"Do I want to be with a woman who lies and cheats? Hell no. If anything, I stood too long in the face of her blatant disrespect for our M. I allowed her to manipulate me, to frustrate me, to hurt me. No more.
I'm no longer standing for my M....I'm standing for me."
This crystalizes my sentiments to a tee BD. how close we are. The last couple of days I have been diligently trying to secure a new home. I bought a house today....for me and my kids. I feel more liberated. It took a long time, and I am still wounded but I know who I am again. She is a lost soul.
Go get 'em big guy. You are strong.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Thanks Mach. I knew you would say that, and I agree.
Floyd, congrats on the house....keep putting one foot in front of the other brother.
Kept busy this weekend....a few texts from W, but nothing regarding S18 or anything really important, so I just ignored.
Spent some time with my Dad, which was really good. Got home and worked in the yard and my sister called me. She said, "I just wanted to tell you I love you, and you are going to be ok. God has a plan."
I know I mentioned this in my bootcamp thread, but my sister and I have never really been close. Our parents' D really hurt us both badly, but in different ways. She spent much of the last 25 years under the influence of drugs/alcohol, but is recently sober and doing great. I called her last year to mend fences, and try to lift her up. And now she returns the favor. I am really blessed....and I believe her.
Wow, Breakdown. What a wonderful call from your sister!
I wish I could just let text go by the way like that when it's not something regarding our kids. Just when in I think I'm getting a handle on it I backslide.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I re-read my bootcamp thread yesterday and I will say what Mach1 has already said to me.....some things have changed dramatically....and some things are still the same.
Up til recently, I still struggled with W's relationship with OM (ok, it still bothers me, I'm just not confused on where I stand with it). I always wanted to say "we can make this work....but not with OM in it." Ultimately, I was afraid that if I gave W an ultimatum, she would leave. It was more insecurity, different than what I'm used to, but the same in a lot of ways. There was also that element of control I was trying to avoid, as it was a huge issue for us. Top that off with things seemed great, and there you go...recipe for limbo.
I see now that me not having enough self-respect to say "enough" allowed my W to cake eat. She has had the best of both worlds....loving, caring, financially responsible husband....as well as the fun, let's have a good time, OM. Who wouldn't continue down that road? I didn't make her choose, so she didn't.
I've managed to piece together most of what has happened over the last couple of years. She had PA with OM....he decided to work on his M, so magically things got better with us. But, they kept in contact, they still worked together, they still saw each other regularly. I think this regular contact was enough for my W to not want to "really try" at our M, or postpone the D. At some point, OM's W bailed and then my W started pursuing him again. All the while, she kept me in limbo...either because it was easier, or because of the house not selling, or she was simply confused. I really don't know.
When I found the pictures she'd been sending him, I was so angry and hurt. I barely talked to her, and that upset her immensely. Within just a few days, she was sleeping with OM again and telling him she loves him. I still don't get the vibe that he is sure he wants to pursue it long term, but my W sure does.
So, W will get my settlement agreement tonight or tomorrow morning and given that I had it written with what she asked me for, I fully expect her to sign. We also have interest in the house, so perhaps the stars will align and I can be out of this in the next month or two.
I'm getting better every day, but it's tough going.
You're a good man BD. We are down the same path. We have been used and abused. Lets move on as best we can. At least you have an agreement. Hope it is something you are comfortable with and equitable. Stay up pal. You will be good.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Hey BD, hope you are doing okay. Curious; does your older son mor daughter know of OM?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Hey BD, hope you are doing okay. Curious; does your older son mor daughter know of OM?
Hey Floyd....been an interesting few days, and I'm close to providing an update to my sitch. I'll probably have news by the weekend.
To answer your first question, yes, I am awesome. I feel great, am getting out, meeting new people, spending more time with friends, family and my kiddos. I feel really busy all the time.
As for your second question, I think S18 probably suspects. All the kids know OM....W has been working with him for years and we've been to their house for parties and such. S18 has worked for OM occasionally as well. I didn't tell them of the affair because I don't want them to think less of their mom. While I am huge on honesty, this is a case where I think less is better.
What I have told the kids individually is that their mom and I both failed each other at different points in the marriage. It's not the fault of one of us, we both share in the blame.
So, W will get my settlement agreement tonight or tomorrow morning and given that I had it written with what she asked me for, I fully expect her to sign. We also have interest in the house, so perhaps the stars will align and I can be out of this in the next month or two.
We had hammered out most of the details of the D, with only a few items remaining and a week ago, I was ready to sign the papers. I was basically LRT, happy all the time, going out, doing things I wanted to try, meeting new people.
Last Sunday, someone had posted about the blog, "Marry, Divorce, Reconcile" and as I read thru some of the articles, a couple of them really touched me. I thought, I'd really like to share this with W. I had mixed feelings about sending it, but eventually wrote her some things I was thinking (related to her lack of forgiveness and self-worth) and sent her an email with the links.
At the end of the email I basically asked her if she was absolutely sure D is what she wants. I fully expected her to say "I'm sure." Imagine my surprise Monday morning when she said "No, I do not want a D."
We've talked quite a few times this week, most of them productive, even when emotions ran high. There's a lot of issues to work thru, and lot to discuss. We're both really scared, but I think that only makes sense.
We've agreed to sit down today and finalize some boundaries. I've pretty much given her my list already, and she seems to be ok with them. Will be some challenges related to OM, but she seems to be up for them. We've already agreed to read "After the Affair" together and use that as a discussion point.
Outside of that, I guess my mindset is go slow, have a beginners mind, and start dating my wife
