Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[7720]

Hello AS! I have been following your sitch for about a almost a year now..I know that no matter how much we detach there is always going to be a bit of a sting there, but if anyone has gone into this with gusto it has been you..Am sorry to hear that W has turned recently but as you know they will be back and forth up and down many times...glade to see s10 is still doing well.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks 7720

but as you know they will be back and forth up and down many times...

That's very true, it's been a tough lesson for me to learn. I've overreacted in the past in both directions to W's swings. When she swung up I tried to rush her into reconciliation and when she swung down I saw it as the end of the M. Accuray posted this a while back:

Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.

It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.

I try to keep this in mind now and not overreact to W's swings. This latest swing down has me wondering is she's emotionally distancing to prepare herself for filing the D papers (she said she would file when school lets out, and that's this week), but of course that's just a bunch of mind-reading. So I just keep on keepin' on

[newman7977]

The kids and I are going to Arkansas (the Ozarks) for vacation next week. This has been a family tradition for over 10 years. After W moved out, the Arkansas vacations were one of the things the kids asked about, and I told them the tradition would live on no matter what I'm sure there will be some sadness over W not being there, but we won't be sitting around much. We spend the time hiking, kayaking and caving

^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.

Hey AS nice job on that early bday gift do it for you no sense of having someone make you happy and wait on someone get you something. I did splurge on my bday as well. Yes I remember we are the special ones who got the bomb on our bdays.

Keep on keepin on AS, you sound at peace bud!

Newman

[ALF213]

AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.

Hang in there. Like you said, you have seen/read sitches come back from this same spot.

I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.

[7720]

The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...

[AnotherStander]

It's now been a year since BD. Reflecting back on the past year it's been a wild and crazy journey I came to these forums broken down and in a place where I thought I had to get my W back or just give up and die. In the months since then I've learned just how far off the path I had gone during my marriage. I lost the strong, independent person I once was and became a shell of my old self, a shell that needed to be filled with validation from my W. As that validation came less and less in recent years I became increasingly confused about who I was and what I wanted from life. It took many months post- BD, but I was able to reconnect with the old me. I found purpose outside of W, I found joy outside of M, I found validation from within. So here I am a year later- physically and mentally stronger than I've been in many years, fiercely independent, taking on life with gusto, not just surviving but truly enjoying life I won't say I'm glad I went through BD, I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone. But I do acknowledge that it triggered growth in me that I wouldn't have thought possible a year ago. A great quote from Walt Disney on adversity:

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!

This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!

Otherwise things are still best described as "neutral" between us, we don't see a lot of each other but when we do we get along well. I mentioned before that W had said she was going to proceed with filing for D when the kids got out of school, there's no update on that, she hasn't mentioned anything about it (the kids got out of school a couple of weeks ago).

^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.

Thanks Newman! Well we left last Wednesday and got back on Sunday. It was an absolute blast, it was the most fun I've had on a vacation in quite some time! I did miss having W there, but the kids and I really bonded on this trip. We went hiking, we went through some caves, we kayaked, we zip-lined and we played games every evening. And we slept really well too, LOL! We were worn out by the end of each day, we kept busy! We had never zip-lined before, that was wild! The zip-line was 1/2 mile long. The guys said we were going 50-60 mph at the bottom of it, and it felt like it! It was about 200' above the ground, so it felt very much like flying. They offer rock-climbing too, so we are already talking about doing that next time we go.

AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.

You're welcome! It's been a helpful quote for me as well, as have several others from these forums (the castle analogy is another favorite). When I read a particularly interesting quote by someone I copy it and paste it into a document on my computer. Every once in a while I read that document for inspiration.

I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.

I've never tried fishing there, I need to do that some time. I've been fly fishing around here in TX before and really enjoyed it!

The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...

We were further west, we kayak from Gilbert if you know where that is. It's the lower part of the Buffalo so not as challenging, I'd like to try kayaking the upper some time but S10 is a bit young and all the kids a bit inexperienced for it. The lower is still really scenic though

[stilllookingup]

Oh man it wells me up. I remember when I first landed this forum I started reading everyone's threads and came across yours. I think it was just before your Retro and I was thinking wow he and his wife came a long way. Then Retro and W got confused again .. and you seemed you were done and a lot of people (including me!) kind of started attacking you "Are you sure you are done? She's still confused!" .... I see why a lot of DBers worship you. Everyone on this board trying to be a spouse only a fool leave, well I think you already are the spouse;)

My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!

This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!

Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't your LL gift giving and wasn't the cause of a big fight leading up to BD was something to do with it? If so this gesture must have been a very unexpected wonderful surprise for you! Made-to-order mugs and a special cookie? I'd call those very thoughtful gifts!!!

Happy belated birthday!

[BC39]

I always look forward to your posts. SO glad your doing well. If you could send some of your strength through the computer I would gladly take it

[PatientMan]

It's now been a year since BD. Reflecting back on the past year it's been a wild and crazy journey I came to these forums broken down and in a place where I thought I had to get my W back or just give up and die. In the months since then I've learned just how far off the path I had gone during my marriage. I lost the strong, independent person I once was and became a shell of my old self, a shell that needed to be filled with validation from my W. As that validation came less and less in recent years I became increasingly confused about who I was and what I wanted from life. It took many months post- BD, but I was able to reconnect with the old me. I found purpose outside of W, I found joy outside of M, I found validation from within. So here I am a year later- physically and mentally stronger than I've been in many years, fiercely independent, taking on life with gusto, not just surviving but truly enjoying life I won't say I'm glad I went through BD, I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone. But I do acknowledge that it triggered growth in me that I wouldn't have thought possible a year ago. A great quote from Walt Disney on adversity:

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!

