So I'm trying to figure out how to approach the "boundaries" talk this weekend, and you probably wouldn't believe it, but I got nothing. I can't figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it. I've got so much coming from so many different places...I'm speechless.
Any help?
-PM
Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.
List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny ? Then find out why they do, cause they might not be a boundary that you need to relay to her....
Make sure, 100%, that you boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" her in any way...
Watch how you deliver them to her. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling to her....
Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.
"Always" and "Never" are words that make us Hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.
Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.
Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. I.E. = it is worth it to even state them.
Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like she has hers.
Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let her live with them. They will cause her to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.
Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
Be the man that you want to be, regardless what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
A general thought, if I may....
Wife...
I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
PM- Not that I have much experience in setting up boundaries but maybe if you list some of the ones that you are thinking off, the folks here can comment on it. Or are you asking people here to give your boundary ideas? Which I don’t think is what you are saying.
Part of it goes back to us and just touching in general. Back rubs, hugs, cuddling...those aren't things that "friends" do, but that we have always done (even when we were friends before we dated). It makes sense that those types of things should stop for the sole reason that we are divorced, but there is also the time in the future when one of us is involved with someone else and those types of things would have to stop then, creating an awkward/hurtful situation at that time.
And just to be clear, I never initiate contact. I haven't in a long time.
I think we should stop hanging out together. She has said over and over, through her words and her actions, that she needs her independence...to be "okay" on her own. BUT, she still reaches out to me. So she's not really handling her business and healing as she SAYS she wants to.
And I'm addicted to her, so I respond to her reaching out to me, so I'm not healing either in a sense of being able to move forward without her.
So space seems to solve each of our problems in that area.
I have been so focused on her for so long that I don't know what I "need" to do to heal. If someone were to ask me that, I would still answer "I want my wife and my family back."
I realize that isn't an answer that shows I've done any growing, but it's the truth. I just can't figure out how to let go.
So boundaries as in physical contact, but also time together. As my sister suggested, maybe make it pretty strict for the first month or two and then see where we both sit.
Let me be clear: I don't want to be friends. But I seem to be stuck in a place where my choices are:
1) Say goodbye and feel like I lose her forever 2) Keep doing what hasn't been working, but at least keeps her close enough to feed my addiction
Really, any help is appreciated. Specific or just thought provoking. I realize #2 isn't the right choice.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.
List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny ? Then find out why they do, cause they might not be a boundary that you need to relay to her....
Make sure, 100%, that you boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" her in any way...
Watch how you deliver them to her. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling to her....
Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.
"Always" and "Never" are words that make us Hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.
Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.
Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. I.E. = it is worth it to even state them.
Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like she has hers.
Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let her live with them. They will cause her to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.
Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
Be the man that you want to be, regardless what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
Thank you.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
A general thought, if I may....
Wife...
I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
Simple. Succinct. Honest. Direct.
I like it. I hate it.
Did you intentionally leave it open ended, from a time perspective?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
Simple. Succinct. Honest. Direct.
I like it. I hate it.
Did you intentionally leave it open ended, from a time perspective?
Open ended ?
Yes...
Would you rather a nice, long, clingy goodbye ????
Like I said, don't overstate your boundary, say exactly what you NEED to say, and walk away.
Would you rather a nice, long, clingy goodbye ????
Like I said, don't overstate your boundary, say exactly what you NEED to say, and walk away.
Good point. In fact, I was just about to type "consider it done, then", but one thing popped in my head: the kids.
Currently I come over on the evenings I don't have class and tuck the girls in. I'd hate to lose that too.
The more I read your suggestion, though, the more I like it. If I add something about the kids:
"XW,
I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.
I very much enjoy spending time with the children on evenings I do not have school and when you work on the weekends, and would like to continue to do so. Let me know if this becomes an issue for you."
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I feel for you. This can just seriously blow doing all the heavy lifting without the rewards. You get to grow personally and that is absolutely fantastic, different perspectives, reality checks, etc. But when the heavy lifting doesn't produce results that YOU have created in your head it goes all to pieces.
I get turned topsey-turvey all day long and while I am sooooo grateful my W has discussed us again it makes my own boundaries so blurred I don't know which way is up sometimes. Only thing I'm having to learn is to quickly change what is not working. She'll react negatively and think "maybe this is a sign we're not supposed to be together". She'll sit on those emotions for days even when we've had good conversation / fun together.
