we own a biz - pt 5

[makingmagic]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...572#Post2336572

PON...of course I am listening, but like you just said it took you 3 years!... its been 3-4months for me. I still depend on him for happiness, because HE is who I want. How do you give up on a dream? What do you expect me to be like after 20 years?

[Pathfinder2]

I think what PON is talking about when he says "3 years" is that it took that much time for his situation to play out. I'm sure that he reached a point of personal equilibrium much earlier than that.

wfm, your'e a real pit bull! You don't give up easily. That's good. If we can get you do redirect your fervor to working on yourself, I think you will be fine. Your husband may find you quite the "handful" and could very well be struggling with this. You're supposed to be his dance partner. Stop trying to lead him, and let him lead you.

PON, do you care to clarify what you last said?

[makingmagic]

P2.. yes, I am a pitbull... to a fault, at times. H likes my pitbull approach for business, but not to our arguements. I need to learn where to stop. I am a pitbull for things I am passionate about. When I take on a project or rel'p, I go full force.

I am having difficulty with detachment. How am I supposed to not feel the ups and downs? just because I say/this forum says to detach more...but how do you actually get there? I want what I want (HIM), and have let him go to go do what he needs to do. I am totally different than what I thought I would be like, thanks to this group/forum. I still want to be the clingy, desperate, ily person....but am witholding with all my might!

I know he says things like "if, he says maybe, i turn it into yes & run with it", therefore fearing to test with me...

please advise what specifically I can do to work on myself. Its hard to know what I will be like, if I haven't been presented with a "situation" to be tested.

[makingmagic]

ugh.. i am losing it!... EVERY Sunday (so it seems), H turns off his phone, and It drives me insane. Apparantly, he spent the night again at his guy friends house.... this bothers me. He never ever used to do this (socialize) and now he makes the time to do so, and sleep over so he can drink. I don't get how he would rather be doing that, than having time spent with me & D. D & I would beg him to do fun stuff with us, and he was always "too tired"... how does he have the energy now?

I am discouraged...BIG TIME !

[Pathfinder2]

Is there something you can do that YOU like and that you are PASSIONATE about that have absolutely nothing to do with your husband or your business?

You have all this energy that you need to dissipate. Instead of investing it in your current marital situation, you could put it into something that YOU control.

I like control. I am a risk averse person by nature. I like to have things under my control. A lot of it is rooted in fear. Fear causes us to like to control things. I find that if I have something else I can control, I feel better about life in general. (I also am learning that I really don't have anything to fear, but that's a different matter.)

I exercise control over MYSELF by working out at the gym and eating healthily. That is an area where I can "control" things and no one is worse for the wear. It is actually a healthy habit.

What about you? Where can you expend your energy?

[makingmagic]

I go for walks... I haven't figured out my hobby yet (might be rollerblading, will see).

[makingmagic]

For those of who got their marriage back: Did you ever find out WHAT your WAS was doing the entire time they kept you stringing along? Where was their head? What did they think?

I just want to understand where there head is at, and why they keep us on the shelf.

[Pathfinder2]

your best bet is to query one of the WAS who frequent this board, helping all of us like 25yearsMLC or Sandi2. They are a wealth of knowledge and insight into what the WAS is thinking and feeling.

[makingmagic]

ok.. Vets? & other experiences... Please help?

[MrBond]

How much of DB did you actually read? You're still asking the same basic questions.

You're even obsessing over OTHER people's situations. All stiches are different. In some the spouse had a "reawakening" and totally changed their lives to make the marriage better. Some just went back because they didn't want to be alone or it was for the kids, etc. Sometimes they would say what they did when they were gone, sometimes they don't. In the end it doesn't matter. Your H left you because he felt that being alone was better than being with you. That's where his head is at right now and it's your reality. What you do when he's gone is up to you. Not for your H's sake, but for yours.

You are the one who is supposed to be detached enough so that it doesn't matter what your H is doing.

Oh and BTW,

"I think what PON is talking about when he says "3 years" is that it took that much time for his situation to play out. I'm sure that he reached a point of personal equilibrium much earlier than that."

No it DID take three years for him to get a point of accepting things. It was only recently that he was able to do so. There are MANY stories, mine included, where it took YEARS before the WAS even attempted to look back at the LBS.

You've got to get to that point.