Had a nice weekend, D19 came in from college and we went to Medieval Times for her bday (all the kids and W were in attendance, plus a friend of D19's). Afterwards D19 went over to W's house (W and I planned this in advance) and I ran to the store and bought decorations and did the dining room up with streamers, balloons, banners, etc. and then called them to come over. They all came over and D19 opened her presents and we had cake. Afterwards D19 wanted to watch some shows I had been saving on the DVR for her. W hung out there a surprisingly long time, again it reminded me of the picnic analogy. W left around 10:30 along with all the kids (it was still W's week to have them) which was fine because I had to get up early to go on a ride.
The ride- one of my newer GAL activities has been to go riding (Harleys) with a group of people I met a few months ago. This time we went to a little town about 2 hours away for a German-themed festival. We took the back roads and the weather was cool in the morning, but warmed up to the perfect temperature. The festival was great- beer, food and bands Afterwards we rode to a biker hangout for more beer (well, Dr. Pepper in my case) and food. Then we rode back home on the back roads. It was a little over 300 miles round trip and was a full day. There were 3 other bikes along and I was the only one without a wife on back, heh!
When I got home I called W to let her know I was back and that D16 and S10 could come over (we do the handoffs on Sundays). She said they were making dinner, so it would be over an hour later. They ended up getting to my house close to bedtime. S10 and I were talking and he mentioned he had gone to the driving range with suspected OM and that OM had also come back to W's house to cook dinner. He just mentioned it in passing, I didn't ask and after he mentioned it I changed the subject. W and OM sure seem to be chummy though.
BC39 thank you, that's very kind of you
stilllookingup, thank you, I really think we're headed full speed towards D though. At this point I'm thinking more about "after D" and trying to sort through whether I want to give W more time after that or not.
barely floating, the "not quite so dim" continues and W is still responding favorably, but I think things are pretty well stuck in the "friend zone" at this point. And that's fine, for the sake of the kids I'd rather that we continue on as friends if nothing else. Just makes things a lot easier.
Hey all, time for an update! First I had to share something awesome S10 came up with- sometimes he goes to the gym with me to work out. We were driving there one day and he looked over at me and he said "dude time!" I looked at him, held my fist out for a fist bump and said "right, dude time!" Since W and I don't do things together anymore and with D19 in college and D16 doing her drill team thing (and spending a lot of time with drill team friends), S10 and I have been doing more things that are just the two of us. It can be a little sad to think about how our family is rarely together anymore, but that one "dude time" comment made me see it from a totally different perspective- instead of lamenting that we're not all together why not celebrate that it's just the dudes getting some time together? I love it! So now whenever we're going to eat together, or a movie, or working out or whatever that's our new tradition- we fist bump and say "dude time!" The girls always complain when I put the top down on my car (messes up their hair), but not S10 So when we're having dude time it's ALWAYS with the top down (weather permitting). Just two dudes rockin' around in a red Mustang convertible, shades on and having a blast
W and I made the long drive to move D19 out of her dorm yesterday (W invited me along to help). I can't believe D19 is already finished with her first year of college! Unfortunately they require that the students move out of the dorm every summer even if they're moving back in the next semester. It was a madhouse because most everyone was moving out. While D19 was taking her last final, W packed up her stuff in bins and I hauled them down the 4 flights of stairs (no elevator) and onto a dolly to take on the long trek to the car. By the time D19 got back we were done, reminded me of how good W and I can be at teaming together to get things done.
S10 was sick last week and I couldn't stay home, so W stayed with him. Strangely, instead of taking him to her house she stayed with him at mine. S10 told me the two of them slept in my bed until noon. I think that's the first time W has slept in my bed since she left.
Contact with W has been pretty minimal, I still try to send her an email now and then to keep in touch and she pretty quickly replies to them, but that's usually just 2 or 3 times a week. We’ve had no additional discussions of D although that may be because S10 and D16 are still in school (she said she wasn’t going to pursue it until they’re on summer break).
D19 let it slip while W and I were having lunch with her at school that apparently W is planning another campout trip with the kids and OM this weekend. I don't know why W thinks she has to keep this stuff a secret from me, it doesn't bother me. I told her last time that I would appreciate it if she would tell me when she's taking the kids out of town just so I know where they are, but she's still not doing that. When D19 let is slip W made an excuse about not knowing what the plans were and quickly changed the subject.
I'm still going out with the woman I mentioned previously. We really get along great, but our lives are so polarized that neither of us sees how we could ever become serious. But we enjoy doing stuff together, so we're keeping it casual. She talked me into shooting pool with her a couple of nights ago, I haven't done that in over 10 years. It was fun!
That's great you are bonding with S10 through this..
I've been meaning to ask you. Didn't you mention somewhere your W wants you to ask your brother how they took care of their divorce because they did it amicably? But isn't that something your W should do if she wants to pursue D?!or does it not matter at this point?
