Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[AnotherStander]

Hello all, time for another biweekly update

First ,thank you all for the wonderful comments, I really appreciate the support

Next, I have a new GAL activity- Bingo! I never thought I was the Bingo "type", but I got invited along and thought "why not?" Of course I won the first time out which greatly aggravated the people I was with, LOL!

I've also been contacted by Habitat for Humanity, I've been volunteering with them and building houses, but the projects have been far from me (30 minute drive each way) which has been pretty inconvenient. They're starting a new chapter in my area though and they want to bring me in possibly as a construction coordinator. So that'll be fun!

Weather is getting very spring-like here and I've started my gardening activities too. I have a whole tiki-themed area around my pool, lots of custom pieces I commissioned a tiki artist in California to carve. Every year I have to sand all the pieces down and reseal them. Then plant some goodies in the planters around the pool and gazebo. It usually takes me a few weekends to get it all done, but it's relaxing work. The pool has a big stone waterfall and grotto with a seating area inside it, and I built a patio structure using poles and beams carved by the tiki artist. There's also a gazebo off the patio with a footbridge going over to it, the footbridge is made up of more pieces the tiki artist carved to my spec's. Then there are some free-standing tikis as well. Plus a tiki bar of course It's a really great summer hangout, the kids like to have friends over for parties during the summer.

W and I are still getting along fine although nothing has changed in our sitch. She invited me to lunch and dinner with her and the kids two weekends ago, then last weekend she asked if we could do the easter egg hunt at my house and then we could all go to lunch which I agreed to. Our kids are getting a bit old for the egg thing, but they still like to do it so what the heck I took some flowers over to W's and she had bought some of my favorite Easter candy.

Pathfinder2, what Ducati do you have? I love Ducatis!

LOVE LOVE LOVE the Castle analogy. How can I save it in "my stuff"

When I see something posted here that I really like, I copy it and paste it into a Word document I keep on my computer. It comes in handy for reposting in other's threads because then you don't have to go searching to find it!

nolongersure, congrats for quitting the A/D's, it sounds like you're doing fantastic!! I read so many horror stories on the 'net about the terrible problems people have suffered trying to get off of A/D's that I was very concerned about quitting them. But it's been over a month now since I took the last one and I've had no problems at all. No signs of depression or anxiety, and I've had a lot of really happy times with few down times. Actually I've been happier than I was before BD, I was so stressed out and worried so much about everything before BD but since BD I've come to realize that life isn't about everything working out perfectly because it NEVER does, so why worry? It's about taking what joy and pleasure you can out of life and not letting the bad stuff ruin it for you. The bad stuff is going to happen, we can sit around worrying about what it's going to be and how bad it will be or we can just have fun and deal with the unknown when it arrives.

Inside Out, I really like your thoughts on "being done", that makes a lot of sense I think the lesson I learned is even when we think we are done we STILL need to give ourselves more time because we may discover in a few weeks that maybe we're not as done as we think we are.

Keep it up AS!! Your definitely allowing her to live her life and living yours!!

Thank you and that really does sum up where we are right now. We're living separate lives that do have some crossover due to the kids. I really have no idea what W is thinking or where she is in regards to our R, I don't ask and she doesn't offer. I quit talking to family (hers and mine) about our sitch (but I do talk to them about other stuff) and now it's gotten to the point that they don't even ask, LOL! So we're in limbo, but it's not a "bad" limbo where I'm constantly worrying about things, it's more a peaceful limbo where we really are separate and detached. I don't know where it's going and for now that's OK.

[Pathfinder2]

AS,

How's your day? Hope all is well. FYI, I've got a 1098.

[AnotherStander]

Pathfinder2, that's a sweet ride

Well it's been another 2 weeks and my sitch has taken an unfortunate turn. For the first time since separation W went cold, like ice queen cold. She quit inviting me to lunch/ dinner, quit lingering at my house (and in fact seems to be avoiding coming by at all), turned down my couple of offers to have her join me and the kids for ice cream and the few kid-related texts/ emails I've sent her got a very brusque response. Activities with suspected OM have ramped up including an overnight camping trip last weekend with him and our D16 & S10. W has NEVER wanted to camp, EVER! I used to camp out a lot and go canoing, tried to get her to go several times over the years but she had no interest (we started renting cabins instead).

