Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I mostly listened and have been really good at STFU-ing. (And I've been practicing validating on my unsuspecting daughters. )

She kept saying things like how her emotions are all over the place and she's afraid to tell me how she's feeling because she doesn't want to pull me in different directions. How that isn't fair and how *I* need a fair chance at healing too. How *I* should be able to be okay and she shouldn't interfere with that.

So I asked her how that is working out for her (rhetorically, because she was in tears).

I did tell her that I'm doing "fine" and "okay" and even that I am "well." I told her that she didn't need to worry about me...that I am a big boy and can take care of myself, and if she has something that she would like to say, she can tell me. I can handle it.

I did tell her that I wanted to help her, but that she continues to tell me that my help isn't wanted (via her quest for independence), so I don't. I told her it isn't easy for me, but I stand by out of respect for her.

At times I feel like she is looking at me to save her, and if I could just come up with the perfect combination of words to say everything would be magically fixed. But of course that is a bunch of gobble-dee-goop. You're right, Spartan, she'll let me know if she truly wants to R. But that look in her eye...whew.

And you were right about the pedestal. I don't know when exactly it happened, but it isn't nearly so high.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I meant to add that I asked her to stop trying to predict what I'm going to think if she tells me something (since she is so worried about how I'm going to react to whatever signal she thinks she is sending). I asked that she just be honest with me and herself and and said she is free to tell me if she has something on her mind.

-PM

[AnotherStander]

PM, I just had my birthday a couple of days ago too, so happy birthday to us

You are doing a fantastic job. Your W isn't sure of what she wants and she's doing a lot of reaching out, it takes a ton of discipline to hold back and keep giving time and space, but it's what you've been doing and it is the right thing to do. She's got to work through this on her own.

Also your W is communicating pretty well with you, it's unusual for a WAS to share so much about what's going on internally. I often talk about how the WAS may seem calm, cool and collected on the outside but inside is going through a lot of turmoil over their decision to break up the family, and that is exactly what your W is expressing to you. I think you should pat yourself on the back for this, I think the reason she is so willing to share her inner thoughts is because you've done so well at listening and validating. You've made her feel confortable that she can tell you these things without being judged.

You're doing a great job of keeping the way home paved and smooth, just keep doing what you're doing!

[Tryin2figuritout]

PM - Happy Belated BD to you and mine's later this month!!

My W had begun going through the same type of things your W is doing. I held back where necessary and opened up where I felt I could (mainly on my own personal journey and steps I had taken to process all this). It is so hard to hold, but you have to.

In our recent situation change, I was shocked to find out that the W thought my positive mental attitude was all because we were splitting up and moving on, but that came out in therapy about two weeks before her coming to her change. She had been floored about my happiness and just assumed that and I hadn't stated that I was still wanting back together by keeping mum on the topic and doing my thing.

If R is where y'all are headed, she's going to have to reach that decision (to try) on her own so you have to continue to be patient like you say all the time. You're handling this like a champ and I wish you the best.

Later,
Trying

[PatientMan]

Thank you for the support and the reinforcement that it appears I am taking the right/best steps. It's difficult, no doubt.

Some more compliments from XW yesterday evening during my class (via text).

W: I appreciate all you're doing.
Me: Sure thing!
Me: But what am I doing?
W: Working hard
W: Busy all the time
W: Being a great dad
W: Being my friend
W: Being helpful
W: With me and all my Shiz
Me: You're welcome, but think nothing of it.
W: I think lots of it

I'm not reading into it, just noting. I mean, I CAN try and read into it, but I don't think it's productive.

-PM

[Tryin2figuritout]

Good stuff....let her think lots of it and let her think about it all the time while you are enjoying your girls and GAL. Don't think too much into it and continue to improve yourself.

[AnotherStander]

Me: You're welcome, but think nothing of it.

What she said is a BIG deal! Don't make light of it! "W, I really appreciate your comments, it's taken a lot of hard work to get to this point and it's good to hear you acknowledge it!"

You're right not to read anything into it though. Celebrate it internally as a nice baby step and keep DB'ing externally

[PatientMan]

Me: You're welcome, but think nothing of it.

What she said is a BIG deal! Don't make light of it! "W, I really appreciate your comments, it's taken a lot of hard work to get to this point and it's good to hear you acknowledge it!"

I wasn't so much making light of it...more intimating that it's just normal behavior for me. All that stuff? THAT'S ME! And "ME" isn't going to stop because we're D'd. Why? Because that's ME! Not some hidden me with an agenda.

But you're probably right. I should have said I appreciated her noticing. Thanks for the advice and it has been stored in my memory bank.

I'm learning as I go.

-PM

[ALF213]

I mostly listened and have been really good at STFU-ing. (And I've been practicing validating on my unsuspecting daughters. )

I started doing the same without even realizing it! My D9 seems to like it. She is a gentle soul.

I continue to read your sitch for inspiration, especially when it comes to patience. Thanks for stopping by my sitch as well.

[PatientMan]

Thanks ALF.

Weird emotions lately. General confusion, but sticking with my plan.

Met an old friend for lunch today. It was nice to finally catch up with him. He seemed very much FOR me moving back into the family's old place in the old neighborhood. He also seemed quite perplexed at the dynamic of the relationship between me and XW (seems to be the norm for people I explain things to).

I have myself about 90% figured out, but there's this missing piece that I haven't decided on yet... what I am supposed to do and allow with regards to my heart. The variables in this decision making process are somewhat contradictory.

I feel like I'm DB'ing well (even though it's post-D). W is definitely on a much lower pedestal. This is a whole new world to me. Confused and lonely, but generally and outwardly doing well.

-PM (on mobile)