Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

A few months before I even heard of DB's I was looking at various connections with thoughts and behaviors of people effected by personality disorders. I am a former counselor for an in-patient mental health facility and it just made sense to me to look deeper into the connections between the way my wife (ex) and I viewed things and what she said, and how she ended things the way she did in the end.
That research eventually led me to a few articles online at Psychology Today about Marry, Divorce, Reconcile....and since I was recently divorced, I was searching for all sorts of answers to the questions I had running thru my brain. The main thing I got out of that was that after reading DR, the woman in the article presented her findings to her husband (6 months post divorce), along with her rational for all of the why's and her sincere heartfelt apologizes for the way things had ended up the way that they did, and they eventually they began to piece and recover their R to the point were they remarried a year later.
Talk about inspired....wow...I thought to myself if they could do it I could do it. After-all, my situation wasn't even close to being as bad as theirs was...so ....that led me to about 80$ worth of books on marriage and relationships. The main one being Divorce Remedy...which led me to here and this site, and basically where I am today in my process.
Soon after that introduction I was given another inspirational book and story of reunification from a family member with a very different perspective, but with some similar underlying strategies. It was a story of a husband and wife reuniting after 7 years post divorce base on a deep Christian connection. The book was titled "I do Again" b Jeff and Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs.
As in the other situation, the woman presented her findings, as well as professions of change and desires for reconciliation....and eventually it did happen, it just went a lot longer time frame.

So where am I going with this you might be thinking....
I basically did some similar blends of both examples as well as following the advice of my DB coach (Jody is great BTW, however, in my letter to my ex, I only released my own faults and responsibilities and gave her the acceptance that it was over.
I have never begged her to come back or be taken back, but I in the beginning, have asked to at least be friendly and have a few chances to talk about things...as well as see the children....all of which have been denied, and met with a lot of anger as well as a "let me make this perfectly clear" response from her for me to move on, and leave her and the children alone.

I am in a place now where I am working daily on my GAL, my 180's, my health, ect. and trying to stay hopeful, and basically things are going along pretty well for me on the outside.....on the inside I still have my days, and my demons, and I still miss my family.

The advice I have gotten and for the most part followed, from DB is keep a low profile, minimal to no contact, and make myself better in every way I can...
I just received a reply back from a question i had in the church ministries approach to things and they suggested I write my ex another heartfelt letter, addressing all of my faults, my shortcomings and to express my desires to restore our marriage.

My gut told me that I basically did a little of that already, just that I didn't let it be known to my ex that I am still holding any hope for us.

I wanted to start writing another letter almost immediately, and had visions of her reading it with some sort of positive return....hey, remember I have 2 positive stories from above where it worked...but I'm a realist and I know the odds of that are slim to none, and it probably would produce even more distance since I now know she is moved to a more serious stage in her new relationship.

so..part of this post is venting, part of it is fishing for thoughts and advice on my situation.
Thanks guys!

[whitneypinch]

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up when I read your post.

This past weekend I spent it reading everything I could and I too came across the same articles/stories you did.
I wrote a huge letter to my EX about all that I was sorry for, what I had worked on and included all those articles/stories.
Of course I never sent it.

Over the last 2 months my XW and I have said very complimentary words to each other, hugged for the first time in 5 years, spoke how great of a job we are doing with our kids, both said we were sorry etc....... all the things I have longed for since our split...... except that a month ago she announced to our kids and I she is in a serious relationship. My kids are crushed and having real trouble.

I am sitting here jumping out of my skin as there is NOTHING I can do to facilitate working on our situation. I, like you, have found sooooooo many examples on how and why to fix our relationship, the low odds of new relationships working out, the research and first hand experience of the damage to our kids, etc. ext. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT..... my XW sees things in a completely different light.
She thinks the way our situation is, is great, and she wishes me to move onto another partner.

So there you have it...... I have worked SOOOOO hard to get to this state. I have reached every one of my goals, I have had some nice baby steps from my XW.... and it does not effect ANYTHING.

I am so frustrated right now as well.

So to answer your question... that letter is not going to mean a damn thing to your XW other than probably make her mad.

In the example of the story on Marry, Divorce, Reconcile the woman was the one that went back to her husband to reconcile. She was also the one that had the affair and initiated the divorce.
You and I are the LBS. Nothing will change unless its initiated by our WAW.

I feel for you my friend.... Its soooooo hard to see the possibility and not be able to effect change in our X spouse. We just want them to see what we see, thinking that will be the catalyst to change. It won't

[whitneypinch]

Oh and to add to all of this..... how awful is it for us that desperately miss our kids. Some of us on here are REALLY active with our kids.

My XW has no more anger to me anymore... she has been complimenting me on how great a father I am and how lucky the kids are to have me as their dad.
She is just not interested in a relationship.

I can't say 100% what my XW is thinking now but I can guess she feels badly seeing how much this is now starting to hurt ours kids and me.

Feeling really down today that I can't do a damn thing other than just move forward continuing to be the best I can.

