I don't think it was "missed". I just think you keep asking specific questions that show how much you're missing the big picture.
Maybe you told us before but I'm sorry, I don't recall:
What are your H's chief complaints about you?
That is what you should be working on, not maneuvers on how to play him to get him back. It's becoming very tiring trying to get you to see this all-important task.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
The ONLY complaint was that we were fighting too much. And, I can't even recall what the fights were about. They were often and the volume was loud & infront of others. Things like his ways on me, getting mad at me for parking in the wrong spot, not being able to be a clairvoyant (I should know better), saying things like "he doesn't like the way I think".
I am not trying to "play him"... I want him to come back because HE wants to be back, and nothing less. I deserve this much, so I am not trying to trick him back. I want someone/him to want ME, because I am worthy and a good person.
With that being said, can someone review my last interraction with him and tell me if that's ok or against DB'ing? All I am trying to do is finally stand up for myself! This is a HUGE 180 for me! and I am feeling bad about it. Feeling like he is going to be mad & have MORE reason to be separated from me. He will feel like I am not a good business partner now. (He says this crap, I believe it)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
SS... Its on order!! Fyi, I have just read the story of Carol and Dean in DR, it seems similar to my sitch.
What is your thought to my standing up today?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
You're draining. You don't listen. If you did you would stop talking about your H. Your so hyper focused on him no wonder he shuts his phone off and drinks. If you don't think he can sense your obsessing you're wrong.
I don't think you should be doing 180s related to business. You should be doing 180s on other aspects of your life.
Why doesn't he want to spend time with you right now ? You're kidding right? He can't stand you right now .
My sitch was miserable for 3 years with wife's depression, anxiety,panic attacks. Took me 3 years to look at myself and stop trying to fix her.
She is the exact same person from 3 years ago. Maybe a little different. I learned to let many things roll off my shoulder and try to coral my adult child
You don't get it. You need to fix yourself. Stop asking why your h doesn't want to be with you
Sorry u are sad. I know it's tough. But you hinge on him so bad you do it to yourself
""too short of notice for me. I can't make it this time. good luck. keep me posted!""
Your D understands DB more than you do it seems. Stop trying to look for validation here. It's obvious that's what you've been trying to get from your H for years. You're afraid of doing the wrong thing. There is NO right or wrong things. This isn't like working a piece of machinery. It's all by trial and error.
And besides, it wasn't YOU who came up with the boundary. it was your D.
You have to get to the point where you come up with those things on your own.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
yes, I am afraid of doing the wrong thing... for years... because I was always told it was the wrong thing! So, this turned me into a person who would then ask for h approval first. That doesnt work either! Nothing works!
Give me 1/2 credit, at least I knew not to jump to his last minute request... I just didn't know how to respond back.
I guess at this time, whats the worst that can happen? he will leave me? Uhhhmmm gee!
PON... don't you want me to post my "crazies here & not let him know about them?" He has no clue! As for 180 in business, you think its ok for him to be one way and I have to behave another? I am just standing up here. For example, its ok for him to not be available on Sunday, but expected me to be available 3times today, and then "on call" when he wanted me to drop for an unexpected client.
PON.. when you suggest that I stop discussing him, how can I ... when I have so much interaction with him that I am trying to process? Am I supposed to just internalize it, not post here, and go 3 days, till I can tell you all?
My 180's have to include business, most/all of our issues have to do with the business, because we weren't doing ANYTHING else, inspite of my requests for rel'p.
One of my new/recent 180's are to recognize that I am trying to control this situation. As much as I vent on here, I really am trying to back off & let what happens happens. So, when he is nice... I post here & am nice back... when he is distant... I post here & am giving space back... Is this not DB'ing?
I am putting my sitch in God/universe, and trying to trust that there is something better for me! Either way.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Thanks Gabbysmom. I moved out of HIS co-owned joint house with his Mom. Which is what he wants to do next, after we downsize our inventory (which partially sits at that house). He doesn't want to live with Mom anymore, he has made this very clear to me. Infact, he wants me to buy a house so that he can be jealous/envious & wanting to see me independent??
I thought that by posting my latest 180 was about ME. What I am DOING to help ME. I don't understand why its not coming across like that. I thought I would get support, its making me 2nd guess it now.
I appreciate everyone's help... I really do.
PON... How does he go from sending nice texts/calls, etc to can't stand me? I disagree. In reading DR today, aren't I supposed to enjoy them internally as baby steps? Why take them away from me?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sweetie, do you think you can get to the point where you aren't even thinking about your H except as a co-worker? Because, for your sanity, that's kind of how you have to adjust your thinking. Otherwise, your Co-dependency on your H is like the cement blocks that are keeping you underwater. You aren't going to be able to breathe and move forward until you cut the chains. And your H isn't going to even consider coming back until you stop trying to drown him with your expectations and pressure.
Go out, live your life. Do things that bring joy to you, independent of him (including not thinking about texting him, what he's doing and why he is doing it). That's what makes an attractive woman. And that's what will help you start to see the value in yourself as an individual.
