Here for you. You are so strong,one of the strongest women on this board, and you can go forward. Good luck and I am sending you all the positive energy I can give. Hugs to you and D.
Thank you I/O, I appreciate that. I've just reached my limit, and have to stay strong so I don't back peddle. I still love the man, despite the abuse. My fear is that we will not be able to have the friendly R that you have with your H after this mess. At the same time, I am still not prepared to see him with someone else, even though I know it will be a short lived act until the real H shows through.
I think the alcohol is really interfering now. For him and his buds, he bought a 30 pack on the 11th and another 30 pack on the 15th. That doesn't include what everone else brought (since they all don't drink the same stuff) or what he has at home.
And after all that I wrote, guess who showed up for dinner? And earlier than he has been. SMH. It's tiring.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
It is emotionally tiring Hopeful. I know you are strong and will get through this. Does it make any sense to you that I have compassion for your H? You and D were the constants in his life. He will see it one day, but it will be too late. I feel kind of sad for people who throw those things away.
Thanks, subguy and I/O. Not to mind read, but I honestly think H struggles, and has for a while, balancing his acting like a single man with the need for the constants of D and me in his life. He still wants my help with legal issues, etc., and wants me to cook, etc. He's not really sharing what's going on at work, and I'm not asking. At some level, he's aware of what will happen when I'm gone and right now is making no effort to adjust to those changes. This all seems to be one huge struggle for control.
IDK, maybe H feels like his life is slipping away and trying to put my further under his thumb is going to change all of that?
I did not get the divorce filed this week, so I will shoot for the beginning of next. I got busy at work and my attorney is not doing contested/minor kids divorces right now.
H has yet to make an appt with our accountant to go over finances that I supposedly screwed up, but he is still blowing money. I am showing him checks and deposits from his business, but he refuses to sit down to look at the financials. He completely misses the big picture.
Today I am going to a homebuyers class that is part of my program. H is off to put the Mustang at a car show with for sale signs, but says he will drive it home. He has D with him. He acted like his plans trumped mine but finally said he would take her with him.
He never responded to my email with the list of times that I am tied up. Today was on the list. I will re-send the list and tell him that I would appreciate a response so that we can plan appropriately.
I still see evidence that H is so far gone with whatever is going on with him. While I was setting the dinner table on Thursday, I noticed that one of the columns on our front porch had fallen down. I told H and we went out and looked at them. The columns are wood and rot because the sprinklers get water on the bases. No effort to get a replacement or put some wood in there. I hope the front porch doesn't fall down on that corner. I don't know how long it can hang out with no support.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Lots of GAL over the weekend, by myself. I went to a party Friday night. H did not want to go, and neither did D. I went and had a great time. We had glow in the dark wine glasses and I bought some blinking rabbit ears to go with them. I got a few looks, but who cares.
On Saturday, I went whitewater rafting. Again, H didn't want to go and I didn't really care. I invited some friends and went in a raft with the judge I practice in front of the most. I can't wait to do it again. Afterwards, another friend and I went to a brew pub across the street.
Best weekend in a long time!!
I've paid off some debts and am looking forward to see where my home affordability currently falls. H continues to believe he will get everything and pay off his debts and leave me with mine. Last week I asked him what he wanted me to do with his 1/2 of the tax refund and he didn't respond. Tonight he told me it wouldn't stay in our joint account. So, tomorrow, I will write him a check and let him do what he wants with it. I've already used my portion to pay down debt.
He's still all over the place with his behavior towards me. I'm doing my best to see the humor in it to keep me going. It's still all about control. Yesterday he told me that he wanted to see the financial records from my law firm and wanted to know where my paycheck went. What a freak. Can't admit he has a problem (not that I am surprised). Still hasn't made his appointment with the accountant and continues to spend like we have a magic money tree in the back yard.