[JJAC2005]

I need a little help right now....
I recently came back from a little vacation and am finding a lot of reminders of my wife and family everywhere along the way, and I have a very special date approaching to my "past life" situation as well.
I am feeling the urge to do 2 things....and they both have to do with contact.
I have not reached out in any way to my ex since early March, when I sent her a short little email to inform her that my mother had been hospitalized, to which she expressed a little concern, but didn't offer any more communication other than best wishes and prayers, so its been about 6 weeks (typical urge)
My wife will be having a Birthday coming up in May and while on vacation I thought of a perfect gift, and that sparked me having some sort of delusional fantasy that if I wrote her a short little note to accompany the card, it just might start a little dialog between us. The other form of contact was another attempt at a heartfelt letter about my thoughts and feelings....along with my desires to possibly see the kids again.
Both forms are chances....taking a chance that it could spark something (50/50 either way)
Now aside from my still missing my family my life seems to be picking up, busier and busier with projects, goals are being met, new opportunities popping up, and even more changes coming down the road. So, I have been doing pretty good overall....
I just cant get them out of my mind or heart for very long and honestly don't want to, but the ache still gets to me more than I want to admit.
So, I need to know if patience is my best course (my hardest lesson to learn) or if I send her a little reminder in May for her B-day would be a bad thing?
I'm confident now that she misses me less and less, probably not remotely curious as to what I am doing, so I guess I answered my own question....it wont do any good....but if it wont do any harm, why not take the chance?

[JJAC2005]

OK...2 more thoughts about making offers to reconnect.
I feel that my entire marriage was a prime example of the textbook mistakes people make on their way to a divorces...hence probably why I am divorced. My ex-wife seems to fit into the 2 categories of the WAW, and MLC.
Since we have been divorced she has been dating another guy, Im not sure just how serious it is but its serious enough or comfortable enough for her to move to the stage of introducing their kids to each others kids and spending nights together just over 6 months of me being out of the picture (her choice I know, but I feel its way to fast for the kids). I have for the most part tried to keep my distance, detaching (as much as I can), not be a pursuer, or to pressure her in any way. But some of my limited contact has been met by some angry replies, basically telling me that there is no chance she will ever give me a second chance and that she has moved on, and wants me to do the same.
That being said...I am once again here asking what are my options?
I am for the most part doing pretty well, my GAL is going on as planned, my health and fitness plan has me looking pretty good according to others, and I am getting quite a lot of offers to date if I would like to explore a few other options. However at this point, I'm almost feeling trapped in a state of limbo waiting for the fog to lift on my ex, for her to once again turn around and want to go grab a cup of coffee....or something!

Is there anything, besides waiting it out, GAL, doing work on me for me, doing my 180's, anything else that might be put out there to get a bite or a nibble?

[Cadet]

Lets say that she is in the middle of her MLC, being that you are divorced right now, could I ask why you would want to try to reconnect with her while she is in crisis.

I mean it is like putting a cake in the oven and wanting to eat it 15 mins later.

She and the cake are not yet baked.

You want her back when she is fully baked not before.

The OM is doing you are favor right now, he is taking care of someone in crisis. So what does that say about him?

Does that nake sense?

[whitneypinch]

Cadet,

Thanks for posting wise words.
I too am divorced and my wife just announced she is with someone else.

For the first time I am really trying NC and trying to disconnect.

Thanks for offering an enlightened perspective. It helped me be just a bit stronger to not connect her.

[JJAC2005]

Feeling down was exactly what I was feeling
And probably for exactly the same reasons

[JJAC2005]

I couldn't agree more and I'm smiling at my foolishness
I'm so glad that I posted something and somebody responded because it's just so helpful to gain some insight before we act on anything that we are thinking

[JJAC2005]

I think I may be in need of a few lessons in detachment?
Any suggestions?

I seem to be getting a life ok (albeit alone)….however I am doing a lot more social things and events.
I am still continuing to improve on me and my life…my 180’s…ect
My biggest concerns are that I am still sad about my loss most days (I think of this way more than I want or need to)..…I was thinking or hoping that it would have improved more than what it is by now ….but since the beginning of the nice weather I have been uncovering reminder after reminder of the ex and the kids (seems typical of grief the first year)….the good I take away from all of the pain is that my love for them is deep and very real…..and I know if I am given a second chance I will have all of my ducks in a row, and it will be hard not to notice the changes or improvements…that is if I even get one. (goal “numero uno”, be the type of man that only a fool would walk away from)
I find myself often engaged in some “grandiose” type fantasies about doing this or that and having things play out just perfectly to have my wife and family back….but I keep it all in my head, knowing full well the rules of pursuit and its more likely outcome….lol
At this point, I am still a mostly silent LBS with a “hope” that things change sooner than later….but then again….I know that later would be better for everyone….its just really hard when you ache to be loved and love again that which had gotten so messed up and lost
So…I need a little encouragement, if anyone has anything to pass my way that will help……Thanks