Wow, very sorry to hear how things have been going! I'm not sure what incident you're referring to but it sounds like a car crash and I hope you're okay. To respond to your comment I don't think that you (or I) could be like my W. If you had the capacity to turn it off that way and just not deal with your issues you would have.
Let's go at this from another direction -- you've had good satisfying relationships prior to H right? You know you have it in you. Why stay in this one? You can't change him, but you also can't accept him as he is. There is no option for you at this point that doesn't suck, so embrace that and decide to pursue the least sucky option you feel you have. If you decide you won't have a good outcome, which one is least-worst?
Sorry CV I really do feel badly about your sitch
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Acc, in regards to your W, I thought I recalled that she acknowledged that she was unhappy and simply accepted that about herself, being unwilling to try to improve that reality any longer. That's what I'm relating to. I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence and it's not supposed to be enjoyable so there's no point in trying to make it so. I realize there's a lot about my sitch that is sucky, but if it's going to be sucky for me anyway, I'd like to at least make it as good for S12 as possible (plus he's the very best part of my life and I get to see him 24/7, rather than some shared custody arrangement, so sticking it out for the next 5/6 years is probably the least sucky.)
So in the meantime, I'm about as pliable as a person can be right now. I have no pride left, no personal agenda at all. I'm supposed to work on me. I'm supposed to look at what I bring to the R, good and bad. I'm pretty much meeting every one of H's needs, except for being a happy W. I don't know how to do that, especially in light of my current state. I don't want to go into specifics of the incident, but I'm fine physically. Mentally and emotionally spent, suffering a little PTSD possibly, but fully aware that I made the choice to place myself in harm's way. It was stupid, I knew better but was in denial. But with regards to that, I'll be fine eventually. I know how to "fix" that.
I don't know how to "fix" being unhappy. I don't know how to enjoy being M'd. I don't know how to get my needs met by H, yet can't get them met by someone else. It seems easier to bury the need than to fake it with something else.
W hasn't resigned herself to live in a marriage that doesn't make her happy -- in fact when she felt she was there she cheated and asked for divorce. What she resigned herself too is that she feels unworthy and inadequate. She doesn't enjoy sex and doesn't want to. She's not happy with herself but doesn't think it's worthwhile to deal with it.
That's different, it doesn't have anything to do with me or the marriage. It doesn't feel like a prison sentence to her because it's what she's chosen. The door is open and she could walk through it by seeking therapy, but she would rather remain dark and twisty to use her term.
In your situation you feel trapped and unhappy but you don't accept that it is okay for things to be this way and that's how you're different, and in my opinion healthier.
If you leave do you think H would want custody vs visitation? Did that ever come up in your history?
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Maybe you have hit bottom. We all know that wasn't a simple car accident (or whatever.)
Try meetings for codependents. They may be miraculously healing for you for little cost in time and an optional donation of $1/meeting.
Have a beginner's mind. What can it hurt? Happiness is worth overcoming whatever roadblocks you have up your sleeve at the moment.
Take the risk. If nothing else, think of how satisfied you'd be to tell me about how six meetings did nothing for you, about how wrong I've been. That's gotta be a pretty good carrot for you :-)
Thanks for the clarification, Acc. I can see the differences. I wouldn't place any money on me being healthier, though.
To answer your question, yes, D/custody has been discussed. H has threatened to ruin me financially and fight for custody of S12. He was D'd before and has a D lawyer, so he has experience with the process to his advantage. I've seen his ugliness with his ex; I would never want to put my S12 through that. It's only 5-6 years, I can do that for him. I recognize that this sitch isn't perfect for him, but I'm positive D would be worse.
OT, I've looked into finding a CoDA meeting. There's one near me on Sunday evenings. I'll give it a try. Can you describe for me what a "beginner's mind" is? I've heard it a lot, thought I knew what it was but perhaps not.
Nevermind, OT, I looked it up. I thought it was more obscure, that I was missing something. I was having a beginner's mind, giving up what I know, letting go of being an "expert," throwing out what I "should" do, disregarding common sense and fear of failure (all pulled from an article on beginner's mind) a couple of weeks ago. It didn't turn out so well, and my beginner's mind is having a hard time celebrating falling down and getting up again. Rather, I just feel foolish.
I need some understanding more specific to my sitch, I think.
That's great! I'm so happy for you. I'm jealous though, there are no CoDA meetings near me, fortunately, the ideas generalize well across different meetings. I will be thinking of you on Sunday.
As for a beginner's mind, just be very open to questioning your assumptions. Be open to being surprised, be less sure of what you think you know about yourself and others. Try to be open, not resistant. When you feel resistance, put it in a box for awhile. You can always take it back out ;-)
Surely you aren't foolish, you just aren't perfect. Whatever you did was probably out of desperation and pain, but we can learn to act from healthier places. So please don't beat yourself up. Hold yourself gently. Have compassion for yourself and patience.
To be open and to examine your life and beliefs is consistent with using good judgment, setting healthy boundaries, and becoming wiser.
