I'm just second-guessing everyone else but I think what might be turning some people off is the sheer volume of questions that you have. I've also seen you hijack a number of other people's threads asking questions about your sitch on theirs.
The thing is that I think you should be at the point where you should just be doing actions on your own and not ask if it was the right one or not. You just do the action and see if it gets a positive result. You need to give that time.
One thing I noticed is that you blamed your H for you not doing the right thing. I disagree. He's not even around and yet you're on here constantly asking if you're doing alright. I think (despite what you keep saying) that it's just who you are. You probably didn't notice it. We're not your H so you don't have to "prove" or seek validation from us. Yet you do so time and time again. For that part of your life, I think you need to stop blaming your H and really look at yourself. Maybe you're just a natural people pleaser. Nothing wrong with that. But I don't think you should blame your H for it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
can I not have some credit for recognizing what needs to be done, and am working on it? I feel that the 180's I could be changing are things within me... for example not walking on eggshells .... which is why I posted... to see where MY mistakes were, not that I was focusing on him in the convo. But to see MY mistakes & learn from it.
I agree with you Tally, AS & mrBond... I am turning people off for my "QUESTIONS"... but, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it or answer me. I'm going to be OK with that (180 from a people pleaser). For those of you who perserve. with me.. Thank you. You may also be correct MrBond that i am seeking validation, never saw that I might be blaming H for it... will think about that.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I wasn't trying to beat you up or say you aren't doing anything right. Not at all.
I saw that AS posted something and commented that he has said it before, but feels you didn't read it. I have felt that way and I know Mr Bond has said it.
All I was trying to say, was that I think you might want to try to slow down a bit, and really read DB again, and read your thread/threads again. Then you might see a bit of what we all see.
Did I see progress in your convo, yes. However, you continuely put blame on your H. His feelings, his words, behavior. I know I've spoken to you on this many, many times. If you want to DB, or honestly have a happy life and interactions with humans...you have to put their actions out of your mind when you look at YOUR actions. No one can make me DO anything. I can justify it. Man, imagine all the things I could (trust me, and I do imagine ) to my H and these OW and would be totally justified. No one on earth would ever fault a pregnant woman with 2 small children who's H is doing the things mine is. But, who do I want to be?
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
"can I not have some credit for recognizing what needs to be done, and am working on it?"
Of course you get credit. AND people have been giving your credit for it. However, you put them off when you question them giving your credit for an action that YOU don't think is positive.
That's probably how it was in your relationship. Your H probably gave you positives and pluses, however because you didn't think they were positives TO YOU, you probably missed them.
"I am turning people off for my "QUESTIONS"... but, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it or answer me"
That's why some people have left your post, but you keep popping up and asking questions about yourself on other people's threads. They have their own issues to deal with.
"You may also be correct MrBond that i am seeking validation, never saw that I might be blaming H for it"
You've been doing that since you got here. That just seems to be your personality and there's nothing wrong with that. But you were blaming your H for that part of you and I don't think it was justified.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And I only say that, because when you feel "attacked" ie. someone suggests you could do something different, you justify it.
ALL OF US HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE!! We have done the things you have. None of us are judging you. We honestly want to help, but we aren't the sugar coating variety. There were plenty of "ata girls!" But all you see are the "but you could do's..."
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
waitingformagic, One thing I see in you that I also have a hard time with is the need for reassurance from others. I only point this out from reading your thread and I see some of me there and it makes me want to change that in myself.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Tx Tally... when I read "other" threads, I understand and see things better... when it comes to my own, somehow I cannot. I think its finally sinking in about your approach. I just need to put it into practice. Thank you for sticking by me.
As read on another thread from AS (he was like me):
//Oh man, well for sure I would take back the begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ crying. //... Thank gawd I have stopped this!
//The other thing I would change is learning to STHU and just listen and validate//.... I believe I have started to do this with H. It has been exactly one week since I have had that last R talk. I want to listen more! I cannot hear what he is saying, if I am talking!
//I eventually figured that out (with the help of DR, these forums and RetroV), but it took months and months to get there and in the meantime I spent WAY too much time talking and not nearly enough listening which for me was "more of the same" behavior because that's what I did throughout the M.// ... me 2, THIS is what I want to change in ME (one area), I want to be more of a listener. Being a listener, is to ask questions.
//And I spent way too much time trying to fix my M and fix my W. I worked on fixing me too and I certainly don't regret that part, but I was trying to fix EVERYTHING and not recognizing that W and the M were outside of my control.// ... I already know that my H is outside of my control.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
We are all trying to get you take focus off your husband and look at yourself . Really really look at yourself . You know why??? Because I wasted 1 year if my life on this forum being a victim and doing the blame game.
So yes bravo for recognizing and intercepting your behavior. Guess what that will need to continue on for the rest of your life. I have accepted that I will have to DB for the rest of my life if I want things to work
If you are just making changes to win back your H you will fail and he will see right through it but.... If you start focusing only on you and make true changes he will come back and if not he is a fool for leaving
Treat your business as a day job and him as a peer.
Are you going to any self growth stuff? Local church or women's retreats? Counseling or effective communications ? How about going to the 5 love languages website and taking quiz and discovering your own love language . And then guess your husbands . Maybe your husband isn't capable of speaking in your love language. Maybe this will help u with expectations or shine a light on some stuff. FYI my W doesn't always speak my LL and I'm learning to learn another LL.
If I didn't care I wouldn't post . Believe me I know your sitch sux. Bond once said stop trying to figure out craziness. Maybe u need too do same and start doing your work
PON... I appreciate it.. I dooooo. I have been taking it off him and onto what MY faults are (until going on this site, I have been unable to recognize them). The areas that need work: I am hyper-focused (in all projects/h), co-dependent, need my confidence back, I need to not be on egg shells with him, I need to see this as my problem (not his), I need to not care what others think (althoug I always will), I need to stop looking at others for reasurrance (tx jp)... anyone else care to jump in?
Ohhh.. I am NOT making any of these changes for HIM. I need these things for myself and to show strength to my daughter.
At this time, I cannot do much for self growth. This is high season for us, and I need to focus on business. I didn't know I could go to that website, I will... but If I post about it, don't think I am "focusing" on h.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
) to my H and these OW and would be totally justified. No one on earth would ever fault a pregnant woman with 2 small children who's H is doing the things mine is. But, who do I want to be?