Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

Can I ask you if you are still holding onto hope?

[whitneypinch]

Ahhhhh, that question.....

Yes, I am holding onto hope. I think I will always have hope.

My XW is in a serious relationship now, one in which my 10 year old daughter does not like the guy and is causing real problems for my XW.

I just continue on, to work on myself, and to be as kind as I can with everyone, including my XW.
The truth is my D has changed me for the good.
I am trying to get to the point of truly just loving my XW as my children's mom and hoping she is happy no matter what. I am about 60% there.

My 8 year old son was upset 2 months ago when he found out about his mom's new boyfriend. He asked me, with tears streaming down his face; "daddy, why are we not enough for mommy to even try?".....
I just held him, told him I loved him, and said; "I don't have the answer to that and it would be better if he asked his mom".

My XW is extremely nice and caring towards me. So, I am happy about that but at the same time interactions with her leave me hurting. She and I get along so well, but I guess that is not enough for her.

Tomorrow is another day...

[LBH_LC]

My 8 year old son was upset 2 months ago when he found out about his mom's new boyfriend. He asked me, with tears streaming down his face; "daddy, why are we not enough for mommy to even try?".....
I just held him, told him I loved him, and said; "I don't have the answer to that and it would be better if he asked his mom".

Uh, not a father, so forgive me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't you have said it has nothing to do with him?

[JJAC2005]

WP- I can see that we have a few things in common here. However, I am curious as to your situation and any DB techniques you have tried...with or without results.
I see that you have been D for some time now...definitely not sure about why you are not seeing any more progress when you are friendly with your ex. Do you express your feelings and desires to her at all?
I know that its not part of the process (entirely) but I had a huge discussion about that 2 weeks ago and it seemed to hit home to her.
I am enjoying the friendship stage for now, but its tough as hell when I am so freaking attracted to my ex, and it appears that she is still just as attracted to me...but since she is in a relationship she has asked for me to have more respect for her boundaries....but we still flirt like hell.
Do you and your ex exhibit any of the old flame?

[whitneypinch]

Yes, there are many similarities to our situations.

When I leave my ex alone for a fews days she is always friendlier to me, but when I am friendlier to her she pulls back. I understand this is typical.

I too am still very attracted to my XW. I see her ever few days because of our 2 children. It hard as we always get along.

My divorce has provided deep changes in me. I am much more appreciative, kind and loving. This has benefited my 2 kids and myself greatly !
My kids and I do everything together and go on great adventures all the time.

For me nothing seems to have worked other than my X and I get along really well.
Now that she is in a serious relationship she has put her wall back up with me.
My X has no interest in talking to me about anything between us.
The downside is that I don't believe my X has done the deep work to figure out herself and her contribution to the end of our marriage, like I have.

She is really having trouble with the kids accepting her new relationship.
In fact the kids have really started pushing back. They keep asking why did she not pick someone like daddy, who is down to earth, kind and caring.
Needless to say I don't think my XW is too happy to have the kids pushing on her with that. But she has glossed over the whole thing and has to now face the realities of all of this.

The other issue is that my X is extremely attractive and from a VERY affluent family. So, she continually has attention around her.
I dont believe she will ever do the deep work required of her.

For me all I can do is just be a decent person to her and stay focussed on my kids.
If she is not interested, what can I do?
It is a real shame as we get along great and we have 2 wonderful kids.
I dont' understand why we don't talk about it.... but then again, I m not her.

[JJAC2005]

I actually have been thinking about this all day for many reasons…
I continued to improve…I worked on my 180’s and my GAL programs
I am a better version of what I was when I was married…and she (my wife) noticed it after our talk.
But in NO way is she letting on that she is at all interested in looking at us again…in fact she is stating the complete opposite…that she will never give me any more second chances.
So, I have to take the friendship offer for now….let my actions speak loud and clear!
She knows my heart…she knows exactly how I feel about everything…..I made it pretty clear, and yes I know that it pushed her back a few steps.
However, she is still there…she is still keeping in touch, still letting me know that there are things that she thinks about.
Being friends with someone you are deeply in love with and want so much more with…really [censored]!
But, It’s a lot better than the alternative…and in my case a complete 180 from 6 months ago!
That being said….I know that there isn’t a BF alive that would allow their GF to go out hanging with their ex…..
There was something I said about her new figure just 3 days earlier when we were golfing…something about her guns and her being buff….but in a good way, as she looked incredibale!
Anyway, she texted me again last night (late) when I know she should have been texting her bf instead of some silly insecure moment she was having and needed my validation on for her to feel better….but she reached out for that clarification because she gives my words and opinions far too much power.
I explained it in a way that left her happy to hear that it was all good…..
And she followed it up with a few light texts in the morning before work.

I have to be patient….as I only see this as a good thing….even if it’s only about being friends….I am going to be the best damn friend I can be!
But I’m not going to pretend not to want more….and eventually and periodically ask for it, and want to talk about it

[whitneypinch]

JJAC2005,

My XW and I did a few things together in the first year and a half after BD.
We also spoke more back then.
It was her way of trying to just keep the piece and have everything run smoothly.
I only say this for you to be aware.

There are some positives in your situation but TRY to keep expectations at ZERO and not mind read.

Just keep doing what works ....

[JJAC2005]

Have you done any DB coaching ?
Have you tried doing some family things together...like holidays or activities?
What other books have you read?
The other book that helped me was give to me by my brother after he saw a marriage work shop thru his church..."I do again" by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs
A good read as well as some great point on marital roles.

[whitneypinch]

Yep, early on I did a bunch of DB coaching. I also went to therapy for a year.

Early on it was too painful to do things together with the kids.
The truth is now would be the ideal time to do stuff together as a family or just her and I. Unfortunately she is with someone else. I have asked her out for a walk recently but she said "she can't, and I should not ask".

I have read about 20 books on marriage, divorce, relationships, love, communications etc.
I am very familiar with the Scruggs story. Its heartbreaking and inspirational, especially what happened to their daughter.

So, as you can see, I have done it all.
Even my XW has comment on what an awesome father and person I am......
So, what can ya do..

I just continue to grow as a person and be kind and appreciative.

[JJAC2005]

Whit....
Thanks for keeping me grounded on "expectations" as I try to keep them at zero.
The positives are evident but honestly, since there isn't really any tie between us like children together, one has to realize that there is more to how she views things and what she finds valuable enough to want to still have a available in her life.
I can see that is where "hope" lives.....and striving to become the kind of man only a fool walks away from