My comment on asking her to leave. As many here attest, confronting generally leads to denial. If there's proof and they admit, they generally won't quit.
While I know there are some members on this board who confronted and it stopped the A and lead to R... well, your mileage may vary.
Again, asking her to leave is likely to have the same results. You are getting advice not to leave. I'm sure she's getting the same advice. Unless she chooses to leave, she's probably going to stay.
In my case, I left. I would not be with someone who was in an A and I knew she would not leave. That was not an easy choice, but I did it. I have no doubt that the results would still be the same, if I had stayed.
If your W is going to regret her choices, it will be for her own reasons and in her own time and not because you gave up and moved on.
The complaints she has are: That I do not listen to her, she feels I take her foregranted and that she is left to make all the decisions and be responsible.
She has decided to move out on 1 May and has a lease on a house nearby. She feels she cannot trust me on ultimatums about leaving and that if she stays and I change my mind and tell her to go she will have limited options.
She resents me because she considers I am in a stronger position on the house and financial situation. She has given me a price she would accept to buy her out, there is no doubt I could buy for a lower price but it would damage our relationship.
She says affair is over but will not commit to NC, I therefore think she is lying. I have seen some MLC signs but I think this is a WAS sitch, she has been unhappy for a long time, longer than she admits and cannot see it turning around. I think I need some help with implementing LRT. I have not tried to pursue but what I am doing is not working so I need to change my approach.
If she moves I feel I should tie the legal side down in regards the children and a shared residence, this feels like closing the door. As does agreeing a price on the house and buying it. Problem is if do not she might see it as not letting go.
I could do with some help
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
At the start she announced she wanted to separate, she would not consider therapy, counselling or really to discuss it. Three weeks later I discovered the affair. She said it started after her annnouncement (and therefore was not really an affair because we had split!)
She has said she never felt a connection, that she was taken foregranted and had to make all the decisions in the relationship. Certainly now she feels we could never make it work.
I know she had issues around her father relationship and being in touch with her feminive side, also turning forty so I had thought an MLC. Now I think she is in fog as she will not go NC from other guy and she has already lied about seeing him when she said she would not.
five months down and she is now seeking help and looking inwards, though I think she blames me for a lot, including serving proceedings in relation to the children. I have since withdrawn and did so as a last resort because she would not make any agreement or even discuss options with me.
I need to focus on myself and let her go.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
You say it is good that she is looking inwardly and doing counselling, at the moment she does not believe we can work. I think she will choose to move out on the 1 May. Is thios good because it is WAS not MLC?
I really feel we can make this work, of course I cannot tell her this, I need to prove it by action on myself and by listening to her.
She had over the past five months dealt with some MLC type issues, for instance she lied about her age, even to the children, she has stopped doing this and is accepting her true age now.
I cannot stop her moving out, it worries me that if she does that will be it, I know I must stay calm and focus on improving me.
When people talk about validating the feelings, are you saying agree and say you understand, without judgement?.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
RW, you are correct. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to stop your W from moving out at any time, whether now, May 1, or at some later date.
Her wanting to move out is likely, at least in part, to be due to pressure she feels. Understand, it may not be (just) YOU that she is feeling pressure as the home itself may provide reminders to her of a life that she feels she can not be happy, in. Sometimes, the journey of Transition / MLC requires physical changes via travel or moving.
Rather than focusing on whether your W is going to move out or not, focus on GAL. Which will keep you occupied and out of her way, which may help her feel less pressure. It's all you can do.
Yes, validation is an act of acknowledging some else' feelings as valid, without judgement. Also, once validated, the person validating should not dwell on the subject. Validate and let it go.
Just to be clear, validating is not saying that you agree. You may not "agree" or come to the same feelings regarding the subject. Just that you understand that someone has those feelings.
Joined a charity bike ride 30 rides in 30 days from let's asptil. Sill help me lode some weight and focus on GAL
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Joined a charity bike ride 30 rides in 30 days from 27 April. Will help me lose weight and GAL
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