Think about Sandi's rule on changing away from things that don't work. You mention your current approach is not working. Can you identify WHAT specifically you are doing that is not working? If you can, tweak it or overhaul it.
I wish you well.
Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
PM- Not that I have much experience in setting up boundaries but maybe if you list some of the ones that you are thinking off, the folks here can comment on it. Or are you asking people here to give your boundary ideas? Which I don’t think is what you are saying.
Part of it goes back to us and just touching in general. Back rubs, hugs, cuddling...those aren't things that "friends" do, but that we have always done (even when we were friends before we dated). It makes sense that those types of things should stop for the sole reason that we are divorced, but there is also the time in the future when one of us is involved with someone else and those types of things would have to stop then, creating an awkward/hurtful situation at that time.
And just to be clear, I never initiate contact. I haven't in a long time.
I think we should stop hanging out together. She has said over and over, through her words and her actions, that she needs her independence...to be "okay" on her own. BUT, she still reaches out to me. So she's not really handling her business and healing as she SAYS she wants to.
And I'm addicted to her, so I respond to her reaching out to me, so I'm not healing either in a sense of being able to move forward without her.
So space seems to solve each of our problems in that area.
I have been so focused on her for so long that I don't know what I "need" to do to heal. If someone were to ask me that, I would still answer "I want my wife and my family back."
I realize that isn't an answer that shows I've done any growing, but it's the truth. I just can't figure out how to let go.
So boundaries as in physical contact, but also time together. As my sister suggested, maybe make it pretty strict for the first month or two and then see where we both sit.
Let me be clear: I don't want to be friends. But I seem to be stuck in a place where my choices are:
1) Say goodbye and feel like I lose her forever 2) Keep doing what hasn't been working, but at least keeps her close enough to feed my addiction
Really, any help is appreciated. Specific or just thought provoking. I realize #2 isn't the right choice.
-PM
Wow PM, I am turning around to find you as you must be on the same boat as I. Maybe your on the one ahead of me with those who have worked more and found more of themselves.
Makes me wonder if it isn't our boats that are leaking, but if it is being on the water when we need to be on the land.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I very much enjoy spending time with the children on evenings I do not have school and when you work on the weekends, and would like to continue to do so. Let me know if this becomes an issue for you."
The ONLY thing I would caution about this...
Is that it CAN be a potential for her to see this as "cake-eating" from you.
Really take some time to think about this, and what it really means to you. Maybe this could be what your Sister was speaking of, that after time you could ease into things again.
I'm not saying that it is a bad thing, just dance around that very carefully....
YOU are setting boundaries against cake eating, and if SHE sees this as being what you are asking for, it could backfire very quickly.
Her hypocrisy can have zero limits, just make sure you are air tight..
So, there is the possibility that letting go, can.
Letting go doesnt mean giving up.
I feel that lovingly letting her go is the ultimate act of love.
It is saying that you cherish her enough to want her to be happy, even if that means it isnt with you.
It is telling her that you hear her. You hear that she wants to be independent.
And if in the future, it is meant to be for the two of you to look towards each other, then, you will have become the person you were meant to be and will be able to enter a new relationship with her from a place of strength.
I very much enjoy spending time with the children on evenings I do not have school and when you work on the weekends, and would like to continue to do so. Let me know if this becomes an issue for you."
The ONLY thing I would caution about this...
Is that it CAN be a potential for her to see this as "cake-eating" from you.
Really take some time to think about this, and what it really means to you. Maybe this could be what your Sister was speaking of, that after time you could ease into things again.
I'm not saying that it is a bad thing, just dance around that very carefully....
YOU are setting boundaries against cake eating, and if SHE sees this as being what you are asking for, it could backfire very quickly.
Her hypocrisy can have zero limits, just make sure you are air tight..
Make sense ???
Yes. I see what you mean.
I need to get a bigger place. It's going to be difficult to "walk away" and stick to the terms of the divorce decree when I'm living in a one bedroom apartment and have 4 kids.
We didn't really intend to stick to the decree terms unless things got so bad between us that we HAD to, but if I need to do this then I need to suck it up and make everything happen.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
