My WAW story

[stilllookingup]

Well what did you do to celebrate her birthday in the past?

[JRG]

Well what did you do to celebrate her birthday in the past?

Usually took her to dinner. Sometimes got her a card.

[stilllookingup]

Never gifts or flowers?

[JRG]

Never gifts or flowers?

Both of us got out of the habit of buying gifts for bdays and other holidays. Not sure how that happened, but it was probably me that stopped it first and then she probably followed soon after.

[JRG]

Let's assume for a moment that she IS having an affair. Why would she have started that? Could it be the below?

Probably, yes. She probably wasn't getting enough of it from me. I just didn't know it was that bad. I knew that I could do better but it was easy for me to choose not to because she rarely "complained" about it. Yes, I take responsibility for it. I should have corrected it.

She's been unhappy for SIX YEARS!!! You've been ignoring her in the M in every way possible. Could it be possible that she was looking for what was ABSENT in the marriage? Someone that would show her love, attention and affection? Here's the deal with affairs, they are almost always a symptom of problems in the M, not the cause. The cause was your coldness, detachment and inattention. The effect of that is the affair.

I disagree that I've ignored her in every possible way. We hugged every day, we had small talk every day, we did things on the weekends (not every weekend but quite a bit), watched TV together, went out together, went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together. Was it enough? Obviously not. And I knew it to some degree, just not to the degree that she felt. I was simply being stubborn I guess.

I'm always surprised when people say an affair is a total deal-killer to them, because they've in essence been having their own affair for years beforehand. Perhaps their affair partner was work, or a classic car, or golfing, etc. They were doing something OTHER than being involved in their marriage. But when the tables are turned, suddenly it's a deal-killer. I really don't get that.

I've never thought about affairs that way. You could say my affair was with my hobbies. However I still think an affair with another person is more serious. I don't know why as they both detract from the M, but the "classical" affair is typically not acceptable by society.

That's pretty bad. I'm not sensing any remorse or guilt from you though, what do you think about your W saying there was so little love in your M that her love tank is "totally destroyed"? Do you have any sympathy for her feeling that way? Do you have any guilt over your contributions to her feeling this way?

I do have regret, remorse, and guilt. I'm actually a very sensitive and emotional person. It killed me when she said those words. It hurt bad knowing that I hurt her so badly. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Before she left I saw a photo on her camera that she took of herself (she did self portraits a lot). The pain and sadness in her eyes broke my heart. OK, now the tears are hitting my keyboard.

You were cold and distant in the M, so this will just look to her like "more of the same" behavior. You don't want to shower her with gifts either, but I think you should do something thoughtful as a 180.

All I know to do is send a simple text telling her Happy Birthday. I'm not sure how far to go past that.

Thanks for the comments AS. They hurt but I needed it.

[JRG]

Do you think she never ever wanted to have a family or do you think she would have wanted to start a family if she was happy in the marriage?

This question REALLY woke me up. Woke me up to what COULD have been. About 1-2 years after we got married she did mention the possibility starting a family. I even caught her looking at names online one day. She said that she'd be ready in a year.

So what happened in that year's time? I don't really know. She did start getting into her photography more. She started scrapbooking too. I can't remember if I did anything that would have changed her mind. Maybe that's when I slowly started to "settle" into our M and stopped giving her what she needed...I'm not sure. Ultimately I surmised that deep down she figured out that a family wasn't for her and that the idea of having our own family was simply because I wanted one. WOW...if that's true then she loved me more than I can imagine. Maybe I never loved her as much as she loved me?? Maybe I'm not capable of that much love???

[stilllookingup]

I disagree that I've ignored her in every possible way. We hugged every day, we had small talk every day, we did things on the weekends (not every weekend but quite a bit), watched TV together, went out together, went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together. Was it enough? Obviously not. And I knew it to some degree, just not to the degree that she felt. I was simply being stubborn I guess.

