"There's an MLC site that closely mirrors DB'ing, I signed up for their emails and got one today that was talking about how it takes the MLCer 2-7 years to emerge from MLC. "
That's rough AS. I just can't imagine. Much respect for folks that can stand that long. I thought my W is MLC, but I don't think she is. She has depression and my flaws just magnified tremendously then you add OM in the mix voila here comes Newman the bad guy. There's a lot of positives this past weekend but I don't believe them anymore--how long will that last? Until the EA starts again.
"So even though 2 years may seem pretty final to you, it's actually not unusual at all for it to take at least that long before things start to turn around (I'm sure there are a lot of new readers that are reading this and groaning right now, LOL!)"
The sitch has been 2 yrs but in reality I think my W cut contact with OM IDK maybe 2 mos at most? So every time around she starts her EA the sitch start all over again.. If only she can give me a solid yr of no contact with that low life OM, that would make a difference. I feel like im bill Murray in that movie Groundhog Day every time she starts her EA. Oh well, I'm ready either ways...I have a L if she files and I have list of solution based MC if we reconcile. Of course I'd rather have the latter
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I feel like im bill Murray in that movie Groundhog Day
Newman, That was a great movie.
That movie is so closely related to DB when you look at it
Phil is an a55 hat and then tries to hook up with Rita.
Phil is given the gift of time and does everything he can to win Rita, yet he ends up finding himself. He changes into the person he was meant to be.
He gets Rita in the end, but it is a byproduct of him changing himself into a better person.
Wow, I think I must go watch that movie again now that it has so much more meaning for me.
Thanks Newman
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Ok so I was reading here and I stumble upon this...just an excerpt of what MWD has wrote and just speak the truth to me and want to bookmark it here:
"Your Spouse is Involved with Someone Else"
"I don’t consider it a marital death sentence if one spouse is having either an emotional or physical affair with someone else. I have seen countless marriages survive infidelity and even become stronger after the healing begins. However, it is also true that positive change in marriage is harder to achieve when one spouse is emotionally or physically interested or attached to someone else. In my practice, when I see couples, who on the surface are saying, “we want our marriage to work,” but as time progresses and nothing changes, it’s often the case that one spouse has a “special friend” waiting in the wings. There are some key phrases I’ve heard over the years in marriages where this is happening. See if any of this sounds familiar to you.
“I admit that my spouse is changing, but it doesn’t change how I feel about him/her.”
“it’s not about my spouse, it’s about me. There’s nothing s/he can do to make things better. It’s all inside my head.”
“Yes, my spouse is changing, but I think it’s too little, too late.”
“I feel like we’re brother and sister.” (referring to the fact that there are no longer feelings of attraction.)
And last, but not least, the all-time favorite:
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
You are not to blame for the lack of progress in your marriage. It’s likely that you are doing everything right but you are hitting up against a brick wall. If your partner’s extramarital interests are secretive, it’s especially difficult because it prevents you from confronting the real issues in your marriage. And it prevents your spouse from seeing things clearly and from putting his/her soul into making your marriage work."
Your spouse has decided your marriage is over
One of the reasons nothing you do seems to be working is because it isn’t. As cold and cruel as it seems, when some people announce the death of their marriages, they really mean it. For them, over means over. Once this happens there is absolutely nothing anyone can say or do to change that persons mind. The only thing you can do is make matters worse.
But here’s the problem for someone like you who desperately wants to make things better and keep your marriage thriving. There is no clear way to tell when “over” means “over” and when it means “over, maybe.”
"Sometimes people say, “it’s over,” in the heat of passion and it means nothing. Sometimes people say, “it’s over” after thinking things out, but the next day they wake up and they aren’t quite as sure about ending their marriages as they were the day before. Even though they might give an unbending appearance, the divorce is far from etched in stone. And then there are the diehards, the immovable ones who rarely retract a decision once it’s made. When these folks say it’s over, only a miracle could change things.
Since it’s hard to know whether your spouse is truly done with your marriage or just needs some more time to come to his/her sense, if I were you, I would err on the side of caution. Why not assume that this is going to take much longer than you anticipated, but that, in the end, things will work out. “Act as if” you believe that your marriage sill has possibilities. Do the things you would do if you envisioned a positive outcome to all of your efforts. Don’t allow friends, relatives, lawyers, or therapist to tell you that you should move forward in your life if that’s not your heart’s desire. If you are still hopeful that your spouse will eventually reconsider, keep practicing the techniques I’ve taught you. Don’t stop until you are absolutely convinced that it’s over. Surround yourself with people who will support you in this endeavor.
