Try to be prepared for your feelings to fluctuate a bit, still.
That seems to be the normal way. But, gee, you sound like you've really accomplished some hard work on yourself.
I'm very impressed with your strength and personal insights.
Thanks for stopping by... I cannot stress enough how much I agree with you. I fully expect to be up/down more. I am starting to get a clearer image of who I am/was in my relationship with my W. I have faults and admit to those faults. I am working on changing me and trying to become a better person. I have much work to do ahead of me, codependency is one of those things I must work on.
I also am seeing much clearer of who I want as a spouse/ significant other in my life. I would rather be alone than to have my spouse put me down, use sex as a weapon, slap me, or generally not really care if I am here or not. I am worth so much more.
SD: today is a good day and now that I'm back i can feel the pull of my old thoughts. It is interesting how that works. I think things like major changes in thoughts and philosophy happen in stages. Some stages happen quickly while some take longer to develop. Perhaps it was the complete change in location and people that I had to talk to, that allowed some lucid thoughts to take hold. People that did not know me or my situation saying things about how much they liked hanging with me. I got to be me without thinking about my home life and recognize that I am not a troll, lol.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I think that when familiar things emerge, like places, people and things, we all have a tendency to want to fall back into patterns that are also familiar. The key is too recognize this in ourselves when it happens
Subguy, I am glad I checked the board tonight. Good to hear you had a nice trip, and now you see how a change of scenery can help you see things in a different way. Same thing happened to me when I went to CA earlier this year. I agree it's better to be alone than w someone who takes away the joy in life and who makes you feel bad about yourself.
you are no troll, no way... you are one of my favorite people here, i love to check in here and get your perspective on your journey, i can really feel your heart and it helps me.
i heard something on forgiveness from tara brach (buddhist psychology) that i wanted to share with you. she said that you can not WILL yourself to forgive but that you can have a WILLINGNESS to forgive, and that intention opens the door to forgiving.
she told a story about approaching a dog, the dog growling and realizing that the dog's leg was caught in a trap.. she said that any time someone offends us, it is bc their leg is caught in a trap.
she said the 2 trainings on anger are: 1. to be with each other and realize that just how i get afraid and lost, so do you... 2. to look at another and see their intrinsic goodness..
i think it is a process... for me, i have more moments in which i can feel that way about my W... but i am not there all the time and there are still triggers and times i feel a great deal of anger
glad you had a good trip ((((((((((((((((((((subguy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thank you KT, def. some of the old stuff brings back memories. I am refinancing my house to pay off my W and plan on waiting about a year to year and a half so I can make a good decision about keeping this house or selling. I need to take my time and make decisions that are best for me.
Originally Posted By: labug
I think you recommended How to be an Adult in a Relationship and I wanted to thank you for that! I've gotten a lot from it.
I wish i could take credit for that book, however I have not read it. I will put it on my list, thanks
Originally Posted By: labug
I hope you continue to post here, being here and reading and posting have continued to help me move forward and gain perspective.
I plan on sticking around for a bit, at some point I may be able to pay it back with advice for others on this forum.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
you are no troll, no way... you are one of my favorite people here, i love to check in here and get your perspective on your journey, i can really feel your heart and it helps me.
Wow!! I don't know what to say except thank you, that made me smile.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
i heard something on forgiveness from tara brach (buddhist psychology) that i wanted to share with you. she said that you can not WILL yourself to forgive but that you can have a WILLINGNESS to forgive, and that intention opens the door to forgiving.
she told a story about approaching a dog, the dog growling and realizing that the dog's leg was caught in a trap.. she said that any time someone offends us, it is bc their leg is caught in a trap.
she said the 2 trainings on anger are: 1. to be with each other and realize that just how i get afraid and lost, so do you... 2. to look at another and see their intrinsic goodness..
I've seen you mention her a few times and I get this analogy... I'm going to look her up, thanks.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
i think it is a process... for me, i have more moments in which i can feel that way about my W... but i am not there all the time and there are still triggers and times i feel a great deal of anger
Thats exactly how I feel. Right now my soul just hurts and I need the space and no contact for me to heal. I could handle myself while separated but, when she filed and changed her name back to her maiden name that hurt deeper than anything. I did not react like I did at BD, it just hurt.
