... there is a chance that an apology is coming of some sorts..
Val, I haven't read your entire sitch, so there's certainly plenty I may have missed. I do know that you came to the conclusion that some of XW's behavior was abusive (and wished for some acknowledgement or apology) and I know you've addressed the issue of codependency.
One thing I've picked up from Pia Mellody speaking into my ear is her conviction that, in most cases, it's a two way street. One person looks like the innocent victim, but in fact, they are "roundly abusing" the other, too. I would have had a hard time seeing it without her perspective.
If Pia's generalization is accurate in your case (I don't know) and you haven't addressed this, it may be skewing your perspective. XW may be wondering why you don't acknowledge or apologize, in the same way you wonder about her.
Even though XW is ready, if you're not, you can always ask her to tea later when you are.
Keep taking the high road and taking care of you and you'll get there.
Hi Val, just popping in to offer my support for you as you decide what to do regarding tea with your XW.
If this was simply some friend that you were going to meet for coffee, whom you had not had an intimate life with, how would your decision process go? What would your answer be and what would your expectations be?
May I submit you would likely think, "Absolutely! It has been such a long time and I would love to catch up with her!"
Now, what if this was a friend whom you were not intimate with, but had some falling out with. Perhaps you both had different opinions about something, maybe politics, religion, a bad business deal. It has left you with a bad taste in your mouth, although you have mostly forgiven. What might your answer be? What would your expectations be?
In this case, I can give you my own thought on that. If it was something that I would consider, but I certainly would not be expecting a re-connection and re-kindling of friendship. This would be more a situation that, if I randomly met them on the street and a conversation struck up, I might have an extended conversation with them, catch up quickly, have a quick tea with them as we were doing so, and move on. I will not hold grudges, but I will not open my life up to someone whom at that point, is just an acquaintance. Friendly and pleasant, but not suddenly bringing them back into the fold. I would only plan a tea gathering if it truly was something that I might do, while out and about in the area, anyhow.
I have only maybe two people in my life, that I have repeatedly let back into my life, who I have repeatedly let myself get hurt due to the association. And those people are not allowed back into my life. Only because while I could learn something from the exchange in the sense that I could learn how to interact, but in a detached way.
This decision that you need to make is truly about your forgiveness of yourself, first. Then, your forgiveness of your XW. Then of trust of yourself, which means no expectations. Expect that you would have tea with someone you have not seen in a while. That you might get to understand them and find out how they are. You don't need to decide at this time, whether you want her back in your life. That would be decided once you've had tea with her.
If you decide to go, like we say in DB, make sure you have something else going on, that you may extricate yourself from the meeting in the event that you do not want to prolong it.
And know that if, during the tea, you no longer feel comfortable or safe, get yourself out of there without worrying about what she might think. Because that is irrelevant.
What ever choice you make, it will be right... for you... for right now...
Hey Val, I haven't been active on your posts, but have read yours and am thankful for the wisdom and insight
I just echo what the others say, do what is best for Val at this time. Ask yourself, no matter what I do, can I handle the repercussions in my life right now?
I like KD's pressing appointment idea...actually make an appointment to do something if you go. I often use this as a device when meeting H. I make an appointment for whatever an hour and a half after meeting time....doctor, hair, gym, whatever.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
It would seem easy for me to say "go to have tea with your XW, but have no expectations," but are you emotionally there?
Heck, you are human and you still love this woman deeply, so can you really ask yourself to have no expectations, no hope given the circumstances? Give yourself a break and like others have said, if you are not ready, so be it.
What do YOU want? What would be best for YOU?
((((val))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hi Busting et all... sorry I disappeared. I've been on one of the longest rollercoasters... I needed to just ride it out.
I am feeling better. Thank you all for your words and support. You all have valid points. Without them, it would have been very difficult to work though this.
I've agreed to meet her. Don't know when or where - but I said yes.
After the dust settled and the fog lifted, I am able to see that this decision is all about me.
Who do I want to be? What can I live with? What do I want Now?
Who do I want to be:
I want to be a loving person. At church, we've been in the book of Matthew for a long time. This rang true for me: "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him.. as many as seven times?"
Response: "I do not say seven times but seventy times seven."
I am not perfect and there are times that I let people down. I did not talk to my mom very much for 10 yrs. I know it hurt her greatly. When the BD, she opened her doors. She forgave me, and chose to love me. She's never once thrown the past in my face.
I do not know what x wants - but if it is forgiveness or closure. I will give it to her.. because I was forgiven......
and it doesn't matter if I think she deserves it, God says she does.. and that's enough for me.
What can I live with:
LA Bug - You're right I'm not ready. I do not look forward to what is to come. The pain, the confusion..
.. and although I do not know that will be for certain.. I fear it.
But that is temporary. To not open up the door. To not at least be open to closure, olive branch or whatever... will be a bigger pain in my heart. It would be permanent.
The high road is painful - but 2 yrs of taking it.. has left very few regrets. I need to see the bigger picture.
What do I want?
I want to keep moving forward. I was living life.. enjoying it and this really thew me off. I am not angry at x for it... but I'll be d@mned if I continue to give her the power to keep me from moving forward. So as much as I may not want or think I'm ready to do it NOW - I can't have my life stop.
The past is done. I only want to look ahead.
I will need to come up with some exit strategies. I will need to come up with a gameplan.....
... because I know there is still anger inside me.. and I know there are expectations that I have.
I need to do everything I can to put as much positive energy into this..
If this is going to have a "negative" outcome - It will not be because I put that energy out there.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I wonder if I'm remembering correctly, didn't you run into her on chance recently and end up saying things you regretted?
You have reached such a place of peace and forgiveness in your journaling, but in the moment under pressure and faced with the unpredictable input of her in person and whatever triggers occur in that moment, will you have trouble handling it? Will it be healing and productive for you anyway?
I think sometimes about how I would be if a terrible accident had taken my husband, I know weird just stay with me... I would have all kinds of awful things to think, say, and do, and it would not be dignified, and it would not be permanent; eventually I would settle in to a way of being that honored him and honored me. JackieO... was so restrained and dignified so soon after being devastated and I've wondered how on earth she didn't slip up and be humanly horrible on the public stage she had no choice but to be on. I think I would need to disappear for a good long while until I could be presentable.
This stuff is also like grieving a death. You have ups and downs, you handle it well sometimes and not so well sometimes, until eventually enough time goes by and the wounds heal enough that you can be calm and dignified and just how you are. No longer slipping up and feeling horrible.
It may be too soon to spend time with her and not be triggered or reactive or say something uncontrolled, as even and consistent as you sound here now. And that's probably ok - everything doesn't have to be scripted and perfect. You can just go and see how it goes, but be as forgiving of yourself no matter how you end up handling it, as you are of others.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Ad, No Ma'am. I have never seen her by accident. When the meeting takes place.. it will be twice in 1.5 yrs.
Thank God, Los Angeles is a huge city!
I too originally thought I would just let everything settle and one day reach out only to remember the good that was....
... but it is not in my deck of cards. I have been tested many times when it comes to reaching out.. and I've always not. This is different I suppose.
And You're right... it may be too soon. I'm setting a time limit on our meeting and scheduling something afterwards. My hope is to do very little talking, to not jump to conclusions or decisions.
And to have faith that the work I've been doing the past 2 yrs will shine though.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
