Snodderly, I replied to you regarding support programs in PONs thread. I think the questions need to apply more specifically. I am ready to do the work !! I want to work on myself!!!
As for the MLC link, I did read it... not alot of that applies to h. Although, alot of "other" MLC script is pretty similar.
I understand he is on his OWN journey and right now, that doesn't include me in the equation except for work. I understand that there is no magic pill that is going to cure him over night. AS MUCH AS I WANT THERE TO BE!!
He's not going to snap out of it just because I've been nice or given him space (however, I thought that this helps the process for the MLC/WAS).
I suggest that you read up on MLC because it sounds to me, from your postings, you don't have a true clue as to what it is.... oh I have read ALOT and have alot of compassion for him and others. I used to be disgusted when I would see an older man in his flashy red convertible, dressed to the nines. I used to think they were pathetic. Now, luckily my h isn't THAT guy. But, his MLC is real. Feels life is short and that there has got to be more out there for him. He is seeking happiness. He thought/thinks that money was going to provide happiness. Just today he realized he may need to spend some of it (as just having it in an account, wasn't making him happy).
As the LBS, I fail to understand and get confused in the goal and what my part is in this. I am trying to focus on me (hard to do, when I am so used to focusing on him). I understand this is his journey to take and he will figure out HIS part. But, I don't understand what else I can be doing to help (from the distance). I need to put the mentality in my head and stick to it. What person do I need to be to make this better for him? Am I supposed to be his friend? Do I stay dim. How can I be friendly and dim? As a friend to my friends, I am involved. Does keeping the lighthouse on/pathway smooth work? Is the goal to let him feel like I am the only one who fully understands him and is still by his side? or am I to have disappeared far enough to let him figure it all out. Please help me understand how to be for him, for my head. (does this make sense?).
.....Please don't just say, NVM about him....work on me! I get that part. I need to put a mantra in my head that when I am around him, I can understand how I need to be.
Working with him seems to ease his desire of time spent with me... just like I worried about. I am really trying to be pretty strict with my business mode and not discuss "personal"...however, he does bring up personal convo during "work" time... trying to be social.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
You're still trying to make sense of things that you have no control over and it's killing you. Unless you're the person actually in MLC or whatever, you're not going to get any answers that are going to satisfy you. That's why you need to concentrate on yourself.
MLC IS NOT a disease. There are no concrete behaviors that everyone going through it suffers. Some get an A, some buy a sports car, some totally change their profession and not all of them leave their spouses.
There is no magic bullet. You really need to stop asking "why" because you're never going to get a perfect answer. Many people going through MLC (especially those who don't get C), NEVER understand why. They think (for some reason) that life is beyond their control and that THEY were controlled by everything around them. It comes down to personal responsibility and having strength in yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I really wish there was a MLC understanding group. Maybe that would be better than the co-d group I am attending!!
Is there such a thing?
Bond, I am trying... trying hard to concentrate on myself (its just not like me to focus on me)... I am trying.
AS a LBS of a MLC/WAS, I just want to understand how not to enable this further. Or not to drag it out further. Ways not to make it worse. Just like if I was married to an alcholic, I would want to know how to detach and how not to enable the alcoholic. This kind of information, I feel would benefit and make the journey possibly shorter, but definately more bearable.
It does not matter WHY this is happening, just that it IS. I know this is HIS problem. I do. I empathize for him. It must be hard/confusing... and he is losing his family over it. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
OH... and if I were in his shoes, I would want him to "stand" for our relationship. I would want him to be informed how to stand and how to treat me during this time.
Thats all I want to know.
Thanks,wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
just my opinion, wfm. You say not a lot of the MLC depression signs apply to your H. Based on your descriptions of his behaviour since being here, I've counted at least 15 or 50% of the signs.
Is he MLC? I think so. But that's my opinion. What I can say is, when you focus on yourself, what you do is working. When you focus on him, it's not working. Whether he's MLC or not, if you feel he might not fit well into the MLC depression signs list (which isn't a definitive list, of course), the work is the same...
When you work and focus on yourself, it works for you. And he shows signs of responding. When you focus on him, it doesn't work for you, and his response is withdrawal. These patterns are very apparent.
Working with him seems to ease his desire of time spent with me... just like I worried about. I am really trying to be pretty strict with my business mode and not discuss "personal"...however, he does bring up personal convo during "work" time... trying to be social.
You seem to think the above is a bad thing.
It isn't and it's quite normal for the MLCer to try to remain connected and use what ever means they can to get what they need.
You can certainly go ahead and refuse his need.
You worry that he's going to go have an A. He is less likely to seek it if he's getting what he needs in that respect, from you. No matter how much you don't like that you aren't getting your needs met, right now, you are setting the ground work for possibly saving your R and having your needs met in the future.
"I REALLY WISH" there was a MLC understanding group. Maybe that would be better than the co-d group I am attending!!
"I JUST WANT" to understand how not to enable this further." "I WOULD WANT" to know how to detach and how not to enable the alcoholic. This kind of information, "I FEEL" would benefit and make the journey possibly shorter, but definately more bearable.
"OH... and if I were in his shoes, "I WOULD WANT" him to "stand" for our relationship. "I WOULD WANT" him to be informed how to stand and how to treat me during this time."
Do you see how you made the whole thing about what YOU want? You're not him. Period. You can study all you want about MLC. Bottom line is that it doesn't matter what you do. When are you going to start understanding that? You have a problem with control.
Thats all I want to know."
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You worry that he's going to go have an A. He is less likely to seek it if he's getting what he needs in that respect, from you. No matter how much you don't like that you aren't getting your needs met, right now, you are setting the ground work for possibly saving your R and having your needs met in the future.
This is my plan. I work on maintaining our connection and building on it. I don't want OM filling W's emotional needs.
When she is receptive, I engage. If she is cool, I give her space.
Oh, and welcome to the (best) MLC support group!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
