Evidently he doesn't feel it necessary to fix himself, otherwise he would be. And honestly, do you think anyone facing the issues he is could do that much changing in two months? Remember the believe none of what you hear and half of what you see rule? What have you seen vs. heard just in the last two weeks? Is it indicative of a man who has really dedicated himself to changing?
Again, you're the one living it, not me. So what follows is only MHO...
From my (often twisted view) I think it's time for you to ensure you and the kids are as protected as you can be - if that means cutting H off financially, so be it. He's spending money in a fashion that is detrimental to not only him, but also your entire family. Added to that, his continued contact with OW and his antagonistic contact with OWH - it's not good for you or the kids and he seems to have no problems with any of it.
Originally Posted By: Tallula
"I really wanted to ride with you guys. I miss you so much, and I'm missing so much with the kids."
If this were really the case, he'd stop what he's doing things that has the potential to endanger you and the kids. Seems to me he's only playing on your emotions - which are already out of whack due to your pregnancy - so he can continue his cake-eating ways...
So, my question is to you all. What do you think I should do? I know he already feels so much pressure to "fix" himself in the remaining time he has. We will not have the money to finance this particular living arrangement come June. He knows it. I worry about it a bit, but honestly I just figure it will work out. He'll have to figure out somewhere to go, and I wont allow him to move back in simply for finanacial reasons.
You have got to protect yourself first and foremost. What if in June he is still all about the OW and doesn't have the money to stay where he is? he will probably move back in. Then you will be miserable. I take it you handled all th efinances in the relationship? That's what my ex did. I was clueless and she had to sit down with me to show me everything. Maybe you should show him the same.
Evidently he doesn't feel it necessary to fix himself, otherwise he would be. And honestly, do you think anyone facing the issues he is could do that much changing in two months? Remember the believe none of what you hear and half of what you see rule? What have you seen vs. heard just in the last two weeks? Is it indicative of a man who has really dedicated himself to changing?
Honestly, I never thought he'd figure anything out in 4 months. It was for me so I didn't have to be around the crazy each day. I'd be ok with him living at home if he'd end it with the OW...cause it's just prolonging his work. Which will be years in the making and I don't know if I'm even willing to stay for it. But I'm not 100% that I'm not.
Originally Posted By: bblake1968
From my (often twisted view) I think it's time for you to ensure you and the kids are as protected as you can be - if that means cutting H off financially, so be it. He's spending money in a fashion that is detrimental to not only him, but also your entire family. Added to that, his continued contact with OW and his antagonistic contact with OWH - it's not good for you or the kids and he seems to have no problems with any of it.
Well, I can't cut him off. He is our main income. He could just have his paycheck deposited elsewhere, and I believe that would just be starting a needless war. He is only using joint funds for things that were previously spent on ie meds, dr's visits. All food & apartment costs are to come from the other account. Which he has said if we D, that will come completely from his half. He actually knew himself well enough to pay all the rent upfront, so really he will just have to live "college style" on top ramon. Not on me. He may be nuts as far as this crap with OW and stuff, but financially he has not changed on being overly fair to me. He can't raid his retirement as to how the plan is set up and I manage all our finances. If this got ugly, I'd be fine. I have family and they have money and have told me they would help me. I also think, when you came from being an alcoholic 23 year old living in your car, with no one speaking to you, 20k in debt & no job...this doesn't have the potential to be the deepest hole I've dug myself out of.
Originally Posted By: bblake1968
Originally Posted By: Tallula
"I really wanted to ride with you guys. I miss you so much, and I'm missing so much with the kids."
If this were really the case, he'd stop what he's doing things that has the potential to endanger you and the kids. Seems to me he's only playing on your emotions - which are already out of whack due to your pregnancy - so he can continue his cake-eating ways...
I have no doubt he misses us. I know that he does see I'm pulling away, and the pursuit is to keep me as an option. I also have no doubt that he is incapable of rational thought at this stage. I think that is why I hesitate to even bring it up just yet. He is crazy enough. There are plenty of people he could stay with if he had to and he could get a second job. I just think this would add pressure to someone who is clearly at the end of his rope. This stuff with OW & OWH, is NOT my H when he is healthy. I haven't seen this in over 10 years, and honestly...it's worse.
Thanks for your comments Blake. I will protect my kids for sure. I've made an appointment with a lawyer for next week.
Originally Posted By: brianinhville
You have got to protect yourself first and foremost. What if in June he is still all about the OW and doesn't have the money to stay where he is? he will probably move back in. Then you will be miserable. I take it you handled all th efinances in the relationship? That's what my ex did. I was clueless and she had to sit down with me to show me everything. Maybe you should show him the same.
I sat him down a few weeks before BD since that was a complaint of his. I'm too controling with the money. He knows that he will NOT move back in unless OW is gone and he is transparent. That is why I had him leave in the first place. That is something he knows or he'd still be in the house.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tallula. I have your threads on my list of reading so hopefully I'll be able to post something useful after, but I did want to pop in and say I love the title!
I've heard here and truly believe that my R with my kids just keeps getting better and better. I'm more patient and understanding. I'll just fold the laundry later, snuggle them now. Lots of crafts, lots of positive validation for them.
This is nice :-)
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Honestly, I never thought he'd figure anything out in 4 months. It was for me so I didn't have to be around the crazy each day.
Wish I had done this myself - almost daily it felt like I was going to be fitted for the self-hugging jacket if I didn't get away. Since we still live in the same house, GAling and other activities probably saved me.
Originally Posted By: Tallula
I'd be ok with him living at home if he'd end it with the OW...cause it's just prolonging his work. Which will be years in the making and I don't know if I'm even willing to stay for it. But I'm not 100% that I'm not.
