H and I are both recovering alcoholics. I have a ton of sober and not sober alcoholics in my life. I have been going to ala-non for 5 months and it has been instrumental towards learning to detach with love from my loved ones.
Honestly, it's become more important for me right now than my AA meetings.
As for your daughter, they are both adults and can certainly manage an R on their own. I wouldn't make any comments to let you know it bothers you. But answering "ask her" politely and kindly when he asks about her is a good thing to do. Puts the responsibility on him. I work really hard not to put guilt on my H. He is the one who is responsible for his R with our kids. He can see them anytime he wants.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I don't mean to open a sore spot. If you can, can you explain the diff between ala-non and AA? I am glad that this is helping you. You seem so strong! Inspiring!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
ala-non is for people who's lives have been effected by an alcoholic and AA is alcoholics anonymous, for alcoholics.
No sore subject.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
wfm--- I absolutely agree! She is one of the strongest women I have had the honor of knowing!
((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I have a friend who recommended Al-anon to me even though alcohol is not a problem in my sitch. What do you think? Is it useful in general for learning to detach, even without an alcohol problem?
Sailing, a friend is recommending the same thing to me! Would love some insight T. She said it really helps with control issues (major problem of mine!)
Wow, ladies. You have no idea how much that means to me. I'm having a pretty emotional day, and feel less than strong. Icame into work and had misunderstood my boss Monday, and made a mistake with a client...and burst into tears. Haha. My boss was like "um...eh..." He knows what is going on. I've never cried infront of him, even when telling him my sitch. So through the tears I said "I'm pregnant, exhausted and a little overly emotional today. Give me a minute..." Good lord!! Then I just grabbed my phone and texted H:
Me: messed up at work. Started sobbing...I'm going to run away from home. H: UR pregnant, no crying in baseball. Me: I'm serious, I'm loading up the kids and heading to Idaho. I'm gonna live off the land. Wait, I'm crap at chopping wood. U come for that. H: How big was the mistake? Me: Not big. I hadn't snapped out of a "pathetic" mood, so this just topped it off. Thank for knocking me up, it's really helping me with my goal of being the crazy emotional woman who cries at work. H: Your welcome. I hate when you are sad Me:Just read this: There are 2 ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectaions. See, something WANTS me to move to Idaho. I have zero expecations anymore. H: Does that mean you hate me? AND THIS IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE SAID: NO and went back to work... Me: Of course not. I shouldn't have texted you. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. I'm pregnant. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I just cried at work, so I reached out to u. I'm really ok. I just need to have more patience for myself. H. Well said & I get it. Don't ever b ashamed to be u around me. I'm safe Me: K. Back to work! There's no crying in the stock market...
I haven't texted anymore. Blarg. I have trouble being vulerable around anyone, but right now with H...hate it. It's a positive that he reacted the with compassion and concern. 2 months ago he screamed at me for crying, but still. I hate it.
Now to detach and stay backed off.
"I have a friend who recommended Al-anon to me even though alcohol is not a problem in my sitch. What do you think? Is it useful in general for learning to detach, even without an alcohol problem?"
Well, it is for each member to decide if they belong. No one would kick you out. Ha. I do believe that the literature would help at a minimum. It is all about detachment and letting other people be themselves and live their lives, regardless of how distructive it is. Go to the website and check it out. google ala-non. We can't link things here.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, and I did their 4th step workbook...um. Yeah, if you have control issues. It's good for identifying and working through those.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Just venting. I was paying bills through our bank accounts and I clicked on his. Saw that he ate yesterday at a place in her town. He has no reason to be there for work or any other reason than to see her. Makes me extra sad for my kids, considering I don't work tuesdays, so he could have eaten with them. Oh, let's be honest. For me too. I assume he is seeing her all the time, so it's not like that is new.
Plus, I'm just really emotional today. (see above post, ha) Just missing H. I think it is worse now that he actually is being kind, opening up to me and moving more towards me. He was going to bring the kids over saturday evening to dye eggs and everyone spend the night so we could both be here for them to wake up to their easter baskets. I need to really think about this. Last time we ended up ML and he slept in our bed. Doubt that would be different. I do know if I tell him I can't emotionally handle it, he would respect that. He asked me that the last time and I thought I'd be ok. Honestly, I was until the whole OWH drama. These are all things to really journal about and especially discuss with IC.
I feel so weak admitting that I'm still in love with this man. But, I am. Here we are. And let's face it...I'm pregnant and have needs If I get honest...that's a big part of the problem
But, H just texted he plans to come over tonight and tomorrow night to see the kids. They will be so excited.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
How big was the mistake?