Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[Pmac21]

JJ, it looks like I'm still on moderation so I don't know when this will post, but I wanted to thank you for posting this:

"It is almost as if God is playing a hand in any of my reconnecting efforts currently…he is either letting me know that…(1) I’m not in a place solid enough for reconnecting with my ex yet….(2) My ex is not in a place that she needs to be to reconnect with yet….or… (3) The entire reunion isn’t meant to be?
We all search for the answer…we all long to hear what we want to hear…and when it come to the unknown factors that be, we baulk at giving up control……and for any of you that are in a similar boat as I am….I have one little piece if advice for you in the form of a prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

As you know, I am in the same boat as you. I think we should communicate it directly that we forgive them for their actions (if there were any) and that we want to reconcile but we cannot be their friend (friend zoning is a big no-no as it only allows them to use us so they can heal emotionally). Then we must detach and move on. They will have to either get to the point that they miss us & the life we shared and contact us to ask for reconciliation or they will move on. That is placing it in God's hands.

I feel there is something to what I read on these boards about how people can't miss you if you're still around. The other way I've heard it said is that a dog doesn't chase a parked car. Meaning, if we move on with our lives and get happy (what God wants for us), there is a chance our ex's might get re-attracted to us at some point down the road.

Needy, clingy, desperate behaviors are clearly unattractive. And, some of our ex's have personality disorders, going through MLCs, etc. that were at the root of why their feelings changed or fueled their affairs and/ or their current thinking. These dysfunctions can make it nearly impossible to get them to change their minds in the short term. Some build up an emotional wall around their decisions and will refuse to be deterred from the course they've set, no matter how damaging to themselves, their children, or their ex's it is. Their selfishness is really hard to fathom. Which begs the question, why do we still want these former partners? For me, it's my faith in God. The Bible tells us that if we should not divorce and if we do, we should reconcile with our spouse.

Trust me when I tell you that your ex cannot possibly have anywhere near the relationship with her BF that you did over the 8 years you were together. But, her "need" to end your marriage and to get into another relationship, the luster of the honeymoon period, and the chemicals that are released during this phase of the relationship are going to be far stronger than anything you can do by trying to bargain with her through pursuing her. She has to come to you.

I don't have any threads with examples of folks who have rekindled after D, but you should be able to find them if you look. It usually takes a catalyst though. Some of the catalysts I have found are things like the WAW having a financial or other hardship that returns them to their ex or they go through a BU with a rebound relationship and begin to see their former marriage in a different light. Others (far fewer) have an epiphany for what was lost and simply long for their ex and re-connect.

For me, the WAW who reaches out to their ex is the best scenario because they have clear interest in possibly rekindling. For you and me, we are in situations where our ex's are nowhere near wanting us back. The only thing we can do for now is all the DB stuff like GAL, 180 (hard to do when you're in LC/ NC), etc. Essentially absence has to make their hearts grow fonder or it wasn't meant to be. I'm in a little better position than you because I will see my ex from time to time because of our girls (even though we exchange them at her Mom's so I don't have to actually see her; helps my healing).

This is important for you to know: For months during & up to about 7 mos after the D was final, I was in frequent contact with her (although we were physically separated) over a wide range of topics (including telling her how much I missed her, wanted her back, etc.). NONE of this worked. Actually, I think it pushed her further into her new BFs arms! There have been some extended periods of LC here and there (particularly within the last 2 months) where I just learned from my daughter that "it drives Mom crazy when I don't return her text messages". Furthermore, after we had a minor disagreement over text, she asked me not to be mad and asked me to please not go into "no communication again". The bottom line is that the better I get at detaching from her, the more interested she has in why, and she always tries hard to reestablish a dialog with me, even if she has to use the girls to do so.

In my situation, my ex has been extremely used to me being an important part of her life, even during and after the divorce. By my "being there" for her over the past 11 months, I never allowed her to fall on her face & miss me and I made the transition to life without me easier for her. Meanwhile, she continued to build her relationship with her BF behind the scenes and just when I'm getting better at implementing LC, he's in a position to take over the emotional support I was being used for. I was an idiot. Don't make the same mistake.

Keep us up-to-date on your progress.

[JJAC2005]

Can someone touch on back sliding emotions ??
PLEASE!

I seem to get thru about 2 or 3 weeks of NO contact....thinking I'm doing really great, then I get a whopper of a memory tug and seem to be at the beginning stages of missing the family all over again.
Just [censored] to start to get 2 steps fwd then 3 back....wanting to try to force a fix in there somewhere (knowing damn well it wouldn’t work and probably do the opposite).
The situation is what it is, I am divorced, and the ex has moved on to another relationship...its obvious now....and she basically has asked that I do the same, not wanting to allow any room for any type of friendships to develop (my thoughts are she’s afraid of weakening) or allowing a continued relationships with the kids that I have gotten so close to for the past 7 plus years(She's definately trying to hit me where it hurts, but again, my gut tells me she’s also protecting herself).
Whenever I see another family enjoying a fun activity together I think of how much fun we all use to have doing similar things.

So for those of you that have been here....what might I do or try to do differently that will ease these periods of raw emotion?

