Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

Hey....I found something interesting

"By letting it go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try the world is beyond the winning."
Detachment is the ability to allow people the freedom to be themselves. It is the ability to hold back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. It is the ability to develop and maintain a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Detaching is a process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering - and to place all things in life into a health, rational perspective.
Detachment is the:
 Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves
 Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational
 Giving another person the space to be himself
 Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people
 Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person
 Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life
 Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence
 Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering
 Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling
 Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life
 Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point
 Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them
 Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be"
 Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you
Emotionally detaching requires that you change many of your attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Detaching is not about enabling someone else; it's about disarming the other person by eradicating his or her ability to hurt you. It's not about changing your behavior so that you don't "trigger" your wife or girlfriend. In fact, if you successfully detach it will probably provoke them to become even more nasty and controlling for a while.
Before you can begin to detach you need to accept the following:
 Love does not conquer all. What you're experiencing in your relationship probably isn't love; it's a distorted and twisted version of it
 You can't fix or rescue someone from being abusive, sick, dysfunctional and lost in their own highly distorted reality. In fact, trying to rescue someone is like trying to rescue a drowning person who is crying for help and then holds you under water until you begin to drown. The more you try to rescue her, the more she'll drag you under
 You give your abusive spouse or partner the power to hurt you
 You can survive and thrive without the relationship. You don't "need" her or him. You had a life before this person and eventually you'll have a much better one
 You are not responsible for your spouses, partner's or ex's happiness, failures, shortcomings or bad behaviors
 The person who you want your spouse or partner to be is in conflict with the person she or he is in reality
 Continuing to hope for the best from someone who consistently gives you the worst is a set-up for more pain and disillusionment
 You are not helpless, powerless and incompetent. The relationship with your abusive spouse or partner causes you to feel that way, which is why it's often so difficult to take care of yourself and break free
 There is no shame in admitting that you need to walk away from a relationship that is destructive and toxic.
 It's vital that you begin to develop a rational perspective and distance yourself from an ongoing hurtful relationship that you can neither control nor change

[JJAC2005]

Negatvie Effects of Not Detaching

If you are unable to detach from people, then you:

■Will have people which become over-dependent on you
■Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people which you do not really want to do
■Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect
■Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people
■Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people you have given the power to control you
■Will be blind to the reality that the people which control you are the uncontrollable's you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual
■Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people project
■Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy
■Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result
■Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it
■Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen
■Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue with the unhealthy person

[JJAC2005]

Steps of Detachment...
You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive
The other is emotionally unavailable to you
Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you
Punitive or abusive to you
Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you
Smothering you
Other is overly dependent on you
You are overly dependent on the other
Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself
Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler
Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go
Other appears helpless, lost and out of control
Other is self-destructive or suicidal
Other has an addictive disease
Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned
When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching
Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want
Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control
Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another
Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored


STEP TWO
Once you have identified the persons you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

STEP THREE
Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

STEP FOUR
Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.

STEP FIVE
Accept and admit to yourself that the other person is "sick," "dysfunctional" or "irrational," and that no matter what you say, do or demand, you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeable's in life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

STEP SIX
Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship.

STEP SEVEN
Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in your life. You are a good person and deserve healthy relationships at home, at work, and in the community.

STEP EIGHT
Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.

STEP NINE
Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

STEP TEN
Continue to give no person, place or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.

STEP ELEVEN
Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing.

[JJAC2005]

well...happy Friday everyone!
Its coming up on another anniversary mark (mothers day Sunday), one that I was expected to, and did do a lot for the family on.
And I was wanting to throw this out there for comment....
I have been basically pretty dark over the past few months....and haven't gotten any type of contact or even a smidgeon of any indications that my ex might be open to a little hello or any type of contact from me, nor has she indicated that she may be softening her stand on allowing the kids to contact me for a conversation or a visit.
Anyway...I want to drop off a little something for her and the kids and just let it be something that might be welcomed on that day.
Should I do it....or would it be seen as pursuit?

[JJAC2005]

I should have added to the above.....I in NO way would "expect" anything to come of the gesture....however, I have to be honest when I say I would have a little "hope" that it would at least spark a smile or nice thought.

I think that its always nice to give a gift that says something about the "receiver".....and not about the "giver"
Keep it simple, but thoughtful.....

[jaytee35]

JJAC,

I understand your concern on this one. I think from the advice that I have been given is you want to do a 180. Whatever you normally would do and she expects you to do, do the opposite. I am still new to all of this but I had a situation where I still had a wedding gift to give my waw. She would have expected me to sell them and collect the profit since we are not together. I did the opposite and gave them to her with NO EXPECTATIONS!!! I heard nothing from her. So if you do, Do not even expect a thank you...and be prepared. This is my two cents but the vets can probably give you better information. Good luck!

[JJAC2005]

Thanks J..
I'm ok with taking the chance on the gift and gesture... and I really dont have any expectations.
The way I see it is that I have not gotten any contact from her since Christmas....So I dont really have anything to loose here (50/50 chance of something positive or negitive) and eve if its taken poorly, it should be only a minor set back.
There are really only a few things that really could happen here anyway.
She could take it and throw it in the trash...or
She could accept it and say something nice afterwards....or keep it and say nothing more about it.
But NO matter what her external reaction is, I am certain that she will eventually smile on the inside at what I did for her....and how this gift fits perfectly with everything that is going on right now in her world.

[jaytee35]

Jjac,

I hear you completely and you are right. We are in very similar situation with our wives. My wife is very closed and has only initiated contact with me like twice since January. Valentines day I did what you are doing as well. I decided to give my wife a card, and deliver flowers and dinner to work. All I got in response was..."I got your delivery, thank you" which was nice but in hindsight I wish I would have know that she filed for divorce the day before!!!!!

But I do agree with you, at this point we do not have much to lose. Let's just make sure we are detaching with love and giving them thier space. I am currently very dark with her and the divorce proceedings. If our wives are meant to be with us, they will come back some day!

I am told constantly to be patient on this site.....and lord know I am being patient. You do the same cause thier is no timeline to reconciliation. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope to hear a positive ending from you

[JJAC2005]

Well...
As the saying goes....its not about the giver of gifts that creates the best impressions, its the thoughtfulness of the gift that really counts.
After much deliberation, I went ahead with my plans for a Mothers Day and belated Birthday gift for my ex wife...all of which had some tiny thought to it that that reflected/connected directly to some of the very good parts of our past relationship together.
I had NO expectations.....and my effort hit its intended mark of her heart.
I am pleased to say that she did reply....it was short and sweet...but she did reply!
I'm not going to make anything more out of this other than it was a positive reaction. I'm just left here wondering what might my next little move might be?

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."
Leo Buscaglia

[JJAC2005]

Well...
As the saying goes....its not about the giver of gifts that creates the best impressions, its the thoughtfulness of the gift that really counts.

In other words it wasnt just the fact that I gave her something for mothers day...it was something that came from my heart that meant something for me to give and for her to recieve....

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."
Leo Buscaglia