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
It's been 2-1/2 weeks since an update, sure seems like longer than that! Interactions between W and I have been pretty limited and mainly centered around the kids, but I did bend the rules on that for Mother's Day. I helped the kids make some decorated pavers with their handprints in them. They also did some of those when they were little (still have them), but now that two of them are grown the bigger handprints are an interesting comparison to the older pavers. Also got W some flowers and we all went out to a nice dinner. Went by the next day and mowed W's overgrown lawn while she was at her mom's house with the kids. W did seem to appreciate it all.
As I've mentioned before I don't pry about suspected OM, but the kids usually spill the beans after he's been somewhere with them. W does something with him just about every weekend, sometimes with the kids and sometimes without. My brother and sister think they're just friends, I don't know and I don't particularly care at this point since we're so close to D anyway.
W hasn't brought up the D since my last update, but she did say she was waiting until the kids were out of school to file and that's not until next week.
On the weeks I have custody W has been sneaking the kids away from me 1-3 times a week lately. We had originally agreed to allow some flexibility on this, but I've been respecting W's time with the kids while she has been abusing the privileges in return. It came to a head yesterday when I had made plans with the kids and W suddenly showed up at lunchtime to take D16 just as I was about to take all the kids to lunch. It's a bit hard to explain, but W had called at 10 asking to take D16 shopping that morning, but D16 had worked the night before and when I woke her up and asked her, she said she wanted to sleep in. So I told W that D16 didn't want to go, she wanted to sleep. Apparently W interpreted that as meaning they would go later whereas what I thought I told her was that D16 didn't want to go. W didn't say another word again to me, she just showed up to take D16. I didn't want to have a big blowup in front of the kids, so let them go. W didn't bring D16 home until 10 pm and it turns out she had a big school project due today, so we were up until 1:30 am working on it. I get up at 5:45 am and S10 is ADHD so needs his sleep, so normally we're in bed at 10 pm. I told W last night that this needed to stop, she needs to respect my time with the kids and if she had done so I wouldn't have to be up half the night helping D16 with a project. W's response was that I shouldn't help D16, that it was her fault for not starting the project sooner. Wow. I tried to stay calm, my voice did raise a bit a couple of times but overall I kept my composure pretty well. I explained to her that if D16 had been home with me, I would have asked her -like I do every day- if she had any homework and we would have been able to tackle the project earlier in the day without screwing up bedtime. W kept trying to turn it into an argument, but I just kept reiterating that I was just asking her to respect my time with the kids like I respect hers.
W actually called this morning and apologized, said she thought about it and understood what I was asking and agreed with what I was saying. I apologized to her as well, told her that I should have waited to discuss it with her when it was a better time for both of us instead of talking about it late at night when I was tired and crabby. We both agreed to try harder at communicating with each other.
^^That^^ is a 180 for both of us, in the past neither of us would have apologized, we would have each stewed in our own righteous indignation, LOL!
In general I've got to say I've been really content/ happy in life for the last several months. On the weeks I have the kids I thoroughly enjoy doing stuff with them and on the weeks I don't have them I actually enjoy the alone time to get projects around the house done or get out for some GAL stuff. I do have plenty of alone time at the house, but I no longer feel lonely when I'm alone. I actually relish that time now whereas a few months ago it scared the heck out of me being alone. I truly am in that DB place where I am happy about my future even though I don't know if W will be part of it or not.
You used the word "content" in your post and I want to let you know that is how you come across on this MB. I respect/admire/(even envy) that, and always appreciate your perspective. Thanks for your update.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Sounds great, AS!! Isnt' it awesome when we interact so differently with our spouses, and yet can still see where we can improve.
As always, you inspire me AS!! You rock!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
My bday is approaching, and since BD was shortly after my bday it also means the 1 year anniversary of BD is also approaching. WOW, I am amazed it's been that long! I think the first couple of months after BD were the longest, most painful months of my life. But now things really feel largely "normal" again. Sure W lives somewhere else and my kids are only with me every other week, but that too feels "normal" now.