I was asked today to present on a panel at the school I teach at. I'm also trying to work with a friend to put together a boat for a dragon boat race in May. It's based on the old Chinese dragon boats with drummers, etc. I have a dinner to go to on Thursday. I will continue to GAL.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Lots of GAL over the weekend, by myself. I went to a party Friday night. H did not want to go, and neither did D. I went and had a great time. We had glow in the dark wine glasses and I bought some blinking rabbit ears to go with them. I got a few looks, but who cares.
On Saturday, I went whitewater rafting. Again, H didn't want to go and I didn't really care. I invited some friends and went in a raft with the judge I practice in front of the most. I can't wait to do it again. Afterwards, another friend and I went to a brew pub across the street.
Best weekend in a long time!!
Fantastic, glad you had a good time
Regarding the rotting porch posts, the reason they rot like that is the water gets under them and wicks up into the end grain (contractors usually don't bother painting or sealing the bottom of posts before they go in). The solution (when replacing them with new posts) is to raise them slightly. You can get metal brackets made for this at Home Depot or Lowes that raise the posts about 1/2" off the slab. This creates an air space under the posts so even if they do get wet they dry out quickly so that rot doesn't start.
I'm an architect so I'll offer this- sometimes the posts are just decorative and don't actually support the porch, but most of the time they are there for structural reasons. It may look OK now, but if any extra load gets applied (high winds, snow on the roof, etc.) there could be serious damage as a result. I'd get it swapped ASAP.
Still here, still lurking. My emotions have been mixed lately and I've started to feel less detached for some reason. Maybe the pursuit/distance dynamic. Now that H has left pursuit and is back at distancing, I feel like I'm back to pursuing. It also doesn't help that his latest BFF is a 26 year old female (yeah, she's a loser hanging around with someone old enough to be her dad).
I should hear this week about where I am with home affordability. I used my part of the tax return to pay debt and took some $$ from my IRA to pay debt. I don't think this can come fast enough.
At this point, I have no hope for my M. I am pretty confident H is in MLC and I just don't think I have it in me to wait it out for eternity. His treatment of me is terrible, and he continues to blame me for everthing.
For the 2nd year in a row, once we start to pull back together, he finds something that is "all my fault" to push us back apart. I am willing to admit and accept my responsiblities in where I went wrong, but H will not. He's a teenager with no sense of responsibilty.
Through all of this, he still refuses to schedule mediation or a visit with our accountant, especially now that he's accused me of bascially stealing $100K from him. Which is funny because he made a remark tonight about my not believing him about something. The trust between us is pretty much erroded.
Tonight has been bad. I asked him yesterday if he could come home on time because I wanted to make a nice dinner. He said he couldn't so I pushed it to tonight. Before I left work (early), I asked him if he would come home around 7:30 because I wanted to make a nice dinner. He said yes.
Well, he showed up around 8 and I was pissed, but didn't say anything. He got pissed because I wouldn't get up and serve him or open his wine bottle for him, and he couldn't find the foil cutter. I told him that I would open the wine bottle for him if he wanted and he was just nasty back to me. I did not do a good job of holding my emotions in and told him that it hurt me that he didn't come home when he said he would and that I felt unappreciated, that I hadn't made a nice dinner in a long time and I just wanted to enjoy it.
He told me he didn't want me to cook for him anymore (gee, we've heard that before). I said, well then I guess you can give me the plate you have now. That set him off and he threw his full beer can into the kitchen and packed a bag.
He's gone for the night. I don't know why I'm crying, but I am. I think I'm just tired of it all. D made comments about him being a jerk tonight. Before that, when I told her that I thought H would come home a little early, she said, well he's not going to do that.
I'm sure I could have done better in handling this, but like I said, I've had enough. I've had enough of disrespect, limbo land, etc. He's done nothing that he said he would in regards to divorce and separating. I'm tired of doing the heavy lifting in this M.
My guilt lies in that I know he has a disease. I've supported him through the physcial illnesses over the past 6 months, but I can't do it any more with the alcohol. Would I leave him if it was cancer? Probably not. Even cancer that he wouldn't treat? Probably not.
But I know that I cannot change him and that we will continue down this path until he is ready to accept responsiblity for his own behavior.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
