A few comments. Seems your h may have a new OW. I LOVE THAT and hope you can appreciate it for what it is.
Let him have all the crushes he wants to have...NOT YOUR problem....soooo not yours.
Besides, it'll mean that maybe OW#1 isn't so perfect (as opposed to how horrible YOU always were--or so HE says)
and maybe all isn't perfect in paradise...(gee, it's like it takes TWO to make a r work or something...)
Your h left a pregnant wife. In our society, as "flexible" as we like to be, most of us think that's pretty damn crappy. Absent physical abuse (in which case HE ought to have taken the kids)
it's just not alright. At some level somewhere in his world, he has gotten that message, which means he's NOT a great guy...not so much...
so he must vilify you to justify HIM...and so he will.
Release all expectations of his opinion of you overtly improving for that reflects poorly on HIS choices, so
he has every incentive to vilify you and interpret ALL you do or say as negatively as possible.
You cannot "win" by being perfect b/c then he'd be "wrong"...
Even if you gave him every single thing he wanted, HE would STILL need to criticize you b/c he left!!
So there's no point in conceding things to him you don't believe in. You can't win anyhow
though in time
when he is free to be with OW#1,
or OW# 2 or 3 or 73,
and you are calm and serene in your new life, HE WILL WONDER and then maybe his pride
will keep him from looking too closely (and God knows he'll never admit it to YOU)
but yes I do believe he'll regret leaving --certainly the way he left---and you will have done the only thing you can do
your best to become your best. Fight for your rights and interests that matter
and do not second guess yourself so much.
You gave into anger with OW#2 and
though I hope you won't again b/c it's crucial to contrast his image of you (ie his vilifications)
with the real you...I know why.
But wouldn't it be so great to be the "Good witch" of the North instead of him being able to say '
"See? I told you she is so angry/jealous/rude"....I don't mean to rub it in your face b/c frankly, HE has no boundaries and so you should not be surprised.
(You may want to say you "get why he doesn't see anything wrong with his choices...never has...never will, why bother discussing it?" and get off the phone)
But let go of the idea that he will admit anything good about you for now. He cannot. He has placed you in an adversarial position and he is in NO position to judge your choices.
When he brings up "deceit' on your end, you have to ask him if he's kidding, does he hear himself, does he lack ALL insight or self awareness?
Does he tell HIS family THE TRUTH about everything about the finances,
and how he left you and how he treats you and wants to pay you nothing, and what about the OWs?? Hmmm, what's that? He does NOT tell them the whole story? Oh wait, he has ONE sister who "supported" his new R...what happened to all the others? Did you work your magic spell and blind them too??
In other words if all these people who KNOW YOU and know what he's doing and know him too, are not so happy with his choices
gee, maybe, a tiny little part of him is NOT the greatest perfect guy and maybe you are not the totally evil w he left?
Just shake your head when he goes off, b/c he is one man in steep prideful denial. The good news is that you are regaining control of your future.
No small feat...
I still say you were right about custody and I hope you'll keep putting the kids needs ahead of your fear of angering him. remember KG, even if you give him everything he wants --it will NOT make him think more of you. It can't.
You must be the bad guy in this, to him, OR HE IS...and he cannot imagine taking on any responsibility for the divorce.
Hate to nag but I hope you are not covering for him with his family anymore. I know you don't want to be the messenger of bad news and you don't want more of your h's temper and anger,
but you still have to do right by the kids. At least don't mislead for him...too much crazy deceit as it is.
If you know in your heart that if you are truly setting aside your pride & anger (and I now trust that you usually do know)
and you are putting the kids first, then you have to leave the results up to God...
then whatever your h believes about your motives, so wrapped in his shame--really deep down shame he's probably not even conscious of---
just cannot matter anymore....
Besides, I think if you really do cast your pride and anger aside to do right by the kids, and turn all that over to God, it'll improve your R with him anyhow.
If not, so be it, You did your best and that is all anyone can do.
I know you got a lousy hand, but you have to play it as well as possible. Don't fold if you can still play it. Know what I mean?
If your L says you are acting against your interests, STOP & LISTEN....
or you'll be acting out of emotion and fear/shame, not with your head in the right place.
Get your head straight and then make your choices and stick to choices that help you move towards your goals,
Not choices that are made out of reacting or emoting...
((((( )))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A post about the difference between Giving Up, and Letting Go...