I called her to coordinate some things regarding S10 and at the end of the convo asked her how she was doing. Basically she said she hasn't changed her mind, she's done, she's ready to proceed with D. I asked why she had said some of the things she did at RetroV because she had said some hopeful things then including this whole scenario she wrote out regarding our future life together (cooking together, eating at the table as a family, praying before meals, etc. etc.) She said that at the time she really wanted to "want" that, but that in her heart she never did. Ever since BD she has continually expressed confusion, but in this convo for the first time she said she's not confused anymore, she's not scared of D anymore and she's happy with her new life away from me. She would like to proceed with D without involving lawyers, but she hasn't looked into it yet. She wanted me to talk to my brother because he and his X did D themselves, and I am going to do that but I'm not going to do any work on it beyond that. I didn't really validate her because her feelings about the whole thing were all positive, so there wasn't a need to validate, LOL!

I'm a little bit down over this, but nothing like BD. I fully expected this is where things were heading so it's not really a surprise. I'm not really bothered by the prospect of losing W (I've long since come to grips with that), my concerns are mainly centered around how the financial losses are going to affect the kids. We'll survive, but unfortunately it's going to be difficult supporting the kids through college now (D18 is already in college and D16 will be in a couple of years). We just became debt free last year with the intent of fully funding the kids' college educations, but now I'll have to take out a sizeable loan to pay W for her share of the home so not only am I losing the benefits of sharing costs with her but I'll be saddled with new debt as well. It's darned unfortunate, but that's my new reality so I'll deal with it.

S10 has continued to hold out hope that we would reconcile and D will completely crush him. I'm really concerned about that too.

Other than that everything is going great- we're staying busy at work, I'm still hitting the weights hard (I've missed maybe 3 or 4 workouts in 10 months), kids keep me hopping between scouts and drill team and basketball, I get the motorcycles out when I can (weather has been awesome when it's not raining), getting back into my R/C flying. I started tanning a couple of weeks ago, I've never been on a tanning bed in my life but D16 goes and gave me a referral card for 2 weeks free. I whitened my teeth a few weeks ago and between that and the weights and the tanning I have to admit I look pretty darned good I spent last weekend starting the process of getting my landscaping back into shape (mulching, planting new flowers, trimming bushes, etc.) My house is usually party central for D16 once the pool is warm enough to swim in so I need to get everything looking good for her party season

I have been on some casual dinner dates, really hit it off with one lady and have been out with her again. Have traded a lot of texts with her as well. She's fully aware of my sitch. I know it's still possible that W could change her mind, but that seems very remote at this point. I'm not going to jump into a full-blown relationship anytime soon though.

[Maritimer]

Sorry to hear about your turn for the worst with the reconcile. At least you are more prepared this time to continue improving your live without the initial sting of a BD.

My situation has gotten worse as well. Funny I have referred to the Ice queen label for my wife over the last few weeks as well. Seeing a Mediator tomorrow.. fun fun.

Got my Suzuki DR650 going last weekend so I am ready for some on/off road adventure riding! It will definitely help with the PMA!

[subguy]

AS, sorry to hear that, however I am happy that your in a better place than before. I received the D papers from my wife so... the race is on so to speak. I am wrestling with how to protect me and take care of my kids and not be a jerk. LOL

I purchased a 883 low, went riding last weekend and had a blast.

[JuneReN]

Hey AS, when do we get the pool invite?

I am pretty much in the same place you are...no D talk yet, but H seems content to lead his separate life, so I have begun to lead mine. Also just decided to go on a couple of dates, but also let datees know where I stand lmao.

You sound pretty good and I like that. Course you will feel a bit down and I hope S10 comes out of this okay

I understand about the whole camping thing...GF doesn't eat gluten, dairy, food in general lol, so neither does H, when he is with her. Seriously?? THis from a guy who thought fried food was a food group? Sheesh

[Intact]

Hi AS - I always really appreciate your advice on my threads and feel sad that your sitch has taken a turn for the worse.

I think it's amazing how steady you are about it. You really are a DBing inspiration.

[Papa4Life]

Hi AS - I always really appreciate your advice on my threads and feel sad that your sitch has taken a turn for the worse.

I think it's amazing how steady you are about it. You really are a DBing inspiration.

Ditto for me, Stander. You've got kids who love and respect you and you've got a whole forum of people who respect you and appreciate your wise council.

Heck, they should think about making you a DB counselor. You're full of good advice and inspiration and you're a role model of how to survive this hellish roller coaster ride with dignity and grace.

God bless.

[cbtdad]

AS, I am sorry to hear this man. You are one of my heroes though. You seem to be moving on with your life well and really seem to have a grasp in who you are. Even though this has to be hurting you, you have a positive outlook on things in the end.
The part where you talked about RetroV hit home with me big time.
That's where I think my W is at the moment. From things she has said it seems like she wants this to work. She has an idea what things could be like.
But her emotions are telling her differently.

[jp787]

AS,
I you find peace with your sitch and you continue down the road to making yourself happy. I do appreciate all of your post to me and reread them all often. I also hope that your S10 is doing well.