Hi, we only had two court hearings - the first in which my xh asked for a postponement as he hadn't made up his mind (!) We had then been apart for 5 years and had been going through divorce proceedings for a full year. And then a year later we were able to finalise everything. I refused to agree to the final decree until we had the financial agreement settled (where I live you can do that) So there is nothing legally that can be revisited. The judge made that very clear.
I think my xh was very mean and resentful for a good six and a half years. It is only in the past year that he has started to be more reasonable with all of his children and only very recently with me.
Well my little Easter bunny has gone back into his burrow for the duration! Nothing now for over a week, so something has spooked him.
But my youngest son just got a major scholarship - his father's MLC really set him back , but he has bounced back. I do wonder if these MLCers ever really loved us or their family. Maybe just weren't capable of it. I think they were fond of us, but the whole speech 'I love you but I am not in love with you' could never actually be uttered by anyone who had really loved.
It says to me - 'I loved you when it was convenient, when you attracted me, when all was plain sailing. now it isn't I no longer have those feelings - someone else/some way of life suits me better' Same with their children - they are fair weather parents. Real parenting is for all time. I know some MLcers do go on treating their children well, but my xh abandoned us all and for years. My youngest son nearly died at one point and he never even knew. By the time the crisis was over there seemed no point finding where he was and telling him.
But marriage and commitment isn't a suit of clothes we take off and put on another.
Perhaps it is Easter, and for many of us we contemplate the nature of love and total sacrifice, and see how far short all of us fall. Not a time to judge, but to reflect.
It says to me - 'I loved you when it was convenient, when you attracted me, when all was plain sailing. now it isn't I no longer have those feelings - someone else/some way of life suits me better' Same with their children - they are fair weather parents.
I've wondered this as well. Did my H ever really love me? I can't help thinking, "not really." Also, he was never willing to sacrifice his traveling to be at home with a growing teen. Now D20 couldn't care less if her dad is around or not. She has so many low self esteem issues that I see is rooted in an absentee father. But, of course, he won't see that. It's too late now, water under the bridge has reached the sea already. Nothing to be done now.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think our children work through all of these issues eventually and come to understand that the absent or walk-away parent is profoundly damaged. - and I flatter myself I was a pretty good mother - could have been better of course, but all the same, they were loved and secure. My youngest son really loved his father and was devastated when he left. I think it took 5 years, and a terrific gf to really sort it out.
Bea, He's just hiding right now, but something is bugging him and he will be back out to play again very soon. Easter is upon us and I suspect he's gone MIA because it is a family holiday and he's still not capable of facing himself for destroying the family unit.
Congratulations to your son on getting his scholarship. You and your son should be very proud.
I don't think they knew the meaning of the wprd "love". I think they looked at us and the family as just another toy in the toy chest. They loved us the best way that they could considering the way that many of them were raised. I don't think many had role models that would win any awards for being "loving" parents. It's unfortunate that so many have walked away from good relationships to go in search of the illusive happiness and continue to run this very day.
I do understand how you feel because I feel the same way and often wonder why bother getting married and staying in a relationship as long as they did and then toss everything aside to start over. However, you have described the way they feel about life, relationships and love at the moment, i.e., like a suit of clothes that can be taken off and replaced w/a new set.
Bea, thank you for coming here and expressing your thoughts and ideas. It helps all of us to reflect and try to figure out where we are today and where we would like to be in the future.
Happy Easter!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, thank you for that - I think I spent a lot of time (like many people here) thinking it was me - and of course it doesn't absolve us from making those much needed changes, but as you say, their upbringing did not prepare them for loving in a real and adult way, the rough with the smooth.
DBing is great if you have someone with the emotional maturity to eventually respond, but most of these MLCers will never get to that point. Some do, and I would always counsel hoping and loving while getting on with your own life. If you eventually meet someone else - great, if not, then total independence has its own rewards!
And yes I am thrilled for my son. He has worked very very hard and taken every opportunity with both hands. i think his father leaving eventually showed him that life is what you make it, not what life dishes out to you. A hard lesson.
To all of you with children, they watch their parents, and we have to counteract the sad example of the WAS It isn't fair, but was 25 years always says, neither is being born poor in most of Africa
Congrats to your son, and to you as you were instrumental in helping him figure out life's lessons.
My son lost his footing when all this happened and has not found it yet. I keep hoping and praying. I know he will one day.
I agree with all that you wrote. These MLCers really were broken from early on.
Wish they came with some kind of tag or something - LOL!
Bea, my friend, wouldnt wish this on anyone, yet, I am so thankful in a lot of ways. I really am becoming the person I know I was meant to be and it would not have happened had this not.
You are an amazing example of grace and strength, my friend.
I got bomb drop in 2008 and 3 mth later we were divorced! He married 5 months after this to a woman he met in a bar and knew for 5 mths. Ex has been angry and very mean since 2008. Our son was 18 when he left so no interaction (well not much), was too neccessary. Of course, I brought alot of the anger on myself trying to hang on to him. BUT to this day the man hates me and I have quick trying to really understand why. My son lives with him so I havent had any contact with ex for about 3 yrs. other than trying to contact him about son a couple times and getting hung up on at the sound of my voice. What puzzles me the most is ex's reaction to family and friends that WE knew together. He will not even act like he knows anybody that has any interaction with me from the past or present. Bea or Snodderly or anyone else who wants to chime in. How does the MLC play out if they remarry? All I know is he still hates me, and puts his new wife before son. According to our son. It has been five yrs. I may hold the record for ex's ongoing anger. lol I have wondered though if his being married will stop any of the MLC progress.
Renee - your xh is clearly still an angry man - mine was pretty angry for about 5 years, and it is only in the last few months that he has been consistently civil to me (my bomb was 2005) I am still cautious around him, and would not ask any sort of favour.
Don't know about remarriage - I am not sure marriage means very much to them. However I am sure that the OW does nothing at all to help matters.
I think we just have to live our lives out, be civil when they are and ignore them as best we can when not.
I think we represent something to them that they are running from, for a long time, perhaps always. This may be why he has cut all people out of his life that have any connection with you. My xh was very upset that so many of our friends were so upset with him about the way he treated us all.
Ultimately it probably will come and bite them!
Take care - life does get better, but it takes a long time to find our way again.
urworthy - my youngest really worked at this - and his gf has a great work ethic, and is so encouraging. I am thrilled for him, but he did it on his own
My goodness a tag - "explodes at xx years" could have been helpful! I certainly would have arranged my finances differently.
I don't feel very graceful, but have become very proficient with large power tools, of necessity! A woman with her own chain saw and SDS drill. But thanks you for the compliment, I will try and live up to it.
