I completely understand from the DB book why we aren't supposed to let out too much information but how do you proceed if somebody really wants to know ....do you what?
M 52 W 40 D 15 (step) S 12 (step) Married 7, together almost 8 Separated 1 year before bomb from her "I love you, I'm just..." BD final 8/22/12
Dump any expectations. In fact, this request for f2f would be a red flag for me (based on my experience / my sitch).
If you are concerned she is going to get mad at you for not being able to schedule f2f around her, then I would say not enough has changed.
Is she asking you to go for coffee or is she telling you she wants to have a f2f with you? The difference might be considered (former) friendly get together / (latter) business meeting (possibly so she can tell you to your face that you are to NOT comm with step kids; even if they initiate).
Anyhow, all I would say is, do not get all excited about this f2f and think that if you cannot squeeze your schedule to fit her in, that you will destroy an opportunity to reconnect.
If she really wants to reconnect and begin a friendly R with you, then all you need to let her know is that you are extremely busy, the best time to get together would be (make one or two specific times / dates as options), and look forward to chatting.
I have been following your posts because I have been and am in the same situation as you. I never wanted my marriage to end but it did then after all my changes ( getting my MA) ex h wanted to re- marry.) We never remarried but stayed together 4 more years and moved out of our hometown to a new state together. During this transition, ex h was exfremely unhappy again and started distancing himself again with his commitment with me. I always felt that it had nothing to do with us, but with the internal childhood issues inside that caused MLC and his running behavior. My Mom passed unexpectedly, and h ran for the fouth time.I know he was grieving as I was but he was not present at her funeral or there for me. Instead he was plotting his next run and had already found a place to live when I returned. I returned back to my home state after this latest run 2 years ago. He has stayed in contact professing his love for me and sorrow for not being there.He has stated that he wished he would of been a better man to me but never faced the demons inside. He recently told me he is in a new relationship and I have went dark. I know that this relationship might be new and exciting right now but past history even before me tells me that he will run again. He knows that I love him and I think he loves me as much as he is capable of , loving. I still stand to reconcile someday but I need to GAL like crazy and figure out my new life. I had a career that I worked really hard for and I left it so I have been unemployed for over a year. I still pray that ex h figures out someday that he needs to do the painful work within in order to be whole again but I dont think he will while in a new relationship. As much as I love him and miss him, I do not want him back until he does. I have accepted that this may never happen so I need to figure out how to go on and be happy without him I have offered my forgiveness but from previous conversations with him, I think that he knows how much damage he has done and his guilt overides everything so its easier to start over then have to do the painful work with me. Kee
First off I want to thank you all for your advice….I take in a lot from other posts as well, but I was absolutely reaching out for something specifically related to my sitch. The F2F meeting was requested as a way to give me the chance at closure that I had requested back in January some 4 months after the door was closed on my relationship by my wife making the sitch a classic combination WAS/MLC Initially I was shocked at her request, and was very nervous as to what might be coming as this was all happening right after the boy asked me to come watch his baseball game. I had been blocked from the kids for some time, and the last time that the boy had reached out to me she was very upset…. I accepted her offer for the meeting….waited to see what the guidelines would be, as last time she only wanted to do a coffee thing, and be in a public place so she could leave at her leisure or not feel trapped. When she deferred, and the choice was up to me I made her an offer of a drive up to the lake and back (this is where we first started our relationship) and to my surprise she accepted….that meant it was going to be at the very least a 3 ˝ hour conversation…and she was ok with it…..and when I asked her what it was she really wanted to talk about, she basically stated that she wanted to give me the chance that I had requested before, and to hear about all the info that I wanted to share back at that time.
I admit that my practices (haven’t been the greatest) of going dark were basically limited to a once a month attempt at some email for contact….as well as struggles with patience, and learning to detach as well as I should have been doing. But, like I heard, its wasn’t that I was actually hurting my chances, but I wasn’t helping them and most certainly was prolonging the process. But as it turned out….all of the walls that she was erecting to keep me out, regain her self esteem, and move on with her new life, were in some way damaged by each and every attempt at my contact…and it angered her more and more that I still could do this to her. I was blamed for any and all of her self esteem issues, I was at fault for her loosing trust in our relationship, she felt under appreciated , undesired/unattractive ALL of this was based on my actions not my words…
I showed up with a handful/bouquet of asparagus (instead of flowers), and there was an immediate grin on her face. From that moment on I knew it wasn’t going to be an all day bitch session…The day turned out to be filled with all sorts of surprises, as I listened to her assessments, her gripes and her points of views from the day we said “I Do” to the last day we said good bye. She covered it all, and I took it…trying not to defend myself too much with explanations, or turn it around on her, like I would have done in the past….The bottom line was I was wrong for anything and everything I did that made her not feel as though she and the kids were the most important thing in my life. I will say that the day wasn’t all filled with heavy rehashing of the past…it gave me an opportunity to explain and show that I was indeed very sorry, and very changed from all that I had been learning since we had divorced. We had lunch together as if we always did, we laughed, we cut a few jokes and the few hours of that day turned out to be 10 hours together. I was glad I didn’t have any expectations…as I ended up collecting to very nice long embraces, and a peck on the cheek as we parted at the end of the night.
I’m so impressed with DB’ing….even when I’m not the best at it…the little that I had been doing seems to be yielding a softening in the heart of my ex….one can always have hope!
M 52 W 40 D 15 (step) S 12 (step) Married 7, together almost 8 Separated 1 year before bomb from her "I love you, I'm just..." BD final 8/22/12
Glad to hear it worked out well, for you. Even if DBing hasn't saved your M right now, your efforts have certainly allowed you to become the person you are and opens the door to a great future.
Maybe one day I will be comfortable being in the same room as my stbx and even sit at a banquet table with her at some future, family event, laughing and chatting like old, great friends.
Right now, I don't have any desire to do so. But... who knows what the future will bring.
Did you get the "closure" you wanted? Or did you instead get a sense of hope?
More like a sense of hope.....very evident that it wouldn't take much to rekindle the fire However there is a lot of repair work to do to regain the trust that I have lost
M 52 W 40 D 15 (step) S 12 (step) Married 7, together almost 8 Separated 1 year before bomb from her "I love you, I'm just..." BD final 8/22/12
