X demands full custody because I'm engaged, Part 2

[sleeper]

She knows she can't stop anything. That's why she been working on the kids to get them to say they don't want to live with X or her kids. She seems to have turned DD who shows me new things X bought for her in shopping trips constantly. DD is conflicted and he's the one I worry about. He young enough that he doesn't want to hurt either parent and I think he says what he thinks individual parents want him to say. Not healthy. For instance on phone (with X listening?) he says he doesn't want to be around fiance's kids anymore but the first thing he asks when I get him is, "when are we going to fiance's? You promised we would." DD immediately says she doesn't want to go so she is more genuine.

I have to balance doing what is legal, doing what is right and doing what is fair without falling into the unhealthy manipulation and game playing X has resorted to.

[forward]

Sleeper,
My DD is balking at the idea of my new marriage, too. Perhaps some of it is that it's a change. And some of it is that hope is truly lost for the parents getting back together. That's what my DD says.

Sometimes she gets along well with fiancee's kids and sometimes she doesn't. However, I asked her if she remembers when she met them and she does not; I now realize they have been part of her life since she was 4.

X is passive and hasn't really said or done anything but I notice that DD cries a lot about missing him. Just when I think he's getting better, he is a no-show for something that matters to her, and she is crushed.

You may need to let go with the situation some. If the kids are old enough to decide and you're the parent who isn't playing psychological games, you may find them gravitating to you when they are older.

[forward]

Also, Sleeper, try not to let it hinder R w/fiance. I know it's easier said than done, but I almost wonder if that's what X wants.

[sleeper]

Forward, your speculations are spot on. I also didn't realize how integral OMH was in my children's lives and learned yesterday DS doesn't remember when they met as well (he was 5). DD immediately chimed in X and OMH, "didn't cheat." I thought that was odd and believe either X has filled her head with that untruth or DD has thought things through herself and in some sort of denial. (she was 7 and is a female, more attuned to such matters than DS).

There are many dynamics and issues that have been triggered by our engagement beginning with X and now occurring with our children because the wedding is drawing nearer either/and/or aggrevated by X. There have also been misunderstandings I'm trying to clear up like the belief "we" will live in fiance's tiny house. Kids believed that to be case and I'm sure they told X and she whipped up why that would never work and therefore was a "no go". Im having to learn exactly what the issues TRULY are, separate fact from fiction and set things straight without damaging kids with too much truth in the process.

As far as X's motivations (do they even matter?): She never wanted me dating anyone with kids, even tried to fix me up with childless women. She has control issues and has always been jealous of time our kids spent around fiancé. Counselor I saw last week who has known X and I for years (her longer) says X still loves me (example: X offered to fix me a dinner she cooked "to go" when I picked up kids the other day). I declined. As I told counselor I don't need to try to figure out X's situation BUT it's as if she still wants me there in "limbo" for her, she's in mlc and knows it on some level, she has fears of blended family issues generated by her own childhood experiences OR she is just the world champion cake eater she has been since we split up.

I was just struck by the irony of her very emotional recent concern that DS feels he is "losing me as a father" to X's children WHILE telling me my own kids don't want to live with me and fiance's kids with the veiled, ever present threat she will take me to court for the purpose of taking them from me. (twist on that)

Yep, could be trying to "hinder" the relationship with fiancé. And would probably like nothing more than to achieve just that while maintaining her own status quo.

"It's a fine madness."

[sleeper]

Short version: X texted me yesterday at work, "The children want to live with me, can we meet after work and talk?" I couldnt because of appointment, offered for her to join me at counselor appointment today that i had already scheduled. Yesterday they would normally come to me to begin my week (shared joint custody, alternating weeks). I responded, "No." She picked up kids from school before I could get there. Energetic phone convo followed. She has them now.
I called police and they made report. Same story, vagueness in custody agreement which lacks specific day of week, time and location for swap. I will call lawyer today and get ball rolling.
I'm really worried how to approach kids. DD totally wants to live with her now, I told her that's not her decision to make but X keeps telling her she gets to decide. DS is not so sure. He says he has issues (things X has whipped up) and will say he wants to live with her in her presence but opines missing me and wanting to spend time just the two of us.
I have taken the high road in all this and feel I am losing.
Conclusion: possibility of mediated meeting at therapy today. Possibility of X taking kids again.

[figgeroni]

get the ball rolling with your lawyer for sure...

at the very least, get all vagueness out of your custody agreement

sending positive thoughts your way


you can also call for an emergency hearing with a judge to determine temporary custody until your hearing...
the danger in this is that it could go either way...

[sleeper]

Two police reports in three days.....

No "mediated" solution from meeting. X presented her reasons for violating custody order and taking kids. All mountains out of molehills combined with manifestations of her own irrational fears. One justification for taking kuds was her absolute sure conclusion that Fiance's oldest done would one day become a mass murderer like Adam Lanza in Newtown Conn. I could not stop my eyebrow from rising and looking to counselor to see if he heard what I heard her say. It's looney tunes. Fiance's son has no record of violence or violent acts.

I told X not to take kids from counseling office as it was my "alternate week" per custody order and had a copy with me (I checked both children out of school and that is documentation they were in my custody). She responded she would take the children. When I asked if she would violate a judges court order she replied, Yes, I will violate a court order to protect my children." She later violated court order when she left with the children whom I had brought to the premises and were in the waiting room. The counselor is a witness to her statement of contempt of court. I did not put the children through a verbal or physical confrontation in the parking lot. I told them I wanted them to stay with me. DS asked, "what did mom say?" They got in her car and left.

X has told DD she can decide who she lives with, DS does what he thinks X wants him to do. Present custody order is criminally uninforceable and "civil matter" as X states and flaunts.

[figgeroni]

then bring her back to civil and family court

or

you could refuse her right to see them based on her looney tune statements--delusions etc

[sleeper]

It will come to that. My concern now is mitigating the emotional distress my son is experiencing due to her actions while dealing with the brain washing she has done to both of them.

[oldtimer]

Sleeper,

Time for family counseling with your kids and legal action. Her manipulation of your kids is damaging them. Step up.