I don’t know where to begin. I’ve spent the last month digging back through most of the trauma I’d boxed up and put on the back shelf. I’m not done. I’ve placed a few boxes back to be examined again later. Whenever it got to be too much I’d box it up and do something else, usually work that needed doing. I have exhausted myself doing other things to avoid facing these demons.
At the end of last year I decided to face it again and work through what I could. The problem with boxing and shelving is eventually you have to go through them and find some peace. The longer one avoids doing so the harder it gets and the more what you’re avoiding colors your peace.
To forgive myself for my contributions I need to understand my actions and motivations. To forgive her I need to understand her actions and motivations. There are still some sticky gooey messes that may need a steam cleaning Some things just are and there is no point in belaboring them or attempting to assign blame. Sometimes the best we can do from these situations is learning from them, doing so is better than repeating.
I benefitted from have so much history with X. I know her back story and the back stories of most of the important players in her life. I know my own back story. Our divorce was not inevitable. The survival of our marriage required one of us to sacrifice more. Both of us had. If our marriage was to thrive both of us needed to fundamentally grow beyond the crisis. In my situation that is the crux of the matter.
Having spent much effort attempting to understand our roles and grow from what I found I began another review of me. I have pondered if I have learned enough or if I am destined to repeat conditional behaviors and doing so damage relationships I am striving to nurture.
Learning only stops when we stop and I hope to never again feel the need to dig into me as deeply. I cannot afford complacency, so digging again may be inevitable. I need to find the balance point, my balance. I find myself going back to my roots as if returning to my core will provide a foundation to build from. I know of no other method.
I do not know where this will lead. I am following a process. My strategic goal is a state where my happiness and my peace are my life.
Now who’s running around with a needle to burst my bubble.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
i always like reading your posts because they inspire me. i feel as if you continue to use your sitch to learn, grow and improve. i want to do the same and your posts help lead the way. thank you. ((((((((((((( JS))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
JS.. you've been through alot in the past 2 years.. but I wonder if you think too much.
For example:
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
To forgive her I need to understand her actions and motivations.
Why? You may never know her motives and I would argue that you really don't need them to forgive. Your xw is venomous and has been like a snake towards you for a LONG time....
And although it sukks for you that you take the heat for it... it must be horrible to have such internal battles that she has to project anger to deal with them.
That's where the forgiveness lies. It is in compassion for her that she doesn't have her sh!t together and she is hurting the people around her. Yes she may be causing it, but your heart can break for her all the same.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Learning only stops when we stop and I hope to never again feel the need to dig into me as deeply. I cannot afford complacency, so digging again may be inevitable. I need to find the balance point, my balance. I find myself going back to my roots as if returning to my core will provide a foundation to build from. I know of no other method.
The past is in the past. Learn from it.. but move on from it. We can spend so much time analyzing it.. that it keeps us there. When in turn, it should just be used a guide. Something we pull from our back pocket when a present situation tests us.. or has us acting in old behaviors.
Just be.. my friend. Live in today. Don't force yourself to dig through things you aren't ready to. There is a difference between avoidance and protection.
Protect your heart now so it can heal.. and have faith that you will deal with things exactly when you are supposed to.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I sit with a smile on my face and water in my eyes. It is good to have friends. It is better to have friends trusting enough to Gibb slap one now and then.
You’re right I do over analyze. Attention to detail is ingrained.
Most of this is past, what I could not process is shelved for another time. The boxes are fewer and not as full.
There is more to reply. I am still processing some.
My GD took her first steps last night. I need to toddle on as my employer beckons.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It certainly is gratifying when someone runs to you with exuberance. It is fun to play chase too. I am finding being a Grandparent very gratifying. Perhaps it is because I am more confident in these interactions than I was as a parent. I find myself calm, much less reactive and more in the moment. I get to have fun. The old adage of handing the child back for a diaper change does not apply as I babysit. She loves her baths.
IDK, I think X’s venom and acting out stems more from her inability to find the peace and happiness she sought. I am out of the picture and I believe she still has the same struggles. She is using different coping mechanisms. I do not believe she has found peace with her decision and I believe she continues to rely upon external stimuli for happiness. She is not a whole person yet, perhaps she never will be.
This does not affect my day to day. It affects me indirectly through family. DIL is having a difficult time. She has intimated some of the antics that have occurred. I think she is trying to vent some frustration and I try to just let her. It is not a burden I will bear. X and I will be forever linked through the children and grandchildren. While X’s issues never were mine to solve it would be nice if she could treat our adult children as adults. That issue is between the kids and her. That pot is boiling how they deal with it is their business.
Reflecting back I recalled a time when I was certain she was having a MLC. I read several posts cautioning against using this as an excuse to not do the work, so I shelved it and worked on me. I am much better than I was. I returned to my roots. For a time I thought to use this as a ploy. X fell in love with a cocky confident Marine. I would exude that persona and she would not be able to contain herself or so I hoped.