I cooked every weekday night after coming home from full-time work. I made sure he had 2 celebration for his birthday because his bd falls on a major American holiday. I built a great relationship with his family and his best friends. I encouraged and stayed with him while he was unemployed nearly 3 years and never thought about leaving him. Was it enough? Apparently not.

You see, it does not matter as long as you don't speak her love language. Just like your w, my H never really expressed to me that he was really unhappy until big BD. Do you know what he said in the first BD email? "I regret all these years I couldn't communicate with you how I felt" It crashed me big time when I read it. Have you read 5 languages of love yet?

So it sounds like your W too had trouble opening up to you. And you'd have to wonder why. All these years I thought I made him so comfortable he could tell me anything. Boy was I wrong. Everyone knew I was the moody one. Everyone knew I wore pants in this m. What I didn't know until BD was he was not ok with being the quiet, laid-back one. All these years I thought he wanted to be that guy because he rarely complained.

This question REALLY woke me up. Woke me up to what COULD have been. About 1-2 years after we got married she did mention the possibility starting a family. I even caught her looking at names online one day. She said that she'd be ready in a year.

So what happened in that year's time? I don't really know. She did start getting into her photography more. She started scrapbooking too. I can't remember if I did anything that would have changed her mind. Maybe that's when I slowly started to "settle" into our M and stopped giving her what she needed...I'm not sure. Ultimately I surmised that deep down she figured out that a family wasn't for her and that the idea of having our own family was simply because I wanted one. WOW...if that's true then she loved me more than I can imagine. Maybe I never loved her as much as she loved me?? Maybe I'm not capable of that much love???

I asked that because I really believe my H was just like that.
Sigh.. ugh it's so painful to talk about it. For a longest time he was not ready to have kids and I wasn't really rushing either because we got married when we were both 30-ish and we were on a long distance for so long I wanted to enjoy being the two of us first. When I was ready, he lost his job and didn't have a job for nearly 3 years. He finally got a stressful but rewarding and promising job and I could tell he was finally ready. He would even talk about babies and kids. We finally started trying and you know what we found out? We both had conditions that made it difficult to conceive naturally. oh I was crashed. I waited all these years and now this? I had surgery right away to take care of my problem. But even after the surgery Dr recommended that we'd go ahead and do IVF. I was rushed big time because of my condition and age. To make a long story short, all the medication made me even crazier and irritated I blew up at something about him one day in the midst of IVF medications. And something snapped inside of him and said "I don't want to be a dad"

He felt unloved. He felt so used. He thought I just wanted to hurry up and have a baby. He felt I would do anything I want and not think about his happiness. And what hurts is that I don't think he was totally off. I felt all these years he is the man in this relationship. I left my country, family and friends to start a life with him in U.S. I felt he NEEDED to make me happy no matter what. The only thing he was wrong about it is that I never just wanted to have a baby. I've always wanted to have a family with him. We have a successful frozen embryo and our consent says we'll let the clinic to transfer them to me in case of D, but I'm willing to donate them instead of transferring to me in case of D.

So I believe your W actually wanted to have a family with you in the first 2 years. I don't know what you did in your m but when she started feeling she was unloved, she probably threw the idea out the door.

This is your chance to be the person your w wanted but couldn't have.

[stilllookingup]

Hey,

So did you do anything for her bd or decided to not do anything?

[JRG]

Hey,

So did you do anything for her bd or decided to not do anything?

I sent her a simple text "Happy Birthday W. I hope you have a good one". To which she responded "Thanks! Headed to Indiana". I took this as she was on her way to visit with her family.

[JRG]

I need some encouragement. The past couple of weeks have been hard, not exactly sure why, but maybe because the W hasn't initiated any contact for a while. I know I need to detach, it's just so hard.

My brain tells me that eventually I'll start feeling better, but I'm just not feeling it. I'm not seeing the "light". I actually felt a little better a month ago compared to now.

I'm thinking about anti-depressants but I've never been on them and I'm concerned about going on them. I'm able to function in general but I'm lacking motivation and I'm just so sick of feeling down! Anybody else start anti-D's for the first time?