Mana Mana! Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

[movingon-1968]

T - I understand your concerns. IDK why your income would affect the amount of CS he should pay - SS yes; but, I do not know since I am at the beginning of my S & D.

Good job on logging his interaction with the kids.

Only you have control over the boundaries you wish to enforce and you certainly seem to be on the non-crazy train tracks . But his actions last week will resonate with you for a while to come - and probably not in a good way, either.

And his spending isn't our problem, either, unless he intends to move back in when the $$$ runs out...

I've tried to come up with a reasonable figure for CS & SS as well. We'll have to see how that turns out...


I've tried a number of time to figure out SS & CS to no avail. I'm certainly willing to help and pay what I have to, but, there's no telling what will come of it.

I've taken a second mortgage, raided a retirement account twice and spent a large sum of settlement money on my W trying to start and run her own businesses because she 'doesn't like to work for other people' so I hope that is considered during negotiations.

Not that I don't want to do what's right, but, I feel like I went above and beyond in many aspects WRT to financial considerations. But Florida is a no-fault state so all of this should be just the wobbly end to this roller coaster ride.

[movingon-1968]

Your h is different from mine on financial stuff so i dont really have advice just thoughts. The point of CS and spousal is what do the kids need and what will get you back on your feet. Not what is the way to get the most.

^^^Is also my understanding as well. CS is for the benefit of the kids and really has little to do with income, from the research I've been doing.

If h takes care of the kids 48 hours a week where hes responsible for whatever their expenses are then, then lower cs seems reasonable, and if its 50% then even lower cs, and more time cared for by dad is usually good for kids. But if realistically hes going to do a lot less than best for the kids is max cs to you.

Again I agree with ^^^^.

Is it best for the kids for you to work fulltime and get childcare? For me it is not. For smaller kids maybe it makes sense for you. If its best that you stay part time then ask for spousal that enables you to do that and get by. Remember spousal support is taxable income to you.

^^^^Exactly

But i would just hope a judge wd just want to throw the book at an adulterer leaving a pregnant wife and small kids, like you.

And herein is the problem with no-fault states. At least in Florida, it's the equitable distribution of assets and debt, and what's best for the kids. When I suspected my W of having an A, I had a lawyer tell me adultery doesn't even enter into consideration...

[adinva]

yeah me neither. There's nothing punitive in any of this, it's all objective to the judge here. Other than the judge may feel punitive toward me for working less that I possibly might.

[Tallula]

I definately don't think working more is in the best interest of my kids. We Areca ways off from school, and I'd prefer to continue to only work 2 days a week. My kids don't need any more change.

I am willing to work, of course. And working more days isn't about getting the most or anything, it's more that if I work more to finance my H's need to live in an expensive apartment have cable we don't even have... Only to then get less CS. In my state CS is figured out by total household income & then time spent with each parent. I would live for H to spend more time with the kids, but that isn't what is happening.

My goal is to be fair if this ends, but I tend to be too accommodating. I could manage in our house with CS & my 2 days. I haven't even thought of SS.

[Tallula]

Oh, I meant I could manage to live off of CS & my 2 days. Not here in our house.

2 months ago I started working an extra day a month & it's actually been hard on my kids that week. I know they will be just fine if I have to work fulltime eventually. You have to do what you have to do. But, my main thing is to not add more days to simply finance H in this apartment to end up losing CS if we D & I wanted to go back down to 2 days a week. Especially with a newborn.

Honestly, the guy needs to live in someone's damn basement or something. His expenses are high. His rent on a 1 bedroom is only $300 less than our mortgage!!

[movingon-1968]

I definately don't think working more is in the best interest of my kids. We Areca ways off from school, and I'd prefer to continue to only work 2 days a week. My kids don't need any more change.

That's logical. Just don't be surprised if a judge disagrees with you WRT to your working schedule.

I am willing to work, of course. And working more days isn't about getting the most or anything, it's more that if I work more to finance my H's need to live in an expensive apartment have cable we don't even have... Only to then get less CS. In my state CS is figured out by total household income & then time spent with each parent. I would live for H to spend more time with the kids, but that isn't what is happening.