The result of this is I am more that person now than I was two years ago. I have returned to my roots with thirty years of experiences to boost my confidence. I am not running a tough mudder this year, but maybe next. My son is doing a little recon this year. “Not as lean, not as mean, but still a Marine” Returning to my roots has boosted my professional life. My career is more exciting than it has been in years. Responsibilities and projects I find interesting are tracking along. It is a matter of reaching out and making it happen.
What does this have to do with reflecting on whether X is MLC or not? She is and after a few minutes reflecting on her latest antic and its affects I no longer care.
A friend recently described finding some reminders of his relationship, missing his spouse and moving on. I thought my reply might make for a post here.
FWIW
Recently I spoke with a friend who is long divorced, 23yrs. He told me he has not stopped loving the person he married. She just doesn't exist anymore. Someone else took her place and he is glad he is not married to her now. If that makes any sense. I understand what I am trying to articulate I may not be doing that very well.
I also miss the person I married and I am glad I am no longer associated with the person presently inhabiting her body.
I also find land mines. There have been a few bouncing Betties. Mostly toe poppers these days. I recently decided to embrace one.
Several years ago, as a V day gift X presented me with a coffee cup singing my praises. When she was feeling particularly loving that cup would make an appearance. That barometer hit several lows the last year we were together. I thought to toss it recently, but decided to keep it as a reminder. Not of what has been lost. Rather that she loved me for a time and she was not so unique or special that someone else will not in the future.
Besides someday we might be cordial enough to sit and sip coffee in the same room. I have the perfect cup. (Insert evil laugh.)
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
The last few weeks have been much better. I believe I have made progress, personally, in my relationships, and professionally.
Following DIL’s wishes I have always texted before stopping by their apartment. I have spent several afternoons in the last few weeks visiting with her and playing with GD while my son was working late. This has given us an opportunity and I have taken advantage of the time. She is getting to know me and form her own opinions about who I am. I had an advantage here as we are both Marines and have a few life experiences in common.
She had a minor crisis about two weeks ago, and asked me if I could assist. In the larger scheme of life this was a very small bump in the road, but I was able to help and was willing to do so. She needed to board their dogs at the last minute and the dog’s vaccinations had expired. So my Mastiff and I had overnight guests for a couple of days, a Teacup Chihuahua and a Puggle. I also fed the cats at their apartment while they were away. I already had a key to feed the cats so I picked the dogs up after they left and dropped them off a few hours before they arrived home leaving the key on a hook.
And yes alarm bells were going off in my head warning me I was stepping into rescuer territory. The difference here is I have no expectations. I was able to help, so I did, and then I moved on.
Their (Son and DIL) birthdays were last weekend. They were born on the same day two years apart. This being the odd year it was DIL’s. I have not asked if this makes them age half as fast. SIL2 had planned a surprise party that fell through and I do not think they even know. SIL1 ended up babysitting overnight and we managed a little surprise for them when they stopped by to pick up GD. I held GD while last minute preparations occurred and while we visited before cutting the cake. A picture of me holding GD during the party was posted to FB by my son. That act held significance to me.
Yesterday I visited DIL and GD to drop off some mail and ended up staying for about 4 hours. DIL thanked me for visiting and conversing with her. This morning I was invited to breakfast with them and downtown for a parade. I went to breakfast, but I could not watch the parade with them.
Last week I signed the last document linking X and me, the house has been refinanced. The lowered payment should permit me to build the emergency fund back up, save a little more for retirement and begin to live a little.
And professionally? It a long boring story to most, suffice to say I am busier than a one armed wall paper hanger in a west Texas windstorm.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
A mastiff, a chihuahua and a puggle... lol... that's a motley crew!
Sounds like you are doing great, JS.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
And yes alarm bells were going off in my head warning me I was stepping into rescuer territory. The difference here is I have no expectations. I was able to help, so I did, and then I moved on.
This is a very important distinction. I sometimes struggle with whether I rescue people I care about, still.
The first part is the request: When the request comes, are we emotionally attached to the request and anxiously re-adjust our lives in order to accommodate the request?
The other part is the outcome: Before or after the request and support, do we have expectations?
The most difficult parts of these types of situations is our emotional bond with our loved ones not being part of our decision making process.
Some things just are and there is no point in belaboring them or attempting to assign blame. Sometimes the best we can do from these situations is learning from them, doing so is better than repeating. 
SIL2 had planned a surprise party that fell through and I do not think they even know. SIL1 ended up babysitting overnight and we managed a little surprise for them when they stopped by to pick up GD. I held GD while last minute preparations occurred and while we visited before cutting the cake. A picture of me holding GD during the party was posted to FB by my son. That act held significance to me.
