Very happy to read your update Breakdown! Very happy indeed. :-) I am cheering for you and your family. ((((((((( ))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
[quote=Breakdown At the end of the email I basically asked her if she was absolutely sure D is what she wants. I fully expected her to say "I'm sure." Imagine my surprise Monday morning when she said "No, I do not want a D."[/quote]
BD- Very glad to see that there is still hope. I am very inspired and happy for you. This shows how your hard work in yourself may lead into the M working out. I am sure the road ahead is not easy but we'll worth it.
Me:36,W:37 M:8, T:13 S:3yo, D:10yo (mine) BD 10/12 and 01/13 DBing since 02/13 W moved out 8/13
Thanks folks. I appreciate the support, and I hope this ends up as a success story. Lots of work to be done and some of it is difficult.
Originally Posted By: Inside Out
Do you think that now will be the hardest part??
Yeah, I do think it's the toughest right now. There's so many difficult topics that are at their peak right now:
- trust is extremely low for both of us - W is mourning the loss of her affair - W still has all the pain and hurt that was keeping her from trying up until now - I still don't think W has forgiven me for past mistakes - W is very insecure right now - I had started hanging out with a woman friend for GAL which my W is all over and upset about - W is very concerned about how my family will treat her going forward - W still thinks she loves OM (she'd say, she's not sure she doesn't)
We've talked thru boundaries and quite a bit about the affair. W seems pretty open about it and seems onboard with the boundaries. Sometimes I think she owns the affair, and sometimes I think she doesn't, so we'll see how that progresses. She seems to be doing pretty good with no contact on OM now, but when the wound isn't raw, I worry that she'll open up to it again.
My biggest concern is that we don't fully address all the issues. I don't want to just slide this under the rug and pretend everything is great. We've done that time and time again over the last 15 years. This time, I want to work on it, address the brokenness, and come out on the other side stronger and better....I'm still not sure she's ready to do the work.
Thanks folks. I appreciate the support, and I hope this ends up as a success story. Lots of work to be done and some of it is difficult.
Originally Posted By: Inside Out
Do you think that now will be the hardest part??
Yeah, I do think it's the toughest right now. There's so many difficult topics that are at their peak right now:
- trust is extremely low for both of us - W is mourning the loss of her affair - W still has all the pain and hurt that was keeping her from trying up until now - I still don't think W has forgiven me for past mistakes - W is very insecure right now - I had started hanging out with a woman friend for GAL which my W is all over and upset about - W is very concerned about how my family will treat her going forward - W still thinks she loves OM (she'd say, she's not sure she doesn't)
We've talked thru boundaries and quite a bit about the affair. W seems pretty open about it and seems onboard with the boundaries. Sometimes I think she owns the affair, and sometimes I think she doesn't, so we'll see how that progresses. She seems to be doing pretty good with no contact on OM now, but when the wound isn't raw, I worry that she'll open up to it again.
My biggest concern is that we don't fully address all the issues. I don't want to just slide this under the rug and pretend everything is great. We've done that time and time again over the last 15 years. This time, I want to work on it, address the brokenness, and come out on the other side stronger and better....I'm still not sure she's ready to do the work.
BD, I think this is a great "step" in the right direction. You seem to have a good grasp on what where you are at.
My 2 cents would be to keep your perspective, keep from diving in and stay on the edge of the pool, tip your toes in little by little and by no means take off your DB life preserver!
What a great turn for you two. What a great opportunity. What great challenges lay ahead. You can do this!!!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I'm excited for you guys. I think taking it slow is important and even more important is having clear boundaries set up. They just can't come across as controlling, have to be more about protecting yourselves
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
My fear would be the same, the non addressing of issues. Certainly isn't easy to drag stuff out into the daylight (to paraphrase U2), but then if we don't, we always end up tripping on it somewhere down the line.
LOL...yeah, you have to check out hashing. Some running/hiking with a bit of a puzzle and beer...awesome.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I'm excited for you guys. I think taking it slow is important and even more important is having clear boundaries set up. They just can't come across as controlling, have to be more about protecting yourselves
I agree on the boundaries. We discussed again tonight, and how it relates to control. She wants to manage OM the way she wants, without my input...so we'll work thru that.
She did talk some more about the PA tonight, and while I feel like she opened up, she also ended with "I don't want to rehash this every night." She's ashamed and doesn't want to relive it over and over...understandable. I told her, it hurts me too, so I just want my questions answered and to move past it....but we need to build some trust here.
I also specifically addressed not repeating the past, as in, not addressing the issues. She agreed. She also told me she felt pressure to "get in or get out" and I told her, "take all the time you need....I won't go back to limbo, but I do want you to make the right decision for you. It can't be because of pressure, or guilt, or fear...it has to be what you want."
. Do you think that now will be the hardest part??