If I am understanding this correctly, no deal was offered that could be enforced by the court. Therefore, he could agree to pay something now (in order to secure that coveted rubber stamp) and then tomorrow withhold payments which he has already shown a history of doing???
I'm with WH. God sure intervened on that one to make sure you and the children are protected. And I do find the appalling comment interesting. I find it appalling that anyone doesn't find the support of their children of paramount importance. You did nothing out of malice. You know this. You absolutely know this! Being kind and being "classy" doesn't mean that you lay down and not stand up for the support of you and your children.
Sigh. I'm so sorry, NLW. I check in periodically waiting to hear that the divorce was finalized and btw you hit powerball. Wouldn't that be awesome??? Hitting the lottery the day after the divorce in finalized. Hahahaha. I'm praying for THAT.
Wendylon, SS, Thanks for your support through these last few days. This was tough going for me.
I agree, SS, that back-pay for CS is also needed...& I made the point in court. STBX is just so far from being able to grasp his responsibilities at the moment. The process over the next few months is likely to make him worse.
Labug, Thanks for your continuing support too - it means so much. I was really stopped in my tracks to read your advice:
"I hope at the end of all this you can come to a place where you no longer feel responsible for the feelings of others."
I've never even thought that I shouldn't be responsible for how others' feel. I am processing this idea slowly, arguing back and forth with myself about whether this is possible (on the one hand, of course what I do is going to affect others and therefore I am responsible for how they feel; if I treat them badly, they will feel bad.
On the other hand, I just act; they are responsible for how they react. As long as I don't act out of malice towards them, I shouldn't be responsible for how they feel.)
Anyway, you've helped me to think about an aspect of my habitual behaviour that might need changing for the better, so thanks again.
OT, you are right in that stbx's 2nd offer was less 'generous' than his first - and he has stated that he is going to offer less and less each time he comes back with a new 'deal'.
The problem is the level of complication in our financial sitch. He's still refusing to reveal any financial documentation. His deals all involve me paying him, not vice versa, and this is in a context where he has emptied all family accounts before leaving. So, while I agree that he will ask for more if things are drawn out, I don't have much of an option. His 'offers' just don't take into account the debts he amassed in my name and the money that's 'disappeared'.
But I would love to know how to negotiate things without plunging us into out and out, naked antagonism. He would barely look at me in court and although i tried to engage in polite conversation when necessary, he was treating me like a sworn enemy.
Busting, Thanks for this feedback; it means a lot to know you are with me.
Re my lawyer - no, I haven't gotten back to him yet. I'd LOVE to - to get his take on what happened.
But I have to limit my meetings with him as there is no money.
I thought that it's really up to stbx's lawyer to contact mine at this stage, given what transpired in court. So I will wait for that and then make an appointment to see my guy.
Just noting how much the day in court took out of me, too.
Yesterday (day after) I had a tension headache, throbbing tooth, and felt like I was wading through molasses all day. Co-incided with one of the biggest deadlines of the year, work-wise - a massive project report that I was lead author on.
But I got through it.
Wanted to say to the team - sorry guys, I've just got to nip out for a couple of hours - I'm being divorced today. But this would have been too bizarre.
Just wanted to update my sitch, so that I can keep a record of what stbx does.
Monday was D court and when this was adjourned due to his failure to pay CS, stbx spat venom at me.
That night he phoned D17 to ask if he could pick her and her brother up from school next day.
He has not collected the kids since school ended last year, although until this time, he had done it quite regularly.
D17 told him he'd have to speak to the person who usually picks them up and tell her. He said "No".
I got the kids to ring him back and tell him when to collect them.
He was 10 mins late showing up to collect D17 and when he drove her home, he came with her into our house.
Now, he has not been over in months, and has told the kids that he cannot come into the house any more (this has been his reason for not seeing them since Dec last year).
He played a bit with the dogs and stood in the hall for 5 mins, before leaving (without saying "bye" - back to early post-BD behaviour, in this regard).
Later, when he dropped S14 off, stbx came back into the house again...
This time, I asked if he'd seen D17's prom photo in a local magazine's social pages, and when I showed it to him, he just said "I wouldn't even recognise her".
I pointed out some of her childhood friends and said "Doesn't kid X look just like her mum?" To which he replied "Has she got thick ankles too?" (it was a head shot).
Then off he went.
Oh, and in the car on the way home with S14, stbx said "I have to get you a shaver."
S14 replied "You said that in the middle of last year, and you didn't get one".
But, in any case, s14 doesn't even have fluff, let alone whiskers!
He's going to back to BD actions. How interesting...
Also wanted to chime in with labug. Don't let his REaction get to you. Remember they are his feelings that he needs to project through a positive outlet. NOT OUT AT YOU!!!
It's also not your responsibility to carry his feelings and own them. They are HIS. Ex. I made him angry. People get angry because THEY get angry.
What are you doing for NLW tonite? Did you take a nice long bath? Talk on the phone with a good DB support friend?
I understand it's hard to enjoy time to yourself right now. Really work on meditating and/or praying. It will help!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Hi NLW wanted to see how you are doing today ((()))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
NLW, just wanted to drop by to thank you for your support. It's sad we have to put up with behavior like this, but we don't have to let that behavior drag us down. ((((((())))))))))
We are all going OK here - although there seems to be some physical consequences of the drama of the Court appearance/ reappearance of stbx to collect the kids from school. He did this once - the day after the court fiasco - and then disappeared again (i.e. no texts/calls to them).
I have been really, really tired (but hitting all my deadlines at work) and D17 has been angry and aggressive. S14 has been vomiting intermittently.
Great learning opportunity for me - not to react to the kids or get overly anxious, but just accept things for what they are and try for serenity and understanding.
