WFM, you are right. Noticing, acknowledging, and verbalizing what you are trying to change is a step in the right direction, but it does not equal accomplished change. Keep noticing, acknowledging, verbalizing, but try to do it as trends, not in-the-moment play by plays. Here is a challenge for you. Go from now until five days from now, rereading DB, practicing detachment, biting your tongue if necessary to keep from reacting and/or getting dragged into a negative interaction, never acting other than professional coworker with him, and in some free time definitely reading codependent no more and underlining anything that resonates with you, anything you see yourself in. Keep mental notes or a little notebook in which you bulletpoint things that went well and things that didn't in your actions, not in H's. Not a cup of coffee he bought, but a testy phrase from him that you recognized in the moment and chose not to take the bait. Where did you slip up and why, and where did you do well and why. In five days, come back and write down the trends, not the play by plays: for example, three times I noticed H make a testy remark and I ignored it, sixteen times I asked him are you mad - oops- and I noticed it sounded unprofessional so the 17th time I let him just experience his own feelings while I went along on my own way, one time I had an opportunity to ask him about our R and I didn't.
Can you do that?
On a separate note, you said:
Quote:
how will my h ever experience life without me, when I am right here. How can the "heart grow fonder" theory work, when I can't be "absent"?
A question back at you. You still work with him, what are YOU missing?
Now, keep working the program! Find yourself and heal yourself. Take care, adinva
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Advina, thank you for spelling it all out like that... that is something I can understand & follow. I will try to do as you asked, as it is what is good for me.
//"what am I missing?"//
I am missing a lot. I miss everything. Not sure I understand what you are suggesting here. Please explain. Tx.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm not challenging... I WILL DO IT, but can someone explain how me being "professional only" will help?
TX
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
WFM, I agree with the feedback here saying you are sounding much better these days. There for a while, you sounded like you were drowning. Now you sound like you're not panicking anymore.
Keeping your business relationship professional would not entail being cold or distant, but would mean that there are certain things you don't bring up or try to address. Think of your husband as an office coworker with whom you don't have a past. I know it sounds impossible, but maybe that's the way to approach this.
If you and he were just office coworkers, then none of this would be an issue. You would not be affected by things he did or didn't do. They would just be benign events that happened during the course of a day.
I really like Adinva's advice to keep a record of general events and how you respond and how it plays out. Looking at trends and patterns of behavior is impossible without a log. I have started a journal to track this in my situation. In this way, I too aspire to pay attention to what works and what doesn't in my R with my wife.
I have spent way too much time on "she did this and then I said that..."
mhm... except for the fact that I fear only ever being a co-worker and thats all. How can we ever be more again?
Tx P2... I really hope I am on the right track now. Its so hard when your rug has been pulled out from underneath. *Im sure you know!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"I fear only ever being a co-worker and thats all. How can we ever be more again?"
Stop putting the cart before the horse. While you are together, increase the positive interactions. You don't need to full on pursue him, but just get to know him again.
AND STOP ASKING PEOPLE TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU. Some things you have to rely on faith. Just do the actions and see what happens.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey WFM, there seems to be a little less franticness today. Good!
You cannot choose for him. You cannot choose that he love you, come back, start again etc. You can, however, choose for you.
You are not choosing for you. I know you think "But I choose H". He has told you, he is not, at this point choosing you. So you let it go.
And Bond is right...give stuff a shot. Sometimes DB X will work and sometimes it won't. You have to try to figure this out. What works for me or Ad or Bond may or may not work for you. But the base is there for you to work with and you have lots of advice to pick through and take what is applicable to you.
There really is no answer, just more questions. But we call it life, whatever shape it takes.
tx IO... its the waiting for WAS to decide that has my nose outta joint today. Who does he think he is? grrrrr.
Back to paperwork for me, then trying to hook up with neighbours for some wine time!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
The point of my question was this: You and he are only coworkers right now and you're missing him like crazy. Yet you say if you're only coworkers with him it's impossible for you to create space for him to miss you. The space is already right there. It's EMOTIONAL space.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
ok.. and you think EMOTIONAL space will be sufficient for him to miss me? Is that why you suggest to stay only professional? Let him miss the other stuff? (I have been doing this "prof/co-worker WFM" since February, with a few slip ups/backslides). He said he missed me, but there he is...still doing his thing.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