My IC keeps telling me I'm her allstar so to speak. I am getting concepts way faster than all of he other clients and am moving pretty quickly in my recovery. ( I believe this site and y'all have been instrumental in helping me stay grounded and look at me and my interactions), I said it does not feel like it at times, her response was to stop putting pressure on myself. I always have pretty high standards for myself and really need to relax a bit on me. My IC also says the two sessions my W went, was enough for her to see the extreme communication issues that she has. She also said sure you have things to work on and improve but we all can say that. Slowly I am beginning to see the value that is me... Somewhere, somehow I let that be stolen from me... Not arrogance just a love of who I am, not a pro athlete or a famous singer, just me a good dad, a good friend and one who generally cares for others. one who could be better but is pretty good the way he is... Someone who wants to be better and is trying to be better.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Okay here is my latest bit of wtf was I thinking lol.
When I went to Alaska it was technically my W's week to have our D. She allowed me to have her during "her" time. I was thankful and offered her to have some make up time the week before and after vacation. So let me show you the conversation in my head (expectations) and what the actual conversation was.
Conversation wife= Can I have D one day this week so i can spend time with her? me= I thought she was going to spend the night with you for a couple of nights to make up, do you still want her? W= Oh ya sweet thanks. ** she was done and had made up her mind what she was doing** M= Waiting on her to let me know which nights she wants to have our D. I pass up on an afternoon ride along sailing at the local marina, because i am suppose to have my D. D= Text me "mom picked me up and I'm staying with her tonight".
A couple of things happened her. 1. I expected her to act like I would have and set up the nights in advance so their is no confusion. I waited for her to respond to me and that did not happen. I got frustrated because of the lack of communication. 2. My W acted like she usually does and made her mind up as to what she was doing and just did it, without regard to what I want or anyone else.
Now, what was my part in all this!?! I did not set an upfront contract about what I expected to happen from the beginning. We then could have discussed if this was acceptable to each other. So from now on I will start setting an upfront contract with her about what i want to happen.
Upfront contract is a term used by the Sandler sales training method where the salesman from the beginning states what he/she would like for a meeting or sales presentation to to include. This allows for expectations to be meet on both sides of the equation and for their to be little gray area as to what we expect from each other.
Obviously I cannot count on others to act as i would in every situation so i need to take charge and start setting an upfront contract. This does not mean I control everything it is after all a negotiation.
How I should have handled it.
Conversation wife= Can I have D one day this week so i can spend time with her? me= I thought she was going to spend the night with you for a couple of nights to make up, do you still want her? W= Oh ya sweet thanks. M= Okay great. I was thinking you could have her Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night and i'll pick her up on friday after work. Is that okay with you?
Sounds so simple now but during the conversation I expected her to discuss with me what she wanted and then i could have said yes or no to that. Maybe she does not want what she wants rejected so she just does without asking. I'm not sure but either way this is what I need to start doing because she will not do it and it frustrates me when it does not happen. I need to stop being a nice guy...
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Subguy, you can be nice AND have people respect you at the same time. It's all about having clear communication, and I think you have shown you know how to express what you want.
I totally see how you would be frustrated, though. I'd feel the same way.
Thank you for stopping by my new thread. Always nice to have you!
I'm sitting at a McDonalds in no where kentucky on a work trip and realize my emotions are back with a vengence, well not quite a vengence but qorae than before I went on vacation. Im thinking its a case of a weeks break from thought and now I have to settle back into my role. It gives me more opportunity to learn how to sit with my feelings and deal woth my emotions. Right now one would think i would have this down pat, infortunately sigh I have more to learn.
Figuring out my life and what I want is the next step, in this journey. Sometimes I feel like running away just like my W did, getting away from it all. I know however where ever I go, I will follow me. All my emotions will eventually catch me and I could not bear the thought of hirting my children further, yet those feelings are there. I will not yield to them, this is a fight I will win. The good thing is my emotions are no where near Bd time. I know another layer of the onion, eventually I'm gonna hate onions lol.
This to shall pass, bright days arw ahead as well as dark ones, might as well learn to deal with them now hehe.
My father is still not doing well, if he gets any worse we may have to put him in a facility to help him. He wrecked his truck yesterday(hes okay), could barely put a sentence together and forgot who I was. This is so sad to watch, hes always been an Iron man and tough as nails.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