Sometimes people ask me how they will know when to stop trying to save their marriage. I don’t have a clue. The only person who knows when you should stop working on your marriage is you. You are the expert here, not your mother, father, spouse, rabbi, pastor… just you. Only you, in the privacy of your own thoughts at night, can tell whether you’ve left no stone unturned, whether you still have energy to give. If you do, then continue. If after lots of soul-searching, you decide that you can no longer continue feeling the intense hurt and pain that stem from the rejection you are experiencing, then, and only then, should you consider other options.
Start by focusing on your own life. When you let go, you will go through a mourning period that is natural. Even if you are at peace with your decision to refocus, you will probably feel intense pain. In some ways, it’s very much like a death. It’s the death of a dream that you had for yourself and your family. It’s the death of a relationship. Allow yourself to feel the pain. And at the same time, begin to think about what you can do to fill the void. Spend time with loved ones. Do nice things for yourself. Keep yourself busy. Although it’s hard to believe when you’re going through it, know that your life will go on. You will find happiness again. Many of the people with whom I work who go through a divorce, go on to find new partners and blend families and have new children. Their lives don’t end just because their marriages do. They join support groups in their churches or through their mental health centers. They double their efforts to spend time with their children. They learn everything they can about co-parenting after a divorce. They find new interests. But all of this happens slowly. Healing takes a lot of time. You need to reach out to others. There is life after divorce.
I know that many of my divorce-busting fans might be surprised by my words here. I’ve never before talked about life after divorce. I feared that by discussing the D word, I might actually be encouraging people to throw in the towel prematurely. This is the very last thing I would ever want to do. I hate divorce. I believe you must know that by now. I write about the possibility of letting go for only one reason. I don’t want people who have been in excruciating pain because of unrequited love to feel judged when they eventually decide to move on with their lives. In truth, we only have one go-around. We are all entitled to happiness. If, after you have tried everything humanly possible to win back your spouse’s love to no avail, you can’t torture yourself forever. Just make darn sure before you move forward with your life that you can honestly say, I’ve given it my all.” Then make peace with your decision."
By MWD
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
JP, wanna see a feel good LBS movie? Watch fireproof it's on Netflix. I can't remember exactly who suggested that here on the boards--it might' be Mr. Bond's post that I was reading one day but not sure. Check it out.
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Great move - acting not the best but it is inspirational! There are a couple of others by the same producer/director that are also inspirational......
Stay strong.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Well this chit hit the fan again. Yep, a little over 30 days since the known EA and the cycle repeats again. Yep she was back in the streets in her car talking to OM Where she could've been in with my kids.
I simply sent her a text "if you can't stop disrespecting us we need to separate". Her response "yes we're separating, I will file for D".
I didn't reply, I got home and just said "I can't do this anymore lets talk with the kids".
We did and we told them the plan for separation. D18 is in tears right now. I just wanna say to my kids--IM SO SORRY MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. We assured them was none of these are their fault and we love them so much.
I'm not made for this, I can't go on while my W continue to cheat on me...every part of my body rejects this notion! Enough is enough I had it.
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Well this chit hit the fan again. Yep, a little over 30 days since the known EA and the cycle repeats again. Yep she was back in the streets in her car talking to OM Where she could've been in with my kids.
I simply sent her a text "if you can't stop disrespecting us we need to separate". Her response "yes we're separating, I will file for D".
I didn't reply, I got home and just said "I can't do this anymore lets talk with the kids".
We did and we told them the plan for separation. D18 is in tears right now. I just wanna say to my kids--IM SO SORRY MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. We assured them was none of these are their fault and we love them so much.
I'm not made for this, I can't go on while my W continue to cheat on me...every part of my body rejects this notion! Enough is enough I had it.
Newman, I feel for you.
I really think you need to go dark if you can. You need to look after yourself and kids.
Your all under the same roof I think? That is really hard for everyone as I remember before my W left we couldn't even talk, as our 15 year old would freak out thinking we were going to end up fighting. The kids see everything.
Try not to react on you emotions. Try to detach and focus on you and the kids.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