[JJAC2005]

as a follow up...and to expand a bit further on the contact I mention above. I have always tried to respect her wishes for space, never really pushing back very hard, but as it turns out in the past 3 months I have reached out to her in a very minimal way to offer a gesture of friendship.
I know that it was the opposite (on my list of 180's) of what I should have done, but does anyone really think that I have already wrecked any possible future contacts from her way?
True love is wanting only the best for her....and I do...even if it hurts that she is able to move on to another relationship.
I realize that the kids are fine with their mother, but wonder about how much they might miss or think of me?

[Cadet]

I know that it was the opposite (on my list of 180's) of what I should have done, but does anyone really think that I have already wrecked any possible future contacts from her way?

The best way I can answer this question is to say that you can not speed up this process.
However you can slow it down.

So did you wreck any possible future contact from her, probably not.
It is possible when this is all over she will not even remember 1/2 of what happened.

BUT - Are you slowing down when you are going to get to that point. - YES!

Begging, pleading, pursuing will slow down both her healing and your healing.

Best to speak through your ACTIONS not your words.

Let the results speak for themselves.

I hope that makes more sense.

[JJAC2005]

I'm having a pretty shitty week....6months post good-bye!
I just don't get it....I don't get how I can have so many positive things happening for me and my life and still be so miserable (at times) in my heart about missing my wife and family. (God, Do I miss those kids!)
The thoughts never seem to leave me for very long....and although I do still have "hope" for a second chance....I'm not very confident or optimistic about getting one.

[4311]

I just don't get it....I don't get how I can have so many positive things happening for me and my life and still be so miserable (at times) in my heart about missing my wife and family.

Why do you find it so difficult? Why don't you "get it"? Life, most lives, are very complicated and intricate creatures. Our minds are never far from analyzing multiple aspects of our daily lives to a fault. Indeed, these thoughts are usually overlapping and fighting to gain priority and significance. Add to that the highly stressing times of a major life change and we're lucky we make it through the day!

Seriously though, the thoughts and feeling you are having are natural and expected - and they can be healthy as well. It depends on the frame of mind you choose to hold and the actions you choose to take (yes, it's a choice). You sound like you are working on many positive things - keep at it. You also sound like you get dragged down by missing you family - completely understandable.

Work at understanding the roots of your thoughts, creating goals to reach for, and...and...understanding the connections and feelings we have for others in our lives don't simply disappear - nor would we want them to...

[JJAC2005]

What is everyone's best way to keep from back-sliding?

[whitneypinch]

Boy, is that the $100,000. question !!

Try to keep as busy as possible.
When you feel you are going to backslide contact others on this board.

When all else fails, know that you are a human and it's going to happen from time to time.
If it happens, dust yourself off, forgive yourself as it did not destroy anything and learn from it.

Today will be better.

[JJAC2005]

I was just blessed with a surprised chance encounter with my 12 year old step son. (yesterday)
He was playing with a friend at the corner of a street by a park near the place I was dog sitting for a friend of mine...not to far from our old home. I was driving down this street and as I approached I recognized that it was him and he recognized it was me, and I had to stop and say hello....It had been 6 months since we had seen each other. As I got out of my car, he was running across the street to greet me, huge hugs...huge smiles...I miss you, love you so much dad, I think about you all the time we both exchanged the exact same sentiments about how much we missed each other.
I was excited and nervous about seeing him in person like this, as I know his mother had set up blocks to prevent him from contacting me.
Besides the fact that this was a great moment of joy and happiness for both of us in just a brief (way too Brief) 10 min reunion....I cam away from it ecstatic! And as it turns out for more that a couple of reasons.
The obvious was that I found out that both him and his sister still miss me, and think about and talk about me all the time, and had often asked if they could still see me. (they still love me!)
Secondly I found out that he is an amazingly insightful young m man for 12, as he explained why mom had told him he couldn't see me during that time frame, as mom needed her space(for what, I don't really know but can guess). But he still has my number and will wait till he has the ok to call me...
He also told me that mom had been sad and depressed at times, and when I asked him what about he said she missed me. (proof that WAW do have feelings)
I was curious as to that response of his observation because I have know her to be in a relationship with another guy just less than 2 months from her ending our contact. And when I inquired about his friend he told me that it was the son of moms new boy friend, and that the boy friend, his daughter and son had come to town to spend spring break with them.
WOW, I thought, that was fast....probably way too fast, but reminded myself that was her choice to make and that's her life, and she's in charge of that. But definite proof to me that she is in a full blown rebound relationship that gave her no time to reflect, but only helped her to block out her pain.

I had a great moment yesterday and don't want to analyses it to death here, but I believe that I can take away some pretty positive signs and know with out a doubt now that I am still thought of fondly, missed deeply and still loved in various ways by what was my family.
Keeping hope alive....without expectations...can get trying to us all! And all we want is a sign that its worth it!
Learning patience, keeping my distance, until otherwise invited for change and sticking to making myself even better is the best reward of all.
That in itself is worth it...no matter what happens!

[whitneypinch]

Wow, that was a great post.
I LOVE this site for exactly that.

Thanks JJAC2005 !

May times our minds jump to the worst case scenario. It's nice when the negative "stories" we believe in our heads turns out to be not so negative in real life.