I didn't realize how many of my dreams and goals were intertwined with my marriage. Like the property we own. It is not fun to give up a home you love and sell it for less.
You are not gonna sell the house over night. If you continue to act calm and focused hopefully she will eventually see it makes more sense to keep the house especially emotionally for your d.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
If anyone is interested we had our 4 way meeting with the lawyers. It went we'll except for me having joint custody of my D. Basically my wife wanted to limit my time with D to be allowed to sleep over once a month and dinner once a week. Unacceptable. My lawyer worded it nicely saying living arrangements like that we're hurtful to my client. My wife's lawyer apologized and said well stbx had problems with visitations from her previous ex. No sh!t he was a jerk. Why is my stbx treating me like him?
As for the house my stbx had it appraised. Turns out I may not be able to afford to buy her out. After the meeting I talked to my lawyer. She commented how this was one of the fastest 4 way meetings they had. She also commented on how civil it was.
My stbx is a good person. When it comes to money she's not that good. Unfortunately she will have her SIL help her with her finances. Just as bad her SIL told my D she would be diciplining my D and keeping an eye on her grades. I would think this is something for mom and dad. Not the SIL who I think is a bit of a control freak.
My w and I attended a birthday party of a friend. We arrived separately and we left separately. She brought a friend of hers that makes me wonder of she was ger girlfriend. I it sounds stupid but this girl and my SBXW looked like a couple. Believe me I am ok if she likes girls I have to be but a least give me the respect to say this is what it is.
If years later she says she's gay I am ok with that too. Don't go and leave me for a girl and then say our m didnt work because I didn't care. I tried many times to tart over but you were not willing to budge I DB my assoff and still no respect. I still l her and hope someday we talk about this Ike adults
Would it be easier for you if you found out she was gay? And maybe that contributed to the issues? You're hung up on the blame portion. And in my experience, as long as that remains the case, you'll have a really tough time getting on.
Go on and allow that she will blame you. She will kick and spit and do all kinds of things to alleviate and soothe her own feelings. Give her that and accept that will happen.
Respect? From her? Really? What would that be worth, F? Let go of her blaming you, and I think you'll find the rest is irrelevant. Give it a go and let us know what you see...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I waited before responding to your answer. When I started DBing I was willing to put up with anything. I told her if she has a BF to spend time with him. She denied having another man in her life. She appeared from her behavior to like girls. I told her if she was interested in girls to go for it. She got very angry at me for even thinking something like that about her At that time and now I wanted to know from her that I wasn't the cause of her unhappiness.
The heading of this post is wake up and see there's a divorce.
I always knew it was coming and it will be here soon. If I didn't have my DB'ing skills I would have surely died. I hurt but not as much. I did my best to save our M but you can't do it alone. To this board I apologize for not mastering the skills needed to have my W fall back in L with me. Everyone who knows the two of us knew it was coming.
My point of this post is it takes two to make a hurting M work, but not at first. I maybe fooling myself but I think she worked on it for a brief time. I messed up. Possibly if I was paying attention this post would have been a success story.
I have good advice and feel pain when I hear about an R falling apart.
you know, i ask myself this alllll the time. why in the heck am i (in particular) in this sitch? i see all sorts of great and lousy r around me- great and lousy people, etc.
it's silly i think, but still i find myself thinking now or then - what the heck makes this person sooooo worthy of love and me not?
when you describe your sitch- it's mine allover the place. i "settle" for crumbs- why am i still here? honestly- i don't know. i keep thinking my gut will tell me when it's time to throw in the towel- i may be nuts or lazy or dopey- or all three.
in dbing for a couple years- i've become less miserable and frantic- still, am i complacent and just being a good ole doormat because that is wht i am (and possibly always was) to this guy?
it would seem i find out now- 37 or so years later- it's entirely likely he's been a liar and cheater forever. so- exactly where does that leave me and 37 years of memories and attachment? there alot of happy years- even if it's the last ten yea4s or so i find that he's been straying - wtf???
like you - i think i may be stuck. or unlike you- i don't presume to know the answer for you or me . it just sounded like me a bit reading your last post. i will go read all your thread and see what i think. my h finds EVERYONE in the world not me to be thrilling all of a sudden. for 25 years he worked and came home happy to see me- retired- and the secluded life he'd orchestrated (no kidding) he culled me from the herd- and now this...
anyway- ta da- you reminded me of me. my company is the last he is inte4ested in. sooo- i'm asking you- why do they stay with us? why does he call when he's in the fl house and im in nj (his devise) ? why doesn't he walk out of my life and make it easier on both of us? why am i supposed to be the guy to amputate my own leg with a plastic knife? huh?
any insight? i just stop people when they even begin to tell me what they'd do- they're all nuts and unless they're in my sitch (and none are) i do not want to hear it. i'm nice and pretty mamby pamby- but i manage to stop them. i can't deal with the judgement & advice anymore.
i feel like you i'm stuck and stranded and why don't i move on either- do you think there's an answer to that other than we're just not ready? no matter how many years?
i wonder all the time- sometimes i hate myself for my indecision. sometimes i love that i'm such a strong fighter for something (that used to be the most important thing in my life and source of happiness) blah blah blah-
i hope you find happiness in the end- me too- any wisdom to another person who is saying, thinking and feeling the same darn things and has a spouse tht sounds a heck of alot like yours?
I don't shy away from giving advice. In this case I can tell you more about my stitch, if others see any similarities; your welcome to follow.
Why did she stay. Basically I bailed her out of a lot of sh!t. We moved in together too soon after her D. She wanted her freedom so I took on the responsibilities of taking care of her son. At one point she begged me to marry her. I resisted for a few years before I asked her to be my W.
IMHO - She stayed because she was comfortable and secure. Had a built in baby sitter who she trusted to take care of her son. Today my step son and I get along together quite well. I believed her when she stayed out until the early mornings "just to talk."
I slowly gave into my needs to satisfy hers. Somewhere our paths moved in different directions. What I thought I gave freely was now taken for granted. We were no longer best friends. Her friends became more of a priority than family. Our daughter suffered and it was too late to recover from this train wreck.
So this is what I think is happening. Maybe in your stich he's staying b/c he's comfortable. Or maybe he's doing his best to find out what he really wants and needs. By DB'ing and writing down your goals will help you find out what the health of you M is at.
Sorry I wasn't much help. The key here is to focus on your DB'ing skills. It will prepare you for what is about to come (good or bad) and help you see what is truly going on in your stich.
