Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

As to the All of the things that I would like to see happen I need to finish putting into place all of the 180s that were so important as well as committing to the practices that are solid enough to want a second chance For reconciliation
Right noemi good with the time frame....and confident that she is still watching to see if be changes are perminate

[JJAC2005]

To really answer this I was thinking of what I wanted in the beginning of my quest and how I got to where I am right now.
This journey might never have have even taken place if it wouldn't have been for me going thru a divorce that I so desperately didn't want.
Now that I have found so many new skills, and made a lot of acknowledgements as well as adjustments on how things should have and could have been.
That pain of the death of our previous relationship needed to be buried in order for any good to come to the 2 of us....and I'm beginning to see the benefits of all the hard work...at least for me.
I do know that I still miss my wife and family every day...and I now know that they miss me as well....as well as my wife knowing everything in my heart for her and the kids.
But there is still a lot of repairs to be done...trust to be won.
So, my first and foremost goal is to regain a solid trusting friendship....and take it slow....very slow!
I could tell that with in the right circumstances our little that were still glowing, could really ignite into a very large fire...and I want to be able to control that burn (to some degree).
secondly, I would say that I would like to stay on my continued path of learning to help me commit the things I am learning to a solid habit...they have to replace any and all of my past behaviors.
3rd I need to stay on task for all of the projects and goals that I have in the works with my all of my GAL goals and things ....I have been so easily distracted from things in the past when I move to quickly with my wife.

I am remembering something I saw on someones posts....you can be right or you can be happy!
I want the Happy back!

[~ kd ~]

Looks like you've got your head on straight. Just keep your expectations at zero. If all that comes out of it is a decent friendship, so be it. It could be that does not happen or, it could be something more.

I think at this point in time, at best try to treat it like any courtship. Yes, the two of you have a history, but you can take this from a frame of getting to know her and determining if she's someone you might want to "date". Does she have characteristics that you like. That you could live with. That you wouldn't want to try to change. If you can't accept her as she is, then maybe you don't want anything more than just a friendship.

This would be the time and place to work towards that.

Keep working on yourself.

[JJAC2005]

Well, looks like things are really starting to thaw out...
The ex has agreed to allow the boy to visit me over the upcoming weekend...plus he has ball tournaments.

I had to share this
When she had originally agreed to take a drive and be alone in the car with me for a min of 3-4 hours…I was shocked….but I was also very scared and very nervous!
I arrived as I always do…somewhat fashionably late….she is sitting on the front porch finishing a beer…she goes inside to put things away and shut the door, and just as she comes back from shutting the door I am at the foot of the steps holding out a fresh cut bunch of asparagus.
I say “some men might bring you flowers” but then you know me…I’m just a little different...
And that grin couldn’t hide...
The rest of that day seemed to follow a very easy pattern of comfortable familiarity…setting both of us at ease.
I thought it was a nice way to ask to at least think about becoming a bit more friendly…and leaving it open to exploring a friendship.

After she sent me short little text granting the boy permission to visit...she sent me another note, letting me know that she really enjoyed the overcooked, smothered in butter, fresh asparagus! (her absolute fave)
Sometimes it’s not the gift itself...it’s the connection that the gift can make!

[JJAC2005]

Any other thoughts ?

[~ kd ~]

nope...




but, since I'm here...

Be happy for her that she enjoyed the asparagus. Just don't take it personally.

I enjoy eating my chocolate and then I get fat (well, that's impossible for me, for now; but lets say I DO) and I think, maybe I should exercise. But maybe... I should stop eating so many chocolates.



On a serious note, enjoy the positives. Really, don't read anything into them.

Think long and hard about what you are doing right now, regarding how you are conducting yourself, your GAL, your 180s...

and keep doing them.

They appear to be working... but make them stick. Don't start getting over board thinking things are getting much better so you can do more. Keep doing what you are doing for another week or two and see if the results remain the same.

[JJAC2005]

Hear this....my new smooth move! -NOT-

I think its called one step fwd and 2 steps back.....on another note itt might be the "dumb ass shuffle" LOL

I had been talking to my ex since Friday last week....we spent the entire day Saturday together for a long talk which wen very well (see above)...in fact I truly believe we had a very good talk….I even got a few really great hugs, and even a parting kiss on the cheek when I was leaving at the end of the night......and was given the go ahead that she would reassess us having a new friendship together.

She was nice all weekend, and even is letting me take S.S. over this up coming weekend to stay out at the farm….and take him to his baseball games.
I was even invited to go to today’s 7th grade honors assembly and afterwards we went to lunch together. She accepts, YEAH!

We flirted and bantered some, and I even let a few pet names (ie honey) slip out now and then (she even laughed last Saturday at lunch when I still refered to her as my wife to some otehr couple at the bar)….as it’s still so easy to do…and then she noticed me staring a little too long….smiling a little too big….it sort of made her uncomfortable, and she reminded me that this is just friend stuff right?

I told her that I agreed on the starting at a ground zero friends thing, however I cannot stop looking (thinking of her) at her in a very romantic way….and then after all that, I had to open my mouth and tell her how I really felt when I dropped her off after lunch.
Now I’m afraid that I may have said things to push her further away….
I don’t know why I did that…it just came out….as ”I still love you, always have always will”
And all I need is a chance to show you ….yadda yadda yadda…..
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN SO DUMB!


ok all you VET's....let me have it!

[~ kd ~]

see... what you WERE doing WAS working...

what you DID do... probably not so much.

I think you can probably anticipate a pull back from her. How big, you will find out. But for now, just drop it completely.

You know when you make that really stupid comment about how hot that chick is at the end of the bar to your buddy... just as the music drops as the dj switches the album... yah... that's what you did.

Simle, wave, back away from the nice lady and then pick yourself up with confidence and move forward the way you were.

Given enough time, she'll probably reach out again to be a little more available. Hopefully she won't do something equally dumb and change her mind on SS visit and contact.

[JJAC2005]

A friend of mine just sent me an email.....sort of exactly what I was thinking....
[You are so adorable Jim. For one thing I don't think you should worry so much. And you ARE NOT DUMB! You can't help that you still have strong feelings. If I were you I would not talk to her for a little bit (unless she approaches you first) but DON'T INITIATE ANY COMMUNICATION...and then when you get an opportunity let her know that you would rather be friends than nothing and try to keep it on the down low about your "real" feelings...no matter how hard it is. That is my feeling on all of this.]

The good news is that the boy is still coming for the weekend!

[JJAC2005]

KD....I watch and read your posted remarks regularly.
The humor hits me right between the eyes...as I know many a men have done exactly the same thing.
I know my ex....I know her smile...her looks…her laugh....her flirts....and much more than she wants to admit.
I am trying hard not to over analyze all of the interactions we have just had the past 4 days here, but hey, its obvious there are still some very strong feelings for each other here. (and I was just being honest)
But I understand that she isn’t ready to put any more trust into anything at this moment, other than starting a small and slow friendship….I am the one that needs a little more self control here.
I am confident that its still going well…ok, fairly confident…LOL