Bug - I understand your point about control and patterns. Short of stepping in and applying more control to help her with her "in the moment" crisis, all I can do is observe and try to not let it bother me. But it makes me crazy because it usually affects me and others who are around.
I mentioned in an earlier post about the episode with the basketball tickets that she was certain she had thrown away. She was in a complete tizzy over it. I calmly helped her through the crisis and I eventually found the tickets (after tearing through 3 bags of garbage). So I guess the 180 is to not get caught up in it but it is so difficult. And different situations lend themselves to different reactions and a sense of urgency.
There was a time years ago, when she told me that she prefers me to step in and take charge to get things under control. Guess that's not the case anymore.
Regarding my response to her text (and you should know that I was pretty worked up after the episode but not in her presence beyond what I described ^^^), I said "Don't worry about it. I hope you had a good vacation." She did not respond to that text, although later she invited me over for dinner, but I was already doing something else so I politely declined.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Congratulations on surviving a WAS vacation! I don't think you can rekindle a relationship with a WAS, because to your point, their behavior kills your feelings for them over time.
You need to wait until they are no longer a WAS and "just a person" again, because at that point they can exhibit some behaviors toward you that you may find attractive. You need to push the big "reset" button and that doesn't seem to happen until the WAS is *convinced* that you have moved on. As long as you're in the picture, you are the source of their discontent. Once you've moved on, then you can be "just a person" again too!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Don't worry too much about feeling in love w her. You can work on that when the time comes. They are feelings and feelings can change.
Your trip reminds me of our trip to the Mayan Palace at Playa del Carmen before I got prego w S4. We had such a great time!
And since you're a perfectionist like me... the men on strings aren't mayan. The ritual is called Danza de los voladores. They're from areas close to Papantla, Veracruz.
I tend to be a little miss 2cents. 180....keep mouth shut!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
So 2, could you have responded to her text by saying something like "It's difficult traveling with kids, we were all stressed by then. (I'm mind-reading here because you didn't say what the issue was but I know traveling with kids can be trying)I apologize for sighing and rolling my eyes, that wasn't respectful."
You're bringing up resentments from years ago. If you can't let those things go then you can't have a R with her. You want her to change, chances are she isn't going to so the choices are you figure out how to deal with it or let her go.
But it makes me crazy because it usually affects me and others who are around. Have you explored ways, even if only in your mind, you could work this out where you both get your needs met?
Because you know this will come up again. We can never find someone who meshes perfectly with us. Being in a successful R means being able to work through problems, and both sides have to give a little.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Unfortunately I'm not surprised by the information you gave us... how do you use it to move forward NOW?
I know you mentioned wanting more time with the kids. Is getting custody on the table for you?
Are there any new 180's for you to explore?
And a response to the apology could have been. "Thank you for the apology. I really appreciate that".
Only say the 2nd sentence if you mean it. I wouldn't go as far as to apologize in return... but validating the action will go a long way - especially if your w doesn't apologize easily.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I always like to acknowledge things H says or does, a 180 for me. I don't apologize easily either, so when I do, it would be nice to have it validated, I think
She acknowledged her behaviour was unwarranted by apologizing, so a thank you for apology says that you appreciate the apology, and yes, behaviour was crappy. She knows it was, you don't have to justify it by making an excuse.
What that means is justification for behaviour (ie. I know it was stressful...) is unnecessary.
You can accept, and understand, but don't make excuses...you weren't rude, so the actions in that situation could have been different on her part. You can accept apology and still be okay. You felt the need to mention the rudeness, so it is something you are not blowing off.
I only spent a day with H and made an Old Ruby comment. Kudos to your W for only slipping at the end, and kudos to you for making the best of your vacay
It was me that asked. I see his sigh as repeating old patterns and disrespectful. These are things (sighing, shrugging, eye-rolling) I'm trying to rid myself of as they are unfair and destructive.
What about meeting on common ground or seeing her need, evidenced by her remark and addressing it? I'm asking because I want to learn (2 and I share many common traits as I said earlier).
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ah....the eye rolling is always a p*ss off !! as is the sigh, makes me want to smack someone when I am in that kind of mood myself....
I think if you can see the need and identify at that moment, good...you can switch gears, muffle behaviours, and as for me, just ignore my behaviour. I think everyone's relationship is different. Addressing it afterwards is not effective simply because it's done. At least that is my thinking. If I apologize, then I am aware that my behaviour was crappy but have no desire to revisit.
Meet on common ground at time of remark? Sure. Like a laugh and "Geez spouse, I know what you mean, always a hassle with blah blah" or if one is at that point "That remark was hurtful, it's a stressful situation, but I did not warrant that remark"
For me, as I said, ignoring my little rude azz works best, I always felt badly and aware of my behaviour much more quickly when this occurred. Anything else would just cause me to justify my behaviour with more excuses and rudeness. That's my personality though....
I see his sigh as repeating old patterns and disrespectful. These are things (sighing, shrugging, eye-rolling) I'm trying to rid myself of as they are unfair and destructive.