we own a biz - pt 5

[Melting]

WFM, I have reread my post and would like to apologize for being out of line. You are definitely going through a lot and I feel for you. I really do. I truly hope you are well and take care of yourself.

[makingmagic]

Melting... I appreciate you saying that, but please do tell me... am I focusing on H, or do you see it as a 180(standing up) that I am needing help with?

Tx.

[makingmagic]

// The ONLY time the WAS comes back is when the LBS has completely dropped the rope and let them go. There are no exceptions. It usually happens because the WAS has experienced life without the LBS, has had time to process the hurt, and eventually gains perspective on the fact that leaving didn't solve their problems, that the LBS wasn't as bad as they made them out to be, that they may have had their own role in the breakdown of the marriage, etc. Once they've gotten there (and there's nothing you can do to promote that journey) THEN they need to see you happy without them. //

Was reading this on another thread from Accuray... I totally understand the above...I feel I have been pretty good with non-pursuit of my h, from pretty early on (with exceptions of a few backslides). I also see that distance/time/space has brought him back from the cliff too. However, I have a problem believing how this can work for me, when we work/see/speak together so much...how will my h ever experience life without me, when I am right here. How can the "heart grow fonder" theory work, when I can't be "absent"? I keep our convo's mainly about work.

This exact question was part of my original question from day one about owning a business, how can this work for me? I have been wondering for a long time.

[MrBond]

You don't need to be physically detached from him. Just keep things friendly. HOWEVER, if things start turning for the better, you don't need to be totally away from him. Every situation is different. There are no absolutes.

[makingmagic]

ok... thanks, didn't know that. MrBond, did you want me to read the chapters in DR about sex (ch 15) and depression (ch 13)? or are there things in there that are useful tools too. I think you will be happy to know that the library wants its book back, but I have decided to BUY IT! It is a tool I will forever need, and I really enjoy the story of Carol and Dean.

Another thing I have learned is that guilting, begging, pleading my h to come back, will not benefit me or our future rel'p. I do not feel the need to temp check or to R talk anymore. The next hurdle for me is to stop asking questions!! I now realize that HE has to WANT to come back because HE wants to come back. I realize the best thing I can do, is to let him go (and I have, way more than what I ever thought I could)...if thats what he really wants. I want him to work towards me so that I can be valued in our new rel'p. So, in turn will keep a distance so that he feels a need to reach forward...correct?

As he had months to prepare for our split, I am still devastated but am working the best I can. I know I am obsessed with losing it/him...and now me in the process. I am struggling to get me back. In discussion with my D tonight, she pointed out that I haven't even been helpful to my parents (living with them). I realize this and so tonight I did the dishes (small start), but thats how lost and hyper-focused I have been. Maybe, if I "fake" having a normal life back, I will gain some insight on how to live a normal one again. This separation is such a blow to me on every level. It's like learning to walk for the first time.

I hope people can be patient with me.

Tx to anyone who read.

[JuneReN]

They say fake it til you make it for a reason. After a while you begin to believe in it. . Remember, your spouse didn't get up one day and just decide to leave. That was the best ting I had read. Least I can do is give it some time,, he certainly did.

[ThisDayForward]

WFM your last post is the first post I've seen from you that shows slight signs you're finally getting it

[makingmagic]

ohh... ive been getting it, but just posting about the stuff I was struggling with. Honestly, I have gotten A LOT! Accuray's posts of tonight have been bang on... and based on that I feel good about some of my progress... still a long way to go, but the sooner I can get going... the better it will be.

Another thing I may start to do is limit my time on this site. I have been obsessing and that takes away from doing "normal" things like...cleaning, cooking, and watching TV... normal things that if I were to start doing again, I might not be so obsessed. At least I can fake starting to try... this seems simple but thats how far back I really am. So, I apologize if I can't keep up with all the threads. I need to be a little selfish at the moment and focus on me.

PON, I want YOU to know that I am a HUGE believer in Positive Thinking. I am successful because of my thoughts. I have even worked my magic and brought people from far away back into my life, 3 different relationships. Health too. At one point all was great in my life, except my R...so, with knowledge of my focus, I feel I actually brought my separation onto myself (with major regret now). For months, I have been trying to be positive again, but have been angry at myself and the universe. I am trying to find PMA again and I am pretty hopeful that I can bring my R back. I totally trust my thoughts are capable and can do this, as I have made exciting things happen. I really need to focus my thoughts again. Please continue to encourage me.

I have faith in my love and know that h still loves me.

[AnotherStander]

I just want him to understand, that if he is SOOO busy, I was just trying to help out.

Quit pursuing. You don't need to make him understand anything. Give him time and space and let him figure things out himself. YOU need to work on YOU.

I dont understand why he is so testy these last 24 hours...

Detachment is all about removing yourself from his emotional highs and lows. Did you already forget my post that you copied from another thread and pasted here into your own?

Attached: H happy, you happy. H sad, you sad. H angry, you angry.

Detached: H happy, you happy. H sad, you happy. H angry, you happy.

this must be detachment starting... H is soooooo busy (apparantly)

The very fact that you posted that 2nd sarcastic comment makes it very clear that you are NOT detached.

but since we are in the same business, what could he be sooooooo busy about that I am not in the loop.

Yup, definitely not detached. You have just got to stop obsessing over every little thing your H says and does.

This is bothering me, not knowing...

= NOT DETACHED

but, part of me is also saying he's doing whatever...so whatev. Let it go.

But you clearly can't just "let it go", and that is because you are not detached.

Why am I hammering this point home? Because saying you're detached does not make you detached. You need to BE detached, not SAY you are. I wish you could step clear of your sitch and read your posts with an impartial bias, because if you could see how needy/ clingy/ codependent you're being then perhaps you'd realize how badly you need to break the cycle.

[MrBond]

I think you should read it, because I'm a firm believer in learning as much as possible. And you never know. You might find yourself in a SSM or depressed situation.

I think you are doing a better job than when you first got here and are making big improvements. Just keep remembering to work with what you have and continue to have patience. You can do it.