Saw this somewhere...
“There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck.
Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. It means removing toxic people and belief systems from your life so that you can make room for relationships and ideas that are conducive to your wellbeing and happiness.
Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.
So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference.
Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. No one, but you.”
PS Our lives are not very long. We must live them as happily as we can.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
sorry that you continue to go through such craziness with h.
about h... 25 is right on, he will not be able to see you any other way bc that would force him to face his own guilt. enough said there.
about OW #2... if she is a friend at all, she will understand.. perhaps it made h angry that she may realize how the mother of his three young children feels...enough said there.
about YOU... you are such an amazing person KG, so strong through this (superhero for sure) and so gentle and loving in person.. and i wonder if you lean into the feelings that came up about OW #2 what you might find out about you.
i know that, for me, my anger and hurt about my STBX and OW is so much more about me right now, and so little about them. it comes up so much less often now and when it does i notice the triggers and have realized that..
it is about my FEARS about being alone or that all this self-work has not changed my way of being in the world (co-dependent) and that STBX was "right" about me, that i am everything she has said and am ultimately unloveable or inadequate. that is what comes up for me now... and that is "stuff" i can continue to work on.
love you KG and can not wait to see you (((((((((((((((((((((KG)))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
As one who dealt with a OW2...it is hilarious. Just helps us to see, it's not us. It's them.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
sorry that you continue to go through such craziness with h.
about h... 25 is right on, he will not be able to see you any other way bc that would force him to face his own guilt. enough said there.
about OW #2... if she is a friend at all, she will understand.. perhaps it made h angry that she may realize how the mother of his three young children feels...enough said there.
about YOU... you are such an amazing person KG, so strong through this (superhero for sure) and so gentle and loving in person.. and i wonder if you lean into the feelings that came up about OW #2 what you might find out about you.
i know that, for me, my anger and hurt about my STBX and OW is so much more about me right now, and so little about them. it comes up so much less often now and when it does i notice the triggers and have realized that..
it is about my FEARS about being alone or that all this self-work has not changed my way of being in the world (co-dependent) and that STBX was "right" about me, that i am everything she has said and am ultimately unloveable or inadequate. that is what comes up for me now... and that is "stuff" i can continue to work on.
love you KG and can not wait to see you (((((((((((((((((((((KG)))))))))))))))))
Good stuff...spot on.
The scariest thing to worry about is that the "one who knew us best" says we're jerks/witches and since they left, we must "deserve" them leaving.
So hard to realize, deep down at a gut level
it's NOT about you anymore...we know you for real. you are NOT who you say you once were (and if you were a beyotch back then, big deal...3 kids under 5 and a full time long hour job and a h who is busy too....Stop that super hero chaos....been there, done that!)
We know YOU NOW...and this isn't about who you are now and that matters...
His choices now, HIS behavior is all/only about HIM.
Let go...things will get better soon...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Read it. Read it again. As you may know, my sitch has taken a surprising turn and almost 2 months ago my H admitted to all of the things 25 just said. It isn't me, it's him. He's the one who is a serial cheater who left his pregnant wife because he can't stop schtuping OW, plural. He had to make me the bad guy, otherwise and I quote "I'm John Edwards. I'm that guy. I cheat on my dying wife. I'm cheating on my pregnant wife." He still has his moments. Yesterday when he brought up my parents, he started getting all "But you were mean...you were sooo controling...wait, I'm getting defensive and blaming you. Sorry. I'm the a hole who cheated and left his pregnant wife. Dam# IT!" I still look with amazement, waiting for the crazy, blame, me-hating guy to come back. He might. I'm prepared.
Please don't just give in to what he wants. I firmly believe that it is better for the kids to be more with you. He will always have to vilify you. Otherwise, yea...he's John Edwards.
You, are amazing. Just think...at least you know who he is. You are better off without someone who would treat you like this, you are.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
"it is about my FEARS about being alone or that all this self-work has not changed my way of being in the world (co-dependent) and that STBX was "right" about me, that i am everything she has said and am ultimately unloveable or inadequate. that is what comes up for me now... and that is "stuff" i can continue to work on. "
This is what I am feeling now too, but am refusing to be dragged under this time. 25 got it right, it is not about you or me or any of the LBSs, it is about WAS and their choices. We just happen to be standing at the epicentre when the bomb goes off. I guess it takes time and practice to make it about us and our choices
