the 4 of them).
  
• Make D's feel as special and loved as is humanly possible.
  
• Be an example for my girls, and for who they should look for in a mate after they grow up.
  
• Volunteer.
  
• Practice patience daily.
  
• Go to church every week.
  
• Consistently meet my nutritional and exercise goals. (No self sabotaging!)
  
• Start playing basketball again (herniated disc dependent).
  
• Connect with old friends (been trying) or make new ones (not easy/enjoyable for me).
  
• Pray more.
  
• Trust God more.
  
• Help others.
  
• Forgive XW truly and completely.
  
• Be the best version of me.

I have a small, one bedroom apartment which doesn't lend well to me following through with saying what I need to say today and walking away, so I am going to expedite the process of me moving back to the old house that we still own (well, now I own), and take the financial hit of breaking my lease to make it happen. I will be giving my tenants a 30 day notice to vacate the property, so I'll move back in August.

Space-wise, until then I'm just going to suck it up and make it happen.

So my plan is to go as cold-turkey as I can with her and focus on all these other areas of my life. Do you have any other suggestions?

Thanks labug.

-PM

[PatientMan]

It is time for me to make my move and one thing that keeps resonating in my head it what UW has continued to ask me.

Take a leap of faith.

I think that's good advice, and it's something different! What you and I have been doing isn't working, so we have to change it up!

The other thing I would ask you is after you give your W your words do you have your expectations in check?

That's something to think about. Thanks. I am expecting a some questions, but it's also possible she goes completely cold on me...for a while. Thanks for the reminder to be prepared for anything.

-PM