I bought myself an early present. I've mentioned before I have a Mustang GT convertible, I bought it 6 years ago. It's the only new car I've ever special-ordered. At the time it worked because W had/ has a van, but since W moved on it's been a real struggle transporting kids, buying groceries, getting landscaping supplies for the house, etc. in the Mustang. But I didn't want to get rid of it! So I started looking at older cars and ended up getting a really nice Ford Edge that's fully optioned. I got such a good deal on it that it allowed me to keep the Mustang too, yippee
The kids and I are going to Arkansas (the Ozarks) for vacation next week. This has been a family tradition for over 10 years. After W moved out, the Arkansas vacations were one of the things the kids asked about, and I told them the tradition would live on no matter what I'm sure there will be some sadness over W not being there, but we won't be sitting around much. We spend the time hiking, kayaking and caving
PatientMan- thanks! I think "content" is not so much an emotion as a state of mind, so I try to use that to describe my attitude rather than "happy" because happiness is an emotion and as such can be fleeting. But in general I am quite happy too
Tallula, thank you, you really inspire me too You've grown so much since signing on here, it's been amazing to watch your journey
SailingAlone, thanks! I remember coming here early in my sitch and reading people talk about the importance of coming to realize that we will be OK in life whether we live it with or without our spouse, but that just sounded completely impossible to me. I was here specifically to get my W back, that was my one and only goal and if it couldn't happen then life would not be worth living. Looking back I'm really surprised at just how codependent I was on my W and also surprised that I had absolutely no idea about it. I really thought I was my own, independent person. But I wasn't at all! I am now though, and am stronger for it. It's a shame it takes BD for us to become the people we should have been all along, but better late than never
stilllookingup- I missed your earlier question about whether I should be helping with the D, I think in general the LBS should not do anything to move the D forward, but I also believe that if it's possible to get through D peacefully then the LBS should facilitate that so no bad feelings develop over it. People who have nasty divorce battles can carry the bitterness from that for years after and it can kill any future reconciliation chances. Plus it can be traumatic for the kids too. My W has stated that she feels we can get through this without lawyers and that we can negotiate everything just between the two of us, and I agree that I think we can do that. So I will give her whatever info she requests, and I will sign the paperwork when the time comes. But I don't see that as helping move the D forward so much as just not standing in the way of it. I don't see D as the end of things, sometimes D can make the WAS finally feel free and that in turn can lead them back to the LBS. Of course it doesn't always happen like that, but sometimes it does. Crimson and his XW are an example. Anyway, I think the more peacefully we can get through the D then the better our future chances of R will be.
AS, just wanted to thank you. I'm 2-3 months into my sitch and your words help give me hope that I will one day feel "normal" again no matter what the outcome. BTW, I'm a mustang fan too. I've got a 2000 GT and a 1985 GT.
Me:38, Wife:36 M:8 T:13 No kids Bomb:3/10/13 W moved out:3/30/13 Started D paperwork: 10/14/13 D final: 12/30/13 To a future of love and happiness...
I forgot to mention, D16 got a summer job, yay She went on one interview (at Sonic) and got hired! Proud parent moment She's been working there a couple of weeks and already is starting to realize just how much effort is required in earning a buck. She's not going on as many shopping trips as she was when she was spending someone else's money, LOL!
I also forgot to mention that W has gotten really distant in the last few weeks. I mentioned the Mother's Day stuff which went well, since then we've had very little interaction and what we've had has been friendly but... not sure how to describe it, kind of like casual neighbors I guess. The hugging has pretty much stopped again, I can only think of one since Mother's Day and it was an awkward hug-from-the-side kind of thing with both of us patting each other, like "see ya bud", LOL! We still trade emails concerning the kids, but that's about it. It's hard to imagine us ever reconciling from here, but I've read several other sitches that were in a similar spot when suddenly the WAS started showing interest again seemingly out of the blue.
Originally Posted By: JRG
AS, just wanted to thank you. I'm 2-3 months into my sitch and your words help give me hope that I will one day feel "normal" again no matter what the outcome.
You're very welcome I really think we need to get to that "new normal" and get comfortable with our new life there before the WAS will even think about returning. I don't think I've ever read of a WAS returning to a needy/ clingy/ desperate spouse, and even if we don't want to admit it that's what nearly all of us are for quite some time after BD. Once we get comfortable with our new life and get our confidence and PMA back, that's when the WAS might start questioning what they're doing. Kind of like the castle analogy- at first they feel cozy and safe inside those tall, cold stone walls, but eventually when they peer out the tiny slots in the ramparts and see the LBS enjoying life out on the lawn in the bright sunshine they might find they "escaped" into a prison of their own making.
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BTW, I'm a mustang fan too. I've got a 2000 GT and a 1985 GT.
Sweet! When I bought mine it somehow converted both daughters into Mustang fans too, despite my suggestions that they look at Civics and the like one was drawn to an '02 Mustang convertible and the other an '07 convertible (both are V6's but nicely optioned). D16 has the '07 and it's the same color as mine. It's funny because both have tinted windows and sometimes high school kids see my car and think it's her and do crazy stuff, one kid blocked me in a drive-through lane and started revving his engine, when he finally looked over and saw me in the driver's seat instead of a high school cutie you could see the blood drain out of his face, LOL!
Afterwards we rode to a biker hangout for more beer (well, Dr. Pepper in my case) and food. Then we rode back home on the back roads. It was a little over 300 miles round trip and was a full day. There were 3 other bikes along and I was the only one without a wife on back, heh!
She's been working there a couple of weeks and already is starting to realize just how much effort is required in earning a buck. She's not going on as many shopping trips as she was when she was spending someone else's money, LOL!