That's a conundrum alright. I fought those feelings from late October to the beginning or March - I know exactly how you feel. At least your H has acknowledged (if even on a superficial level) that he has demons to fight, so I guess that might offer you at least some hope.
Originally Posted By: Tallula
I also think, when you came from being an alcoholic 23 year old living in your car, with no one speaking to you, 20k in debt & no job...this doesn't have the potential to be the deepest hole I've dug myself out of.
Yeah, but, now you're trying to do it with three children. Don't get me wrong - I FULLY believe you are strong and capable enough to do so. With the family help and your strength, I know you will!
Originally Posted By: Tallula
I have no doubt he misses us. I know that he does see I'm pulling away, and the pursuit is to keep me as an option. I also have no doubt that he is incapable of rational thought at this stage. I think that is why I hesitate to even bring it up just yet. He is crazy enough. There are plenty of people he could stay with if he had to and he could get a second job. I just think this would add pressure to someone who is clearly at the end of his rope. This stuff with OW & OWH, is NOT my H when he is healthy. I haven't seen this in over 10 years, and honestly...it's worse.
Today H came by to pick up stuff for his race. He hung with the kids for a bit. I was in my bedroom folding laundry. He came back and was chatting and randomly says "well, I'm going move move bank in when my lease is up." I was caught off guard, like way off guard. I gave him a sideways look and said "oh are you." he said pretty much that yes, and he will stay at least until the baby is 4-6 months old regardless. I very calmly said "well, you decided to truly end it with OW & agree to the things you weren't ready to before?" he said well, so you want to deal with 3 kids all week & be away from the baby on the weekends. I said "no, That is not what i want. But that doesn't change anything."
I saw that tatic a mile away. But know in my heart what I want. He surprised me by not flipping out. I had braced myself. He got quiet. He started saying how much he hates himself & that I really should just leave him. It really wasn't in a poor me, make my wife feel sorry for me. It was like his whole body went limp. I know he does hate himself. He said that he wants to just die. And that he looks at his life. Great kids, an amazing wife, a great job, his health a new baby on the way, and how his life is perfect. Nothing is wrong. But He just can't act how he wants. Then he said how sick of hearing this I must be. I said "you talk all you want. I'm here to listen." And I did.
I feel strangely calm. Today I am sad for my friend. He is in pain. All these years the pain of watching him drink himself silly, bury his parents, the joy of being sober, in love and becoming a father. But there was always a sadness, an "im not good enough", this little 5 year ild boy who just wanted someone to wisk him out of the crazy & love him. I spent years trying to heal that pain. He spent those years trying to let me, and ignoring it. Today I know, that I can't fix it. I can't do this for him. The best thing that I can do for him, is let him do it. Let him go. He has a god, and it's not me. So, yes, right now I have tears. But not for me. I pray more than anything that he can find peace. I don't know that I will be his W for the rest of this journey & I don't know that I won't. I just know that I will continue to speak my truth. I'm in pain too, so I need what I need to heal me as well.
New GALs -do at least 1 race a month until I can't run (hoping to make it to 36 weeks) -finish charcoal drawing of the kids -start going through the tubs of S3's clothes for the baby -get a fun book to read.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, I also wanted to say that I came here so desperate to save my M. But now I'm here to save me.
Just wanted to take a second to thank all of you, my DBing family. You lift me up, give me strength, and especially hope. I read alot, more than I post...and I post alot . I do believe my God speaks through you, and this forum has been on my daily gratitude list since day 1.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Ok t you gotta tell me how manamanadoodoo sounds in ur head. I read it as the muppets maNA maNA...doo DOOOO de DO-doo. Am i right?
Your h, wow. You have such compassion. Its like youre a natural at db. U did 12step right? Maybe that experience has given you a boost, natural coping skills.
Did u tell him he can move back in? My first thought was no way jose he hasnt done the work yet, but he has a point about the baby. Maybe a strict inhouse sep for a defined time wd b good help for you while not completely taking him back too soon.
Im almost thinking his cheating has been a way to sabotage himself out of self loathing without consciously being aware of it. He needs to want to change, then he needs to get real help and accountability. I listen to a religious radio advice show that talks about men needing to be in a small group of men in the church to maintain longterm accountability and support, to begin to be ablee to earn back their wive's trust after such betrayal.
Hang in there t.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Without a doubt I believe my years in a 12 step program has helped me with DBing.
I told him no. But I also said we don't have to figure out what happens closer to the baby. I was just shocked he thought he could move back in 3 months before he's due.
I will discuss more with my IC in 2 weeks. Unfortunately, neither of us have been able to see her for a month. She was on vacation. I might, might be open to an in house S closer to the baby being here. But living with the man I love, actively trying to be with me & someone else was emotionally taxing. Add a newborn & inthinkbit would be impossible. I really didn't want to get into much yesterday, but I did say, what would be different? No way he can live here and we don't end up sleeping together. Then the eventual anguish of him talking to her. Blah, blah.
He's got things to think about. Amazingly I'm the one said nothing needs to be worked out now. Just things to think about. Earlier yesterday he did send a text that meant alot to me; now & forever u deserve everything. It's funny. Now that I'm on my own, I'm doing all of the things that I use to complain about u doing. Not keeping house clean, laundry, sporatic grocery shopping. I guess compassion is a learning process" I texted back: and do it with 2 kids. You can also substitute 2 monkeys. Same diff". He laughed back, but brought it up again in person.
He truly is lost. I am glad he brought this up so that he does get that he can't just come back in here like nothing is happening simply because we are having this baby. He wants to be able to be with me & our kids. He just may not be capable. Sad, but true.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
. I do believe my God speaks through you, and this forum has been on my daily gratitude list since day 1.