IMHO, you shouldn't have to pay for anything for H and his apartment. He's the one who wanted it and had the A, should be his responsibility.

My goal is to be fair if this ends, but I tend to be too accommodating. I could manage in our house with CS & my 2 days. I haven't even thought of SS.

You need to look out for you and the kids - which you appear to do a good job of. Especially if his track record with spending quality time with the kids isn't stellar. After last week, it's admirable you still want to be fair. Not many would be...

[Tallula]

Blake- to be honest, this weekend was more a "bad" on me. Don't get me wrong, he's being a huge jerk. But, I know he is conflicted. He doesn't know what he wants. He said I'm perfect, wonderful, I've changed. He's lost. He said its all on him now to get better. And...I got a little hope. Which is ok, I guess, but then i slept with him. Reality is I don't know if I see a future, but I wanted to feel connected to someone in that moment.

I just look at him as doing the best he can. It may look super crappy to me, but it's his best. I have to protect my POM, because he won't. And that is the lesson I learned this weekend. We are 2 months into him seeing a future for us, but he can't stop with OW. And he can't stop with me. So, I have to protect my boundaries. That's not on him. As much as I would like to blame him, that's old behavior. I did that. Me. Boo hiss.

[movingon-1968]

You're certainly the one living it, not me, so I'm not in any position to really have an opinion. I still think it's a crappy thing to do, lol. But you're showing tremendous clarity with your willingness to accept the situation as you describe it.

For most people I know who have been thru similar sitches, they can never get past the blame game to accept their own part.

[Tallula]

Oh, we can all have an opinion, lol. Ours are the same, crappy & selfish are words to discribe H.

But, I can only live as a victim for so long. It makes me do grateful for my years in AA & my new journey in ala-non. I can have some (some days, none) compassion for H. But, I'm the one who needs boundaries. And if I waited around for him to protect my heart, he'd still be living here doing the same thing each day. When I get real healthy, (this is rare at this stage) he is doing the same thing to OW. He isn't caring for anyone's heart.

As Labug says, boundaries are my friend.

[Tallula]

Still feeling ok. Had to thought stop some H & OW thoughts, but feeling good overall. D2 is really struggling. She use to LOVE getting to school and now she sobs histerically when I drop her off. Clings to me. Won't let me put her down at the house, wants me to hold her everywhere. the kids are now fighting over sitting in my ever expanding lap. I've heard here and truly believe that my R with my kids just keeps getting better and better. I'm more patient and understanding. I'll just fold the laundry later, snuggle them now. Lots of crafts, lots of positive validation for them.

H came to S3's easter program. He actually called me about 45 minutes before saying he was on his way to the house. I said we were leaving in 5 minutes, so to just meet us there. He sighed and said "I really wanted to ride with you guys. I miss you so much, and I'm missing so much with the kids."
I just said "Yeah. Gotta finish getting the kids ready." D2 didn't want to sit on his lap, but I set her there and said "Mommy needs to take pictures of S3. Daddy wants some D2 snuggles." She snuggled up.

So, for some reason I decided to check our online balances yesterday. Thank goodness! H had used our debit for a few dr's visits and a med refill and so I had to transfer $ to cover all the outstanding checks. I sent him a short text to just give me a heads up when he uses the card. Well, at first I had clicked his new account because the balance was around the same as our bills checking. The man has spent a boatload of money on this race and I have no idea how the remaining $ will last the 2 + months it is suppose to. I called a friend to vent a bit and she thought I was crazy to 1. not say anthing (and I still don't plan to. Not my business. His problem.) 2. Not approach him about thinking/planning for what will happen at the end of May if we aren't ready to have him move back in.

So, my question is to you all. What do you think I should do? I know he already feels so much pressure to "fix" himself in the remaining time he has. We will not have the money to finance this particular living arrangement come June. He knows it. I worry about it a bit, but honestly I just figure it will work out. He'll have to figure out somewhere to go, and I wont allow him to move back in simply for finanacial reasons.