This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!

Otherwise things are still best described as "neutral" between us, we don't see a lot of each other but when we do we get along well. I mentioned before that W had said she was going to proceed with filing for D when the kids got out of school, there's no update on that, she hasn't mentioned anything about it (the kids got out of school a couple of weeks ago).

^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.

Thanks Newman! Well we left last Wednesday and got back on Sunday. It was an absolute blast, it was the most fun I've had on a vacation in quite some time! I did miss having W there, but the kids and I really bonded on this trip. We went hiking, we went through some caves, we kayaked, we zip-lined and we played games every evening. And we slept really well too, LOL! We were worn out by the end of each day, we kept busy! We had never zip-lined before, that was wild! The zip-line was 1/2 mile long. The guys said we were going 50-60 mph at the bottom of it, and it felt like it! It was about 200' above the ground, so it felt very much like flying. They offer rock-climbing too, so we are already talking about doing that next time we go.

AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.

You're welcome! It's been a helpful quote for me as well, as have several others from these forums (the castle analogy is another favorite). When I read a particularly interesting quote by someone I copy it and paste it into a document on my computer. Every once in a while I read that document for inspiration.

I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.

I've never tried fishing there, I need to do that some time. I've been fly fishing around here in TX before and really enjoyed it!

The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...

We were further west, we kayak from Gilbert if you know where that is. It's the lower part of the Buffalo so not as challenging, I'd like to try kayaking the upper some time but S10 is a bit young and all the kids a bit inexperienced for it. The lower is still really scenic though

AS,

I hope you are doing well. Your posts - like this one - give me hope in a new kind of way. Thanks for all your help.

-PM

[AnotherStander]

Well it's been a couple of weeks since the last post, W has still not pushed forward with D. We're still getting along fine when we see each other which is usually just once or twice a week. When we talk it's just "friendly neighbor" kind of stuff.

The biggest news I have is we added a new member to the family, a little 1 pound 2 ounce puppy I'm still reeling from it, can't figure out how my kids talked me into it, LOL! It's kind of a long story, but I took S10, D16 and two of her friends to this monthly giant market and W ended up taking D18 and one of her friends separately. After saying "no" to the kids several times they finally managed to find a puppy I had trouble saying "no" to. I called W and she had just gotten there, so we met up to discuss the pup and so she and D18 could see it. Turns out suspected OM was with them, so there was an odd "oh you're here!" kind of moment when we met up. BTW, I still don't know what's up with S-OM, I don't push for info from W or the kids so I have no idea if there's something going on or if they really are just friends as W claimed in the past. Anyway, the kids said they would take care of the pup during it's training period, but since they're at W's house every other week I wanted to make sure she was OK with it. She gave the go-ahead so we went home with the little guy. He's a long-haired mini doxy like our other one. He's heavily dappled and has blue eyes and is totally adorable! Our other one is also a long-haired mini and they've been getting along well so far

I think it was just before your Retro and I was thinking wow he and his wife came a long way. Then Retro and W got confused again .. and you seemed you were done and a lot of people (including me!) kind of started attacking you "Are you sure you are done? She's still confused!"

Yeah, I think I was even more confused than she was, but it took me a while to figure that out. Looking back I can see I was being too pushy with her, when she opened the door a crack to reconciling I just wanted to kick the thing in or maybe blast it open with 10 pounds of plastic explosives, LOL! I overreacted and it just shut her down again. Lesson learned! Not sure there will ever be another opportunity but if there is I will let her drive the pace.

I see why a lot of DBers worship you. Everyone on this board trying to be a spouse only a fool leave, well I think you already are the spouse

I really appreciate that But the more I DB the more I realize how much of a work-in-progress I really am

Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't your LL gift giving and wasn't the cause of a big fight leading up to BD was something to do with it?

Good memory! Yeah, I always placed a high importance on giving and receiving gifts. When W asked me what I wanted that year I told her not to worry about it, which was a dance we performed every birthday and Christmas. Me- don't get me anything, I already have everything. Her- Oh come on, there's got to be something! Me- well I don't know, let me think. Etc. Only that time she didn't dance, she really didn't get me anything!

If so this gesture must have been a very unexpected wonderful surprise for you! Made-to-order mugs and a special cookie? I'd call those very thoughtful gifts!!!

Exactly, it was a very nice and totally unexpected gesture. I'm not assuming it means anything, but it was really kind of her!

I always look forward to your posts. SO glad your doing well. If you could send some of your strength through the computer I would gladly take it

Thank you, I do pray for you and others here for whatever that's worth I figure even if some aren't believers then maybe they'll still get some good karma out of it

AS,

I hope you are doing well. Your posts - like this one - give me hope in a new kind of way. Thanks for all your help.

-PM

Thank you, I still hope reconciliation is in the future, but if it isn't I think I've found a place where I can be at peace with my sitch and with my W no matter what happens. It wasn't that long ago that I wouldn't have thought it possible!