Help & Advice needed please Thread 2

[Breakdown]

Intact, first I wanted to say I'm sorry about your father. I can only imagine how difficult that is.

I've just read thru both your threads and one thing comes thru over and over again, from your very first post to your last. Do you know what that is?

Wife wife wife wife....over and over. Wife did this, what do I do? Wife is seeing OM, wife said x, etc etc.

What about you?

There are of course still things I want to change about myself, but I realise it will take commitment and time. I don't want to act out of emotion any longer.

So what are you working on.....for you?

You need to stop thinking in terms of "if I do this, W will come back" and start thinking more like "this is who I want to be."

My changes are for me and no one else. I feel better about myself than I have in years, probably ever. I don't think about changes being made to save my M any longer. With that guess what, I don't feel guilty anymore. I've forgiven myself and I know I did everything I could at the time with the tools I had.

Yes! I couldn't have said it any better.

I also totally agree with Mach1's point about God giving us the hardships we need, to make the changes we need to make. Maybe it just makes me feel better, but with that mindset, I can easily look at every difficult moment in my life and find the silver lining.

[Intact]

Thank you for the advice - I can promise you my heart is very much invested in saving our marriage if at all possible.

My changes haven't been to get my W back - although that was what bought me here originally thus while scenario made me take a hard look at myself. They are changes that I realised I had to make myself - whether my W returns or not could or would simply be a bi product of those changes.

[Intact]

JOURNAL

Another bad today. I think a lot of the trouble is because of this whole situation I really don't think I've mourned the death of my Dad and sometimes it all gets too much.

Today I am in a place where I don't know if I have the energy to continue with this attempt to reconcile with my W. If she is so certain that OM is "the one" is there really any point? Am I not just wasting time and energy?

I don't know... hate days like this.

Dropped my boy off at school this morning - I don't see him again until Sunday. It hurts him as much as it hurts me.

[Grizz]

Intact, you have been through alot in a very short amount of time. You do need time to grieve. Try to somehow find time for this.

As they say, your W is in a fog. Of course that is what she is going to say. She has to justify her actions to not only you but to herself. Who knows if that is actually true.

You are the only one that knows if you want to save your M. But in the whole scheme of things, you haven't been in your sitch for very long.

Try to keep your head above water. Be there for your S. And take care of yourself.

[Intact]

Intact, you have been through alot in a very short amount of time. You do need time to grieve. Try to somehow find time for this.

As they say, your W is in a fog. Of course that is what she is going to say. She has to justify her actions to not only you but to herself. Who knows if that is actually true.

You are the only one that knows if you want to save your M. But in the whole scheme of things, you haven't been in your sitch for very long.

Try to keep your head above water. Be there for your S. And take care of yourself.

Thank you Grizz, I really appreciate your kind words and advice.

The truth is, I really do want to save my marriage. Perhaps my W is in a fog - if she is and it eventually lifts I want to be a different person. Not just for her, but for myself and my Son.

[Spartan]

Perhaps my W is in a fog - if she is and it eventually lifts I want to be a different person. Not just for her, but for myself and my Son.

You and your son HAVE to be your main priority for being a better person, no buts allowed. I still get the feeling you're trying to change with the goal of saving your M. These changes have to be for you because you want the changes. There are lots of old threads where people changed to save M and ended up back here because they weren't real and things went back to old ways.

What have you been doing to keep busy?

What things are you working on (for you)?

[Intact]

Spartan - the changes are for me.

I have started meditating. I'm also looking at issues I have with my temper as well as trying to refrain myself from fixing things. I am ALS learning to be a much better listener - all these things are for me.

I am keeping very busy. My business is doing well, I am exercising daily, I have guitar lessons twice a week and I've joined a local book club.

I am making the changes for me and my future - of course I want my marriage to work but that would be a bi product, these are changes I would be working on regardless. I have seen my faults and I am trying my hardest to rectify them.

Thanks again for all if the advice and support.

[tryingtilDorR]

Intact -
I read through your thread going back to about early february before your father passed. You remind me of myself a few years ago. At that time, I knew my WAW was in another R. She was sleeping in another room in the house for about 18 months and during that time I was desperate to save our M. I was a wreck - hopefully you are holding up better but under the circumstances I have a feeling it is very hard for you.

I was hanging on her every word, trying to get inside her head and mind read. Finally she moved out and I immediately heard from someone who saw her around town with OM. Then I knew I wasn't going to wait any more. It was like God touched me on the shoulder and said "Its time to let go". So I did. It was all I had control over as far as the R at that time - to let it go and move on. I ended up filing for D about 3 weeks later (to her shock and suprise which I thoght was strange).

I see that she wanted to introduce OM to your son. That is very painful. That was one of the things I dreaded most in my situation but it turned out that my kids never liked her BF at all, and actually lost a lot of respect for their mother as a result (I had 2 teenagers at the time and 2 more 11 and 13). Just remeber that there are things you can't control and let the chips fall where they may.

My read on your situation is that you really need to let go. I realize she filed for D and put things on hold, which I am assuming is because of your father's passing? Or, do you think she is having second thoughts?

If its the latter, you should probably step in and drive the D process yourself so she doesn't leave you hanging. I felt much better once I was in control and driving the situation even though the thought of initiating D had been horrifying to me the prior 18 months before she moved out.

[tryingtilDorR]

Sorry that came off a little harsh - when I say you need to drive the D process if she isn't going to do it its because you need to take control. You can always decide to not go through with it if needed. At least you are then seen as actively driving the decision making process and in some kind of control rather than letting her drive, which may help your M in the end.

I know it made a difference in mine but at that time I had truly moved on. Its funny, but I read so many times that the WAW finally comes around once you TRULY let go, and that is at a point where you may have actually decided you don't want to stay with WAW. There is a clear truth in the situation - you have truly let go and then they want to come back when its too late (at least that is what happened to me). Maybe people who can act 'as if' don't need to get this far, and those are the ones who have hope of staying together.

[Intact]

Thank you trying - I really appreciate your comments. You are right I am having trouble detaching which leads me to constantly mind read.

Having said that the GAL is going well and I'm certainly doing a decent job of acting "as if".

The OM has damaged me without a doubt, especially when she stealing everyone how good and special he makes her feel etc. it had knocked my confidence badly.

The whole divorce saga was strange - and it happened before my dad passed away. In face when my dad died she was colder than ever towards me.

Basically, 3 weeks after she left she went to see a L and filed for divorce. I asked her under what grounds (there's only a few in the UK) she told me she was divorcing me for "unreasonable behaviour" I told her that I would not sign that and that I deserved more.

She turned up at the house the next day and told me she had stopped her L filing and I should file against her - she told me to file for unreasonable behaviour as its seen as the quickest route to D. I agreed to doing this and contacted my L.

The next night she turns up and says we shouldn't bother doing it, and just be legally seperated for 2 years - in the UK if you're legally seperated for 2 years you don't have to blame anyone. Her reason for this was "it just means no one has to be blamed".

It was all very odd, and I still don't really understand what it all meant.