Awesome news Breakdown, congrats!! Good luck and take it slooooow
^Agreed. It is so easy to fall into the trap and get over zealous or hopeful. Thats usually when life drops the hammer on you...if for no other reason than to watch you squirm.
Not saying dont be happy...just careful
Best of continued luck
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Good for you Breakdown, you have several similarities to where I was in the fall of 2011. I have read "After the Affair" and can't recommend it for where you are, have you read it yourself first? I would go with the 5LL's and "His Needs, Her Needs" then "Passionate Marriage" instead. After the Affair spends a lot of time creating frameworks to help each person decide whether or not they should stay together or not which feels like return to limbo for a stander.
In my sitch, OM also called things off to work on his marriage and went no contact with W and to his credit he has stayed with it. That's good and bad because it leaves the relationship unresolved for your W and she will continue to miss that affair excitement.
The biggest mistake I made was not being firm and demanding enough with my boundaries. She did not own her affair, she justified it. For a brief honeymoon period she worked on piecing with me but then went back to "you must accept me as I am and to ask anything different is a failure on your part to love me unconditionally and indicates that we are just incompatible."
If there's one bit of advice I would give at this tender stage, It would be to hold onto your boundaries at all costs even if it seems to represent a step back in reconciling. It gets harder later to dig in hard when the kids believe you are back together and everything is good from an outsiders perspective. It will then be you that is creating turmoil and threatening the peace versus your W, and that's a more difficult position to be in believe it or not.
I would fight the fight on your boundaries now while things are still marginally broken and not compromise anything that you know is very important to you. Seize the initiative!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Acc. That's good advice. Perhaps we won't read the whole After the Affair, but rather, focus on the chapters of rebuilding the trust and the relationship. She's not a big reader anyway so she'll be thrilled to cut it down to the stuff that applies. I'll skim it first to see if that makes sense....I also have the others, so I'll check those out too.
We did agree to get together again Saturday morning to discuss boundaries. She already knows where I stand, but she wants to make sure it's the same on both sides. I have reiterated again and again that no contact is mandatory as is transparency and truthfulness....anything less and I'm out, and I mean that. OM is pressing her hard and trying to manipulate her (i.e. "I'm on the way to the hospital"), but so far she seems to have remained strong.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
She did not own her affair, she justified it. For a brief honeymoon period she worked on piecing with me but then went back to "you must accept me as I am and to ask anything different is a failure on your part to love me unconditionally and indicates that we are just incompatible."
My W mostly justified as well, at least up until recently. She opened up a few days ago and told me how ashamed she was, but I still don't feel like she's been very apologetic. It's not like she's saying "please give me a chance"...it's more like she knows I want to work on it and is saying, "ok." That bothers me a bit.
The biggest mistake I made was not being firm and demanding enough with my boundaries. She did not own her affair, she justified it. For a brief honeymoon period she worked on piecing with me but then went back to "you must accept me as I am and to ask anything different is a failure on your part to love me unconditionally and indicates that we are just incompatible."
Accuray
Wow Acc...you married to my W too? Its amazing the similarities I find here.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
We did agree to get together again Saturday morning to discuss boundaries. She already knows where I stand, but she wants to make sure it's the same on both sides. I have reiterated again and again that no contact is mandatory as is transparency and truthfulness....anything less and I'm out, and I mean that. OM is pressing her hard and trying to manipulate her (i.e. "I'm on the way to the hospital"), but so far she seems to have remained strong.
Like I told you the other night.
Make it PERFECTLY CLEAR, that your boundaries are for yourself, and for the marriage. They are in no way, to punish her for anything....
And that is the line that you risk crossing, between a boundary and being controlling. And it is damned easy to cross that line.
I also think that you need to define the contact a little more.
Contact IS going to happen, although it should only be that he is contacting her. The boundary should be something like...
There will be no contact initiated by her, and everything she receives, she will tell you about.
Its amazing the similarities I find here.