Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

And as AnotherStander pointed out, she seems to be opening up to me somewhat (which is great!), yet I feel the need to create some post-D boundaries. Maybe - right now - setting the boundaries is more important than her opening up to me. But I hate to swing and miss on a fastball dead center over the plate.

Any thoughts?

-PM

[uRworthy]

Hey PM, oh you boys with your baseball jargon. LOL! Though I love sports so I get it.

What kind of boundaries are you talking about specifically?

Might help to hash it out here first.

[makingmagic]

WOW WOW WOW PM... things are sounding really really good here!! Keep up your work and continue what you have and have not been doing.

I am taking notes !!!



wfm

[PatientMan]

Hey PM, oh you boys with your baseball jargon. LOL! Though I love sports so I get it.

What kind of boundaries are you talking about specifically?

Might help to hash it out here first.

Boundaries for things, especially physical things like massaging backs and cuddling. Those aren't things that "friends" do (even though WE did those things when we were just "friends").

If I don't set up those boundaries we are leaving ourselves open to being hurt in the future because as soon as someone else comes into the picture for either one of us, those types of things aren't "okay".

I never ask for these types of contact...I've been letting her initiate anything and everything. But I think, since we're divorced, that those types of boundaries should be set.

The flip side is, if she is reaching out and wanting those types of things, should I be discouraging/rejecting those requests?

The flip side to that flip side is what sandi2 preaches - though she hasn't commented to me specifically in a while - that the WAW needs to FEEL and experience what she is losing. The contact I am talking about could very well be cake eating on her part, and when any OM enters the picture, my cake is no longer on the menu. I don't want to be that kind of cake.

-PM

[PatientMan]

WOW WOW WOW PM... things are sounding really really good here!! Keep up your work and continue what you have and have not been doing.

I am taking notes !!!



wfm

I'm confused. My divorce was finalized last week...

[PatientMan]

I was in the bathroom yesterday brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, and for the first time I looked myself right in the eyes (in the mirror) and just out of nowhere said to myself, "she divorced you. Things were so bad that she can't/couldn't even work on it...she DIVORCED YOU."

There are so many examples of couples who have done some of the most unforgivable things and suffered though some of the most terrible treatment, yet were able to reconcile. And I'm divorced. One of the questions the judge asked was, "There is no chance for reconciliation in this marriage?" "No."

I still don't think I've fully accepted the reality of it. I took my ring off for the first time last week - sitting in my car in the parking lot right after the judge declared us legally divorced. That was something I had figured out about myself: that me wearing my ring - regardless of her wearing hers or how she treats our marriage - represented ME and what *I* stood for. And I was wearing my ring until the divorce was final because of what it said about me. (My ring finger still feels naked, but I haven't put the ring back on even just to maybe feel better...more comfortable.)

I spoke with my couple of confidants lately and am still pondering my decision. A lot of good information from reliable and caring sources. I think I know what I am going to do, it's just a tough row to hoe.

W is still lonely and reaching out for whatever reason. I feel empathy for her and how lost and helpless she feels - I've been there. I respect her decisions, though I don't like them. I know she is struggling with them mightily.

I have the urge to look her dead in the eyes and just very calmly tell her, "I was soooo in love with you. Sooooo...ferociously in love with you...there just have never been words that can describe what I felt for you." And then just leave.

Probably a bad idea, but I honestly don't think it would go over that poorly. Even if it does, what's she going to do?

-PM

[hotwheelsaust]

I was in the bathroom yesterday brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, and for the first time I looked myself right in the eyes (in the mirror) and just out of nowhere said to myself, "she divorced you. Things were so bad that she can't/couldn't even work on it...she DIVORCED YOU."

There are so many examples of couples who have done some of the most unforgivable things and suffered though some of the most terrible treatment, yet were able to reconcile. And I'm divorced.
-PM

PM, I so understanding of what you said. I feel exactly the same way and I haven't yet reached the divorce point. I hate listening to the couple next door yell and scream at each other daily, hearing about issues in the media that couples go through and even my own SIL whose husband hit her and spat on her. But my W, doesn't want to or can't see any hope in a husband who is prepared to change and has changed for the love of his life.

[PatientMan]

Well, she had been playful lately, seeing if I would react. Today she put on the full court press making her "advances" on me. I said several times that I needed to go, albeit half heatedly. Things kept progressing and I finally had to get up to exit the area so I went to run some errands.

She apologized numerous times after I left: text, phone call, and in person when I got back. I just kept telling her not to worry about it.

Don't get me wrong. I LIKE to feel wanted and desired and needed, but I just don't know what she's thinking. She started a relationship with another man, (after that was admitted)told me she wanted to work on things, but needed space, convinced me to move out, started things back up with OM, strung me AND the kids along for a year and a half, then divorced me last week.

And she wants to snuggle and cuddle and ML? I don't get it.

But I will not be relationship filler. I am not a backup option. And much as I enjoy the physical contact and intimacy (physical contact being one of my LLs), I have to draw the line and stick to it. I hate to see her reaching out and rejecting her, but I don't see another way.

-PM

[PatientMan]

Down today. I'm stuck dwelling in my disasters instead of counting my blessings. It's like a scale where everything (reality) is always there, it's just that some days one side of the scale outweighs the other. It's probably just a function of the boundary I set yesterday, but I'm just down.

I'm swamped at work. I have a difficult final exam this evening. The kids and I miss each other terribly. W is having a tough time. I feel tired all the time and am having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. I'm struggling with a PMA, though I'm doing an okay job of acting "as if" around the family.

-PM

[jp787]

I have the urge to look her dead in the eyes and just very calmly tell her, "I was soooo in love with you. Sooooo...ferociously in love with you...there just have never been words that can describe what I felt for you." And then just leave.

Hi PM.

Thanks so much for posting to my thread, I know I am a difficult one

So what you posted ^^^, yeah I can see that as something I would do/say and I now know the motive behind it.

Do you?

Down today. I'm stuck dwelling in my disasters instead of counting my blessings. It's like a scale where everything (reality) is always there, it's just that some days one side of the scale outweighs the other. It's probably just a function of the boundary I set yesterday, but I'm just down.

I'm swamped at work. I have a difficult final exam this evening. The kids and I miss each other terribly. W is having a tough time. I feel tired all the time and am having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. I'm struggling with a PMA, though I'm doing an okay job of acting "as if" around the family.

-PM

I feel for you PM. With W reaching out must make it seem like nothing makes sense. I think you are on the right track with setting boundaries up. Wish I